How to Strengthen Your Relationship/insecurity

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QUESTION: I am 42 and thought I finally found my soul mate.  Here is the issue.  I know men look at women and I am fine with that.  He is the FIRST man I have been with who cannot help but look obviously all the time.  I never was a jealous person  but his actions made me feel jealousy.  He openly would comment on women in front of me all the time.  I told him that I thought it was disrespectful and he stopped.  I don't' care about occasionally but it was ridiculous.  But whenever we are some where he does not seem to focus on me at all and watches women.  He says he is a people watcher but I have never  been with someone who does this and it has made me insecure.  Furthermore, I have heard him comment to his buddies about hot women and recently about how he loves to look at young hot girls!  I don't know what to do and I do trust him honestly but I know if I am not around there is flirting which at 45 years old,  I think he should be settled down by now and not get so excited over young girls.  I know that I CANNOT handle this anymore, even if I am right or wrong but it hurts so much because everything else is good.  I do not want to here that I am wrong and I need to trust.  I have heard that and I am 42 and I do not want a guy at this point in my life that is like this.  Did I just answer my own question???  I just think he is so great otherwise :-(  Thank you

ANSWER: Hello Tammy,

Not all men do it, but it really is not uncommon for a man to notice an attractive woman who is not his partner. Can that be an issue? Sure, but it isn't necessarily. I tell couples that a man can drive a Mercedes and love his car, but if a Porsche drives by, he may take a look and appreciate the car, although he would never abandon his Mercedes for it.

But, it does sound like there is more than normal appreciation taking place in your situation. It sounds as though his looks are more like stares and they are taking place at every car that passes by. He's talking to you about these women as well as telling his friends about them. You've told him that he's gone a bit too far for your comfort and he still does it. That reflects a level of disrespect which concerns me.

I'm curious how long the two of you have been a couple. What are both of your past relationship histories like? Have either of you been in long-term relationships? Has he ever cheated on a woman that you know of? Have you been hurt by a man who has had difficulty with infidelity?

From what you have told me thus far, you are implying that you are ready to settle down and you can't settle for a man who is doing this. If that's the case, and he's unwilling or unable to cease, I think you have indeed answered your own question... You don't want this is a soul mate and you don't want to waste any more time. So, if he isn't going to change, you need to move forward and find the right guy for you.

FYI: you will not find a "perfect" man. He doesn't exist. We all have faults. But if the positives outweigh the negatives, we often can live with the idiosyncrasies. But if there are things that are just unacceptable, you indeed to cut the line and move on.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: its been 2 years. No he has not ever cheated that I know of. I never ever saw my ex look at other women or never did he make me feel insecure. This guy does say whatever comes to mind and is honest and looks a lot but I honestly do trust him but still do not appreciate the situations he put himself in. And he tells me he likes to look but I have nothing to worry about but I can't get used to it. I was in two long term relationships and never did I see my man looking at anyone. I feel we're too different or something. I am considering breaking up with him though he is the love of my life I'm still so confused and upset often because I'm confused...I DONT KNOW WHAT TODO...I'm sick of him looking but his mom says I'm being a jealous because his father looks and he's never been unfaithful my father never look and I just don't know what to do

Answer
Hello again, Tammy,

It's not about what your father did or what his father did. It's about what you feel comfortable about in your relationship. If he is the love of your life, then you really need to create a pro/con list and see if the positives are strong enough for you to tolerate the negatives.

But, if you just know you will be unhappy with him like this and he won't/can't change, then breaking up would be advisable. If you break up, you will be unhappy for a time. If you stay like this, you will be unhappy as long as you are a couple.

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