How to Strengthen Your Relationship/my boyfriends priority has changed
QUESTION: Hi Sharon
I have written to you earlier as well regarding my relationship issues n you have guided me really well. But unfortunately things could not get better.
The problem i am facing is that my boyfriend of 2 years now has changed a lot..initially when we started dating i was his top most priority n he used to call me all the time n used to sound very interested n excited to talk to me.. but now things have changed he is more buzy with his things
I mean he is not working currently still he calls me only twice a day.. i mean i know he is free all day but he spends his day watching videos or doing other stuff but he never bother to call me.
Also some time back my phone used to be on waiting in night as i used to talk to one of my friends fiance as they were facing some issues in their relation so i was jus trying to sought it out but he got angry on it..after few weeks i got to know that my boyfriend has started flirting with a girl in his institute.. n that hurt me a lot..i stopped talking to him but one day he came to me n started crying n promised that he will never do that again.. so i gave it a chance.
But now the problem is that as my boyfriend is not working he spends a lot of time with his friends. almost every alternate days he used to e with his friends..i don't like a couple of friends of his n i had told him this earlier.. but he lies to me that he is not with them n later i get to know that he lie.
Also a month back he was out with same guys n he lie"d to me that he is with some other guys ..when i got to know that he is lying to me i asked him to get away from his friends at that very moment n come to see me.. but he denied .. i said he will have to choose his friends or me .. so he said he choose his friends.. i felt verry hurt.. so i asked him not to contact me
Since then he has called me only twice in one month.. n all he asks is that whether i want to talk to him or not n when i say no he just disconnects the call.. i mean he is not even bothered to apologise or talk about it..
I dont understand why he has become like that..
Also what can i do to make me his priority again & how can i make him give more attention to me like he used to initially..
Hope u"ll help me with it..
ANSWER: Dear Ridha,
I am not sure what I told you before but the problem is that you cannot make another person do what you want in a relationship. Love has to come freely and without control. You cannot force another person to have only certain friends and put their whole lives around you.
This is why you need to be very busy with your own life and see other guys and not wait around for someone to want you.
Unhappiness comes from wanting what we cannot have. If a guy calls twice a day that is plenty. It is unrealistic to think that a guy will keep up paying more attention to you than that. At first, a relationship is more than that but after awhile it settles down into a more realistic way.
If he is young, then he will want to be going out with his friends until he is ready to get married and settle down. Couple should not keep to seeing only each other until they are engaged to be married. Dating is for the purpose of getting to know different people until you are ready to choose one person that will make a good husband or wife and until you become engaged. Then the engagement period is when to get to know each other better and decide if you want to marry or not. Until then you both should be out with different friends and doing things away from each other and seeing each other only part of the time.
When you first meet someone sometimes it seems so perfect and you spend more time with each other and it is exciting. No relationships keeps that way. One reason is that as you get to know each other you see faults in one another. Then, if there is enough good in each other you go into a different kind of relationship built on respect and then you gradually get to know if the other person is what you want in a spouse.
What kind of a guy do you want? One that works hard and doesn't like to go out with the guys a lot? Do you want someone kind? Do you want someone who likes the same things you like and has the same kind of goals and has the same religious beliefs? If that is what you want then that is what you should try to find.
If you are old enough to marry then you should choose someone who is working and ready to settle down into a committed relationship instead of trying to change him into being that kind of person. People do not change much. They have individual personalities and personal beliefs and have personal goals and things they want to do or not do. Dating is for you to find out what kind of person your boyfriend is so that you can choose whether you want him or not. Dating is not to change another person but to find out the kind of person he is.
So, if you want to see him and still give him his freedom until he is ready to be more committed to you then you are going to have to accept that he has friends and wants to do some things with his friends and will need his freedom. Also, calling you twice a day is plenty. If you need more than that then you do not have enough personal goals and things to do on your own.
You should be developing yourself and your talents and doing things with others. You should be doing volunteer work, or getting more education, or having hobbies that you like to do, so that you will not count on your boyfriend to be all your happiness. That is not realistic.
That is my assessment of this situation.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi Sharon
Thank you so much for this wonderful advice i"ll certainly work on it..but thing i wanted to understand is that i had written to you regarding this girl my boyfriend started flirting with in his institute..what i don"t understand is that why he did that .. he say that he love me a lot n i know that he is loyal but why he did that?
Also nowadays if we fight he is just not bothered to resolve the issue.. its always me who has to make the first move.. but he always claim that he love me n does"nt want to end this relationship n he also say that he miss me a lot..
M not able to understand this behavior of his
Please Help Me
His flirting with the other girl is part of his need to be free and look around right now. It may not mean he doesn't care for you, but as I stated before--he seems just not ready to settle down to a permanent and committed relationship and so it is best for both of you to see other people until you are really sure he is the kind of person you want forever. Again, love has to flow freely. You cannot force it. And you can't control and should not control who he talks to.