How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Is This A Relationship??
QUESTION: Hi Sharon,
I am 43 year old woman. I met a man over a year ago and we started dating at that time. Things seemed to be moving very quickly as he had even introduced me to his family and mother as he girlfriend. After 2 1/2 months, he disappeared....But then resurfaced a few months later.
I asked him why he disappeared and he said he didn't want to tell me. I continued to press for the answer and he finally told me that it seemed like I was beginning to become a little perturbed with him...and that he thought I was going to dump him. (Yeah right) haha!
Since that time, I've continued to date others and would date him also from time to time. (He also knew I was dating others) He told me that he was in no position to be in a relationship with anyone right now because he feels it wouldn't be fair to the woman since he has so much debt and he's not where he would like to be financially in life.
Even though he has told me this (and I believed him), he still asked me if I would like to get a place with him and live together! I turned him down.
The problem I have with him is his inconsistency...and the fact that he disappeared the first time doesn't help either.
He still keeps in touch from time to time. Now he's asking for dates from me again.
Is there a way to turn this around? Should I even bother with this man?
This is Tom, not Sharon.
relationships are based on trust. Do you really trust him? Did he ever explain the absence?
I would say that he has more issues than just debt. And until you know him much better, until you feel you can really trust him, keep your distance. That does not mean you can't go out with him, doesn't mean you cant have sex with him, if that's what you want. But in a fun non relationship way.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you Tom. You've echoed my thoughts.
In your opinion, would having sex in a non relational way complicate things?
How does one keep things in perspective?
Probably. Men seem to be able to separate sex from relationships a bit better than women. Some men however become infatuated with even the thought of a sexual relationship. I don't think it would be a good idea. If you think he is stable enough for that and if the mood strikes you then sure, why not. I would stay away form a regular thing. See him irregularly so that it does not feel like a relationship. Make it clear that you are dating other men.
Have a great day,