How to Strengthen Your Relationship/getting over resentment
QUESTION: For a long while I suspected my fiancee of not giving me her all because of one of her past relationships, and the hurt she went thru. There has been a part of her that she wouldnt open up, with being more loving, affectionate, and nurturing. As time progressed within our dating, I noticed i was always the one initiating romance, affection, etc. in the beginning it wasnt a big deal because it was the courting phase. But as time passed it was something i noticed. she had told me before that she didnt think she would ever be able to love the way she did with her ex.
also from the beginning when we started dating, i was the first person that she went out of the box with in not dating her type. she likes dark muscular dudes, where as i am of a lighter complexioned black male, and while im not obese or sloppy, im not a body builder type. but i have never had issues with women because i am also an attractive individual, so all this is new to me. so coupled with her being hurt before, and me not being her "type"initially she had her concerns, but "love" and how i treated her helped her look past what she wanted to see what she needed.
well to make a long story short we finally had a heart to heart, and she confirmed everything i thought. she realizes shes not that loving as she could be, and she has a block up, she admitted she knows shes not affectionate, and wants to be able to love me as i love her, then she tells me we should work out together which could help out with our intimacy.
so now im feeling like crap because these past couple years i feel like ive been cheated out of the love i thought i deserved and only to find out that shes not really that attracted to me, unless i become the incredible hulk. she told me that she finds me attractive and good looking etc, so thats fine i guess. but now im stuck because i really dont know how to feel right now.
whats most prevalent is sadness, and im really trying not to be but man, talk about a shot to the confidence. my carnal side is telling me to forget her and leave this relationship, but my spiritual side says to work it out because she was truthful and genuinely wants to work on us.
but most of all i just want to stop feeling so down. I just really dont know what to do with all my feelings, and i really resent her now because im question everything.
thanks for listening
ANSWER: Dear Pona,
I have not been ignoring your question. I truly have not known what to say that would be helpful. I really think you deserve someone that loves you the way you are. I realize you have "invested" a great deal of time and effort in this relationship, but I'm going to be honest here. I think she's always going to have "one more" superficial need to address for the two of you to get closer. I know this isn't probably what you want to hear, which is why I've postponed my answer, hoping to offer something else, but I don't have anything else to offer. I think she's chosen to not move on in her shallow superficial definition of love and you have been trying to tread water and become deeper when she's basically just an emotional puddle by choice. A person capable of deep love doesn't hold one person's behavior against another.
I know this is a tough thing I'm saying, but resentment is difficult to get rid of, especially when the relationship continues to make more invasive demands and rules. I know you love her, but she has no right to punish you for what someone else has done. It happens a lot, and it's usually very nice people who are patient and willing to try; that get the brunt of this wrong treatment.
I'm going to be straight here. You need to just tell her, since she's decided to never be able to love a man the way she loved her ex, you need to move on.
I'll be here to help you and encourage you if you want to write back. I won't take so long next time, as this is the answer I believe is right.
I wish you well. You sound like a caring person who deserves to meet someone that is as caring.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hello, and I thank you so much for your feed back. This issue is something i have been trying to not focus on but i cant help it. I feel so inadequate right now. And when Im around her, im not sure how to act. but this burden is really heavy on me right now as i havent experienced this before, and i never thought id have these feelings during an engagement, so now im questioning things i didnt think i would ever have to question. its just really hard right now
There is no reason to stay with someone that makes you feel badly about yourself. There is just no reason at all. As I said before, you sound like a very caring individual and you just don't need to deal with this sort of "backhanded rejection."
I think it's time to take a break from her and stop being around her for awhile. It will give you a change of perspective and you can decide which way you feel better about yourself.