How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Husband wife relationship

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Question
Hello Sir,

At the outset, I sincerely appreciate your noble work being carried out selflessly to try bettering lives of distressed ones. I am from Mumbai, India. I have been married for about 16 years with one son. My family consists of my wife (house managing) and 14 years old son. I have a mother who stays away from me as both my wife and she is not getting along with each other since the day of our marriage. However, she do visits our home once in a month for few hours to spend some time with my son and leave the same evening. She gets my (late) fatherís pension and manages within that. I donít have to support her financially though I have provided all home appliances for her needs. My mother is temperamentally very outspoken and short-tempered and unfortunately same is of my wife, which results in scuffles between them.

The problem is my wife unnecessarily drags me into any and all issues created between them and makes my life hell. I tried to explain her to ignore my motherís jibes and taunts for the simple reasons that (1) look at the broader picture i.e. how our (wife and me) relationship is (2) my mother is an old woman (65 years) and it is difficult to change her (3) my mother doesnít stay with us and only comes once a month (4) our relationship is suffering and son gets influenced which will boomerang onto us in our old age.
Another issue is due to regular such troubles in our husband-wife relationships, I fell into a brief relationship with one of my colleagues who is a married woman, and have had series of adulterous married life (which I came to know later from other colleagues who have been working along with her for last twenty years, some she divulged). However, my wife got a wind of this and even I agreed to it. After that, our family life was like a hell for two months of this relationship which resulted into we both approached a lawyer for getting divorce. Fortunately, the lawyers sent us away explaining that this will devastate our sonís life. He even tried to explain me that such relationships donít work in long run and very soon I will regret. He requested us to give some more time to decide and if nothing changes then we can file for divorce. However, I was adamant simply because lots of dirty linens were washed by each other in our society, her relatives etc and I was sure now things will never improve even if I end up this extra marital affair. However, two months were too short to get into any physical relationship as I had never been into such affairs and was thinking she is God sent for me. How wrong I was. My wife and me even went to the extent of committing suicides and my work life got hugely affected. Relationships with my colleagues, boss soured drastically and there was a huge setback to my career prospects.

Suddenly, like through some blessings, I realized my mistake and abruptly stopped all my connections (chats, phones, emails, facebook) and came out of this relationship. Itís been a year now and I heard she is already into next relationship. I have broken all ties with her, and donít even look at her.

Now my wife is doubting on me over some other colleague who happens to be on my Whatsapp and share fun adult jokes with me. We are pure friends and I tried explaining to my wife if I was doing anything wrong then why would I keep the chat messages on phone and not delete it. These are pure fun shares and there were no personal chats so I requested her not to draw any conclusions. I even deleted my whatsapp account now to convince her that I am not bothered. For the past one year, after the earlier relationship I make it a point to rush home after office. I handover my complete salary to her and take very minimal allowance for my daily expenses. I also help her in house choirs. I try to be an ideal husband. Only thing, we hardly go on vacations because of high expenses involved in these days.

Kindly advice me how do I deal with the above and make her happy, caring and trusting like she was before?

Thanks

Gajendra

Answer
Dear Gajendra,

Good for you in getting help with your situation. I don't have too much to offer because it seems like you are pretty much doing the right things to repair your mistakes. There are a few things, however, that you might do that would help.

For awhile you are going to have to account for where you are and who you are with and who you talk to online. Deleting your Whatsapp was wise. What you might do is to tell your wife you love her and want her to know that she can ask you any questions about where you are and who you are with, at any time. Then periodically ask her if she has any questions about what you are doing and where you have been.  The more open you are the better it is. Make sure you tell her about your day when you come home so that she will see that you are sharing your life with her as best you can.

Now, you need to protect your wife from your mothers bad remarks. You need to tell your mother that you love her and will always make sure she is okay and taken care of but that she cannot come into your home and make bad remarks about your wife. Tell her that you will not listen to any criticism about your wife and that you chose your wife and must be loyal to her. Tell her that if she starts to say something to you that is bad about your wife that you will hang up and if she every says anything to your son that is bad about his mother she will not be able to see him again. Tell her again that you love her but that her negative remarks must stop.  Then tell your wife that you are doing this. This will make your wife more trusting toward you.

Otherwise, it seems like you are helping your wife and doing all you can to correct things so just keep on doing what you are doing. It will just take time. You might also ask your wife is there is anything more you can do to show her that you are loyal to her.

I wish you the best and hope things work out for you.

Sharon

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Sharon Crandall

Experience

Over 30 years of working with individuals, families, and businesses. Teaching classes, private coaching--helping design individual life plans,, private personality assessment, group workshops, and training others to become Personality Consultants and Life Coaches.

Education/Credentials
Certified in two year program of Personality Science. Certified in secondary Personality Science program from a different institution. Trained in various workshops for Life Coaching, Self-educated from numerous books and programs, plus private training from Personality Science experts.

Past/Present Clients
Hundreds of people from all walks of life including private individuals, couples, families, and businesses--from homemakers to CEO's Worked with many groups in workshops and classes. Worked with businesses particularly in customer relations/service and sales.

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