How to Strengthen Your Relationship/no contact is it over


QUESTION: hey Sharon i have mailed U before but i couldn't find a link to ask the follow up question its been over a week since my bf last contacted me.i don't know where  he is what he is doing.Is he back home that he had a fight and left.i cant stop thinking about the fact that he hasn't contacted me U asked me not to contact him and let him do the contact but i am not sure if he ever will or is it over should i just forget him n move i miss him i want to hear for him .when i wanted to break up he didn't break up with me he said he wont give up and that's like 2-3 times i couldn't understand his distant rude behaviour than.  but than why hasn't he contacted me.Should i contact him  or just be patient.Should i think its over but as U know its hard 2 move wen U love someone so much and actually hate them at the same time.i am also afraid what if i call and he doesn't receive i will be just more hurt.I know if one has so many questions in there mind its not worth it but the guy he use to be i cant take that image out of my head and its because of that guy for some reason i cant give up.Please clear this out for me thanks

ANSWER: Hi again,

We all build fantasies around someone we care for when we first go with them but it is just a fantasy. The guy he "used to be" is not the real person. The real person comes out after problems arise and things happen in his life. It is easy to keep up a good front for awhile when you first go with someone. It takes awhile for the real person to emerge. So, when you think of how he used to be, immediately tell your brain that he wasn't the real person and now the real person has emerged.  If he said he would not give up then he would find a way to contact you no matter what the excuse. What people say and who they are two different things. Who they are show by their actions.  Give yourself credit for being smart enough to see that when he put his best self forward it was nice, but that wasn't the real guy and now how thankful you are that you now can see the real person.

There is something in us that wants to talk to the other person because we have a last little bit of hope that maybe there is some great reason why he is behaving like he is. Remember, people do exactly what they want to do. Excuses are just excuses. One person can give a whole line of excuses while another person, when they want to do something, make it happen no matter the circumstances.  

There is always some hurt but the hurt is the pain of giving up the fantasy. You never really had him, the real him. So when he comes into your head look at him how he is now, not how you thought he was and be glad you know now and not after years of investment into the relationship. So, I think you really should move on and let it go. We do have control over our hurt by learning how to look at things differently. First of all, it is not rejection of who you are because the right guy will see who you are and want that. This is his problem, not anything wrong with you so move forward with hope that there is someone out there who will appreciate who you are for who you are. It is not giving up, it is being smart with what you want out of life.

God bless.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: hey sharon i do understand tht this is the real him but i dont understand y he didnt contacted me even if he wanted to leave he could hav just called and said so i am not able to have a closure its always going to be a mystery as to what happ and why it happ. how to have a closure. also thanks for ur answer it has helped me alot i appreciate from the bottom of my heart.

Hello again,

Men often want to avoid any confrontation with women. Think of his not contacting you as closure. Remember, it is not what people say, it is what they do that tells the story. If he did talk to you he might make up something and it might not be the truth, anyway. You would have no way of knowing for sure. He might try to make you think he still cares just to save face and it could open up a whole can of worms with you still wondering and doubting and feeling confused again.  

If he does contact you again take what he says as probably not the truth. Be polite but it really would be best not to go into it very much. Let him know you have moved on. You don't need this in your life. He will probably give you all sorts of excuses to play on your emotions but the truth is that he is either so messed up that he is not capable of a healthy relationship or really doesn't care, or went back to an old girlfriend, or doesn't know what he wants in life. Whatever the case he is not good for you.  

Don't take it personally, and count it as a blessing. Just set it aside, get real busy doing positive and fun things in your life and you will probably know some day what happened.  

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

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Sharon Crandall


Over 30 years of working with individuals, families, and businesses. Teaching classes, private coaching--helping design individual life plans,, private personality assessment, group workshops, and training others to become Personality Consultants and Life Coaches.

Certified in two year program of Personality Science. Certified in secondary Personality Science program from a different institution. Trained in various workshops for Life Coaching, Self-educated from numerous books and programs, plus private training from Personality Science experts.

Past/Present Clients
Hundreds of people from all walks of life including private individuals, couples, families, and businesses--from homemakers to CEO's Worked with many groups in workshops and classes. Worked with businesses particularly in customer relations/service and sales.

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