How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Jealousy issues

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Question
Dear Sharon,

I am engaged to be married to a beautiful woman I met a year-and-a-half ago.

We love each other very much. When we are in bed together, snuggling, is - understandably, perhaps - when we feel the closest and most intimate. That leads, most of the time, to our making love.

Some background... She is in her early 40s, I am 25 years older than her, and she has no real issue with the age difference. As she always says, she loves kids and seniors!

She has a 5 year old daughter by her previous marriage whom I love as well.

She had a difficult childhood - fled a third-world country with her family when she was young, lived in a a foster home, and experienced her father betraying her mother multiple times with other women, and eventually divorcing.

I've been married twice and had a history as being something of a womanizer, which she knows about. However, I have assured her over and over again that those days are long gone, and that all I want to do now is settle down into a loving relationship with her. It is my heartfelt wish that she be the last lover I ever have.

However, I am a somewhat public figure, and I meet a lot of women in my work, and no matter how much I protest that I am not interested in any of them, she doesn't "believe" me.

She harbors a deep feeling of mistrust toward me and my actions, saying things like "you were looking at her with those bedroom eyes" or "your sexual energy was dripping all over her!"

I am a conscious man and simply do not accept that I am so unconscious that I am still acting like a "womanizer." So, I sit quietly while she makes her jealous accusations until there's a shift, and she softens toward me. I reach out to her, we kiss, we make up.

This a almost a daily occurrence, and while my love for her - and my patience - is limitless, is there anything you can suggest to help shift this pattern?

Thanks,

Jack

Answer
Dear Jack,

You do have some challenges in this relationship. When you are older and she is still young you might be the one worrying about her finding someone else. The problem is that there is a generation gap, which could cause problems because when you are with someone in a close situation such as marriage, the differences in mind set usually show up. Right now it seems great that you have this younger woman but you actually might end up feeling lonely when you find that on a continual basis she does not have the mental maturity that you need to feel compatible. Therefore, there could very well be the temptation to indeed be unfaithful to her. These are the things you need to face in pursuing this relationship.

Now, as to her jealousy. All a person can do is to use the power of pursuasion to get another person to stop their negative behavior. You can, of course, make it uncomfortable for her to continue her jealousy.

You have continually reassured her but that hasn't worked, so about all there is left to do is to try to talk to her one more time before you use a bit more drastic measures. Tell her that there is no guarantees in life and that when a person doesn't trust their partner it is really that they do not trust themselves to be able to handle their life and move on should their partner be unfaithful. Tell her that you have done your best to reassure her that you are and will be faiithful and that there is nothing more you can do and that you need to have her trust you as this constant jealousy is not working well for either of you.

Tell her she is free to check on you on occasion but you cannot accept constant mistrust and that it is putting a wedge between you as a couple.

Then if she continues the behavior, the only thing left is to nicely and kindly tell her you no longer will listen to her jealous mistrust and that you will walk away (out of the room) until she is ready to let the situation go with no more conversation about it, and then be positive and have a pleasant conversation with you about something else. Otherwise, you will have to put up with continual negative behavior.

You see, we are not and cannot be responsible for another person's happiness. Happiness comes from within and while we can add to another's happiness we cannot fix their unhappiness. We can do things to love and please the other person but not give them the confidence they need to be happy. Every person has to find that for himself.

I do hope this helps. Sorry I was a little slow in answering.
Sharon

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Sharon Crandall

Experience

Over 30 years of working with individuals, families, and businesses. Teaching classes, private coaching--helping design individual life plans,, private personality assessment, group workshops, and training others to become Personality Consultants and Life Coaches.

Education/Credentials
Certified in two year program of Personality Science. Certified in secondary Personality Science program from a different institution. Trained in various workshops for Life Coaching, Self-educated from numerous books and programs, plus private training from Personality Science experts.

Past/Present Clients
Hundreds of people from all walks of life including private individuals, couples, families, and businesses--from homemakers to CEO's Worked with many groups in workshops and classes. Worked with businesses particularly in customer relations/service and sales.

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