How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Indecisive

Advertisement


Question
Hi Leon!

I’m 23 years old, girl that is feeling really indecisive on what to do or how to react, with this.
I have quite a difficult relationship with my boyfriend, see we have been together for 3 and a half years now, had some really rough patches in our relationship but we have managed to stay together because we love and support eachother.

Anyway, this problem began 1 and half ago, we used to have great normal sex, but the past year and a half we went from having great sex to nothing, like 0! This was because he fell into depression and many things happen to both of us, like I said before we managed to get across, with a lot of pain. I have tried to be understanding, supportive, patient with this problem all though it kills me, and it has hurt me so much, I love this guy and I have been very strong towards this issue.

So now, after a year and a half of 0 intimacy in our lives, and after talking about it various times,  he feels ready and he’s trying to be better for me and the relationship, so he planned to take me on this dream vacation in two weeks. Where we’ll have to be together intimate.

But the problem is that I feel very hurt, It hurt me a lot to left alone for so long, it made me feel ugly, unattractive, and just simply a “failed woman”, because no matter what I did to make him like me the past year he just didn’t touch me nor see me that way. He knows all this we have talked about it. I see the effort he is making by planning all this.

But I don’t know how I should react, I did everything to get him interested in me and received no answer for a year and a half, to be honest with you, I feel resentment! And now he feels ready and I have to make the effort and be okay, and simply go with it, although it hurts me??? Or should I let my feelings out and diss him because I feel hurt???

I know its about both of us making an effort, and believe me I have gone out of my way with him, but he just hit me where it hurts the most!

How should I react, what should I do?


Thank you so much!
Cindy

Answer
Hello Cindy,

I don't know the specifics of what transpired to make him fall into this depression, but right now you both are at the point where you are ready to be intimate again. You've been wanting this for awhile and he's been struggling with his own demons and is ready to move forward.

I know him not being sexually interested hurt your pride, but you have said that he was fighting depression. If that's the case, you also logically understand that there's not going to be sexual interest when he's in that dark place. I know that doesn't make you feel better, but logically you get it. HE wasn't rebuking you. He was rebuking the world, and now he's attempting to climb out of that hole...which is a good sign.

So, now he's ready, but you are holding resentment. How can you being ready sexually and enjoy this if you are holding onto those feelings? What you really need right now is to feel desired. So, me talking with you isn't going to help that. He needs to know that he has to show you that he's attracted to you and excited by you. He needs to help relieve your anxiety about how he sees you, by making you feel desirable again.

I don't know where he is in his readiness for sex again, but for this to work, he needs to be ready and you need to feel wanted. So, a lot of this falls on his shoulders. I don't think disrespecting him or holding out will make things any better. You don't want to punish him for his depression. You'll just fin yourselves back in the same situation any longer.

Maybe talk with him about what would make you feel sexually desirable and hopefully he can start moving in that direction. While he's making these attempts, you need to shake off what happened before and try to enjoy the moment.

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.