How to Strengthen Your Relationship/I think I messed up

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Question
So me and my fiance got into it. Heres why. She has this habit of asking to see my phone, and looking through my text messages, I dont have anything to hide, and i dont know why she needs to do that some times, it's irritating but i deal with it. Shell seemingly go through each text just to see if i was talking about something with one of my friends that was inappropriate. She tells me she's nosey thats why she does it. Ok fine...I dont do that to her though. She doesnt really care for some of my friends, and has told me she doesnt trust me around them bachelor party time etc...

So since she's always auditing me, and my messages lol, i decided to one day check some of her facebook messages. She has this guy friend that likes her use to like her, and gives over the top flirtatious comments about how he thinks of her, and how shes so sexy etc, and she seemed to be humoring him. I mean the convo in my opinion were inappropriate, because if tables were turned, she would be pissed. I mentioned that to her, and she said thats how they play it didnt mean anything. I said hey i dont like it, dont do that again. ok fine...

months later, hes leaving comments on her pictures on a social network site, that are like hes never seen a beautiful woman before. She seems to like his comments, ok i get it. So i think to myself i wonder what their fbook convos are like. Now, i  should not have looked at her messages behind her back. I was 100% wrong for that. but what do i find, more inappropriate convo:

Here are some quotes lol: He says i always felt like we had unfinished business, and for some strange reason i feel like u do too. She says: yeah weve alway know that, but you being you.

He says they should hang out again before shes taken, she says that would be fun like old times. He asks her would her fiance let her have another husband, and can he come along for the honey moon, she says sure lol. Then at one point he says im having some very very very dirty thoughts about u to her, to which she didnt respond.

Now do i think she was taking him seriously, honestly no i dont. But guess what, if that was ME having those kinda convos with a female friend. all hell would break loose. she would prob break up with me, tell me i wasnt a man etc. I bring it up to her, she says thats how they joke and it was a playful conversation etc. So she gets mad at me for checking her stuff behind her back, and that i dont trust her etc, yelling at me basically turning things around. Im so confused. She says its different because she looks at my stuff in front of me LOL. She says she should have ended the convo with him. and she would have a convo with him to tell him to stop.

so apparently shes not speaking to me or were not speaking to each other right now...i dont get it

Answer
Dear Tony,

I do not think you have messed up at all. I think you have been wise to check her out. When someone doesn't trust you to the point that they have to check everything you say and do it could mean several things. One thing is that this person has problems that causes them to be very controlling. If you are alert, you will probably admit that she is controlling in other ways as well. That is not a good sign that she makes a good partner.

The second thing is that when people keep relationships that are seemingly innocent but very flirtatious it is because they need to feed their ego. It is a sign of immaturity, or at least a lack of self-confidence--a need to be reassured that they are attractive to someone.

What concerns me is that when she was caught doing what she accused you of doing she did not take responsibility for her actions but accused you of doing the very thing she was guilty of. Not trusting her? She is the queen of not trusting.

Life has a way of bringing us experiences to help us make choices. Dating is for the purpose of finding out who the other person is. It takes awhile to see the real person and the real person rarely changes. Her stopping the conversation with this guy is not going to change her basic personality of controlling behavior and also being needy to flirty with others in order to get her ego fed. She will probably repeat the behavior in some way.

One thing we all must learn to accept and that is that people do exactly what they want to do. People are not helpless animals that have to behave as programmed--we have choices. We choose our behavior. We do what we truly want to do. We may not like it, but we behave badly because we want to behave badly more than we want to behave positively.

So, the question is, what do you want for your life? If you ignore this and think everything will turn out okay you will be taking a big risk. Sometimes people change and gain more confidence in themselves so they do not have to be controlling and others never change. For sure, she will not change if you accept this behavior.

We all have boundaries that are God-given. They are not something we dream up. Even in marriage, each person needs to have some privacy unless we clearly are demonstrating behavior that would break trust. Your boundaries, since you have nothing to hide, should be that she stops snooping into your phone and emails, etc. If she can't handle that, then you might wish to rethink this relationship.

Now, it is important that you have some boundaries in your associations. If you have close friends who are cheaters or who have less standards than you have, you will be judged by the company you keep. A person who enters marriage should live so that they are not tempted to cheat. Our relationships should support trust and commitment to the marriage.

So, when I help people, I like to teach principles to help people in their decisions. I suggest, but always leave the choice up to the client. I believe that we all know what to do when we search our hearts and connect with our higher selves, or our spiritual contacts; and usually just need reminders of principles involved.

Your fiance is completely unreasonable in her demands and could mean big trouble later on. Follow your gut feelings. If you need further feedback contact me again. A good life has to be created. We don't fall into it; and that means sometimes making hard choices.

Sharon  

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

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Sharon Crandall

Experience

Over 30 years of working with individuals, families, and businesses. Teaching classes, private coaching--helping design individual life plans,, private personality assessment, group workshops, and training others to become Personality Consultants and Life Coaches.

Education/Credentials
Certified in two year program of Personality Science. Certified in secondary Personality Science program from a different institution. Trained in various workshops for Life Coaching, Self-educated from numerous books and programs, plus private training from Personality Science experts.

Past/Present Clients
Hundreds of people from all walks of life including private individuals, couples, families, and businesses--from homemakers to CEO's Worked with many groups in workshops and classes. Worked with businesses particularly in customer relations/service and sales.

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