How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Relationships after divorcd

Advertisement


Question
I am a mature divorced woman dating a mature divorced man.  We have been seeing one another for 3 years and both have grown children that do not live at home.  We are at a point in the relationship where I want to know how serious this is.  He has asked me to live with him and when the subject of marriage came up he said he believes we want the same thing he just doesn't see the need to go through the motions and the paperwork. I in turn expressed the importance to me the commitment of a ring whether it's a commitment ring or long engagement. He said he understood and we left it at that.  Today I asked him who his personal contact was in the eventhewas hurt on the job.  He advised his daughter.  I was very upset from that.  My feeling is that you would think your partner would be.  He asked me who mine was and I advised him. His remark was well I don't plan on anything happening what's the big deal?  I should tell you that from his previous marriage he and his daughter spent many hours together with traveling for sports she was in and listening to stories it appears she became his 'person' (not in an inappropriate way).  I am hurt by his response and I think I'm actually jealous.  I ask myself is this all me or does he contribute to this? I am asking myself why I am I this relationship? Can you help me see some perspective?

Answer
Hello Kelly,

Am I understanding you correctly that this guy had a sexual relationship with his daughter?  I may be old fashioned but that would be too much for me to think about and think of staying with someone like that.

If I am reading this wrong and he is normal and good man, then I would advise the following.

I don't see a problem with him having her be the contact person. Personally, I would just as soon the daughter make those serious decisions concerning his health, and especially since you are not married. I do not think he will marry you, either, as long as you push him in any way and keep trying to pin him down. I would also name a trusted child, rather than someone I was not married to, as the person to contact.

The best way to get someone is to pull away. It is human nature for people to want what they can't have; and if you want him to pursue you for marriage, you must act like you don't want to marry him and really it would be best for you to suggest that you both start dating other people. Hoping, pleading, pressuring, etc. is a sure way to push him away. He is very comfortable with the way things are right now, and until you set up some kind of crisis he will probably never marry you. If he starts to turn around, also, and this is important--do not be eager to fall for it or he will go right back to being comfortable. He might make a show of it and get you a ring, but unless you get a ring and set a date and actually marry him you will not get married. He will go right back to his comfortable self.

Forgive me, but I am still in shock over what you said about him and his daughter. I can't imagine staying with someone like that if I am reading your right. Even if it wasn't sexual but still inappropriate, I would hesitate to stay with him.

I do hope you really take stock of this relationship and ask yourself what you can really live with.  Don't make the mistake of being needy. Always maintain some independence in your life and self-confidence. You are worth it. Don't settle for less.

I welcome any feedback or further questions.
Sharon  

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Sharon Crandall

Experience

Over 30 years of working with individuals, families, and businesses. Teaching classes, private coaching--helping design individual life plans,, private personality assessment, group workshops, and training others to become Personality Consultants and Life Coaches.

Education/Credentials
Certified in two year program of Personality Science. Certified in secondary Personality Science program from a different institution. Trained in various workshops for Life Coaching, Self-educated from numerous books and programs, plus private training from Personality Science experts.

Past/Present Clients
Hundreds of people from all walks of life including private individuals, couples, families, and businesses--from homemakers to CEO's Worked with many groups in workshops and classes. Worked with businesses particularly in customer relations/service and sales.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.