How to Strengthen Your Relationship/relationship and friendship
Good day Sharon this is a continuation of my story which you have said I'll have you a quick update on my move. Here is my story if you forgot (at the bottom of it is my follow up question):
I'd like to seek advice on what is the next move that I will do with my ex.
So, it has been 2 weeks since our break-up. And today 01/08/14 is our supposedly 11 monthsary. I provided her space for more than a week by not texting her, avoiding her that made me more depressed each day since I lost her. I had called her just this day to know how was she doing, that this day is still significant for me, we had talked over phone about her life then and how I was sorry to lose her. What will I do to make this friendship blossom once again and turn into a relationship. I love her so bad and I realize all my mistakes given this space that we had. I wanna take it slow but I want to seek for the best advice on what move will I do next? thank you so much.
I will be happy to answer your question but I need to know what caused the breakup and who called it off. I need to know what she says to you and what was said when you broke up.
Also, I want to help you understand about relationships a little bit. The purpose of dating is to get to know the person and to see if you are compatible. You cannot know a person in a few weeks, or even a few months. It takes time before the real person comes out.
Too often, one person is happy with the relationship but not the other. That is because people have different needs. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with one of the persons; it just means that one person is looking for something different. Most people in this world have their heart broken a few times before they find the one that fits them the best.
Also, when we first meet someone we create a fantasy in our minds based on what appears to be. That fantasy is not based on complete reality. We see a few qualities we like but then when the true personality comes out we sometimes realize that there really is not the compatibility that we thought we had. Usually, there are big differences that would cause serious problems down the road.
Too often, I see one person who seems desparate to have the other person based on this fantasy. But how can it be a great relationship if only one person wants it. A good relationship is where two people really like each other and really like most things about the other person. Both people are capable of loving, caring, and giving.
There are a lot of people in this world who are not capable of truly loving another person. All these things you have to ask yourself when you choose a mate--and it is a choice. While we have strong feelings, it is important to also really look at it aside from our feelings because our feelings can lead us into something that is really not good for us; and when those feelings are not as strong later on we are left with a very unhappy situation.
The only way to be happy is for you (everyone) to be able to be happy with yourself and be okay with or without a partner. Then when you get a partner is a healthy relationship. When one is way needy it creates a big burden on the other person and that person gets very tired and then the relationship goes sour. It takes two people giving to each other for it to work.
I do hope this helps you to stand back and look at your relationship more clearly so that you do not feel quite so hurting. So, look at what you really have, not what the potential was in order to see what to do.
Give me more information and I can help you more.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hello Sharon,
She broke up with me because she thought my words were so mean to her through text on her birthday, that was supposed so say that I want to greet her over the phone but then she had slept, me waiting for her for an hour. My emotions rose because I just wanted her time. Also, with some situation that she felt she is not part of my family. I was secretive with our relationship to my family wherever we go but my family knows that I have a girlfriend. Only that I don't want misunderstandings with my parents, but now I realize what I did wrong and I'm trying to correct it by making it open to my parents and stand for the one that I love. She broke up with me last Dec. 22, 2013 over the phone- it was informal because we agreed to talk it over personally when she gets back here. But then I thought, her cousins and other family members influenced her decision to break up with me. She personally broke up with me last Dec 30, 2013. She said we are quits, she love me but there is hate that had developed on her and she wants time to heal the pain inside. I want to give her a space and I want to save our relationship again, bearing my wrongs to make them right.
ANSWER: HELLO again,
The first thing is to accept is that you can't change another person. The only thing I can think that might work is to tell her that part of loving each other is forgiving each other when you make mistakes and if both people want it to work out there will be a lot of forgiving as you go along because no one is perfect.
Tell her that you are sorry for the things you said and that you would like to have a chance to make it up to her. Ask her what she thinks about giving it another try and then be very quiet and listen to what she has to say. Do not try to convince her or get upset. Just listen. Ask her what she thinks went wrong. Ask her if she thinks that two good people can make mistakes and still have a good relationship by listening to each other and doing their best to fill each other's needs.
Ask her if she has any ideas as to how it might work out for the two of you. In other words. Ask her opinion on the whole thing. Be very interested in what she says. Listen carefully and maybe that will give you enough information that you will know what else to say and will know if it a waste of time to try to put it together again or not. One of the highest compliments you can give another person is to truly listen with your heart and your mind. Letting a woman know you care by listening to her with love and understanding sometimes really softens her heart and helps her be open to your relationship.
Tell her that you really want her happiness and that if she can find it better with someone else then you will step aside and stay out of her life but that you really think that you might find happiness together. Then work something out so that she feels more a part of your family.
All you can do is ask in a loving way and see how she responds. Then let me know what happens to see if I have any more suggestions for you.
I do hope this helps.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hello again Ms. Sharon,
I really really appreciate your comment. I am very enlightened by those words. For now, my plan is to text her every other day if how was she doing, her school activities, her story. I'd like to listen to her whenever she has time through text. I don't want to put any pressures in her. If she replies then it would be great. If she is way too busy, I'll wait. By this, I am part of her day just not that often. I would also be busy making video on her on our supposed "1st anniversary". I would be like to show her that I did not forgot that important day of our life. Maybe, we are not together, but in this way I can address my true feelings for her that she is special for me. I'd like also to share it with you Ms. Sharon if you want. Would my plans be ok?
Thank you for your reply, much appreciated really! :)
Answer: Hello. Your plan seems OK, if you can do it knowing that she may already have emotionally left the relationship and moved on. It won't hurt anything as long as you are not pressuring her. As to contacting me, coaching is how I make my living and I can only do so much as a volunteer. I usually limit my contact to three times because I need to have time for paid clients. I am happy to help on a volunteer basis for part of my time and am happy that what i have said has helped you and I wish you the very best.
Feel free to let me know how you are doing at a later date--for a quick update.
Best to you,
This is my follow up Ms. Sharon:
I sent a text message a week after I called her saying "Hey Pang (an endearment), how are you? Hope you are fine". She did not replied. I texted her once again last 01/21/13 to wish her luck in her exams, still there was no reply. I was wondering.
For now, I am focused on making her a video on our supposed to be "1 year anniversary", in this video I'd like to tell her how important she was, and I would like to try to get her back once again if she wants too- this time matured enough. What can you say?
Thank in advance! :)
Hello. Since she did not reply then I am sorry to say that there probably is not much hope of getting her back, even if you have been handling things in the best way by being there and contacting her briefly but not crowding her. You can try the video. That should touch her heart if anything will but, truthfully, it sounds like she has emotionally left the relationship and moved on--and that is very tough to overcome.
Just know that you will live through this and yes, you will find someone else. Almost everyone in this world has had their heart broken at least once, if not more, and have gone on to find a relationship where both people love each other and are compatible.
The main thing is that we learn from our relationships so that we are smarter in subsequent dating, etc.
I wish you the best of happiness. You will find it eventually.