How to Strengthen Your Relationship/is there any hope


Hello, Sharon

I've met my girlfriend 3 months ago and everything seem to go very well we had a few misunderstandings I mention to her that if this continues that it was a way to disrespect each other and eventually it would become a habit.
Sure enough i said things to her or have made comments for instance the other day she got in my car and we were going to go to the lake as soon as she got in she started texting her aunt and was quiet towards me.
I asked her if she was going to spend time with me or spend time with her phone, she replied saying that i was being rude and that i could have said it in a nice way...she went on saying that she wasn't going to put up with my attitude that she had done nothing wrong. She also told me that i'm finally showing her my true colors and that i need an attitude adjustment.
Lately she's been getting mad at me for any thing.

I feel like things get heated up very quickly and just about anything she wants to see me everyday and i had agreed to that and now i don't know if that's a good idea or if i'm getting on her nerves or vise versa. I had suggested we see each other less and she said to me that it will only push her away.

What should i do is there any hope or she's taking me for granted sometimes i feel like she thinks she can do whatever with me and if i open my mouth or defend myself she always has a good excuse and tells me she has done nothing wrong that i am the problem.

Last night she told me if i have ever been evaluated for mental issues i don't even defend myself because she would even have a good excuse for saying that.

Is there hope or how can i approach her or this is just going to end either way.

Please help me I feel helpless and frustrated.

Thank you for your time.

Hello Jonathan,

It is hard to say whether this relationship is worth keeping or not. Sometimes when a person changes the way they react to things and learns how to acknowledge and speak their boundaries the other person starts respecting more and is okay in the relationship. Sometimes nothing can help if one person is completely self-centered and is never wrong.

For sure, she does not respect you under current conditions.  Too often couples do not know how to communicate and it is just a matter of communicating more effectively and then from your communication setting some rules for the relationship.  For example, instead of complaining about her rudeness of immediately getting on the cell phone when you first got together, you might sit down and say to her that if a relationship is going to be a true partnership there should be some agreements. Then you could ask her how she would feel about making an agreement with you that when you first see each other, you give each other undivided attention for a period of time. Then, if anyone needs to briefly call or text another person only and I say only, to take care of an important matter--not just to visit, then you ask your partner if it is okay to use the cell phone for a few minutes to take care of a particular matter.

Now, as to defending yourself. Whenever you feel defensive you are immediately put in a weak position.  When you do not like something in a relationship going on the defensive simply does not work, because then you are opening up for an argument.  The thing to do is to state that such and such bothers you when it happens and could WE make some changes so that things are more pleasant with each other. Tell her that you do not like getting upset and that you are two adults and are both intelligent and so why not discuss with each other how to do things that pleases each other. Then invite her for each of you to express 3 things you would like changed in the relationship and then both of you come up with an agreement on each matter.  If she is fair minded then she should be open to trying to please you, as well as wanting you to please her.

A good relationship means that you can discuss problems and come to some solutions by setting agreements.  If someone is demanding something realistic and not something that would go against you you really are and anything that would compromise your principles then you should be able to work things out.

Never accuse. Always ask questions to find out how the other person feels.  Then listen carefully and ask enough questions without answering or commenting until you are satisfied you have her true feelings.  Then always approach it as to what you can do as a couple to solve problems.  Sometimes it is okay just to ask the other person to do or not do something. Ask in a kind way from the point of view that it makes you feel such and such when it happens.  When you do____________I feel________________.  Accusing the other person does not work.  No blaming or judgments statements. Just stating what you like and don't like and offering to solve the challenges as a couple.

A good rule is to stop reacting and start asking questions.  Is that how you really feel? Is that what you really want? Are you happy with me in any way? What do you like about us? Etc.

Now.  as to seeing each other day that is a bad idea. A couple needs time to miss each other and also think about things while apart. It gives you time to get your head clear.  Ask her how she would feel if you saw each other three times a week instead of every day.  Be sure and tell her that it is not because you do not want to be with her but because it seems healthier for each of you to also have a life independent of each other where you can do your hobbies, read, think things over, do things with family or friends.  If she gets upset try not to react but to ask her questions--anything that comes to mind.  Ask her if she thinks it is healthy to be together so much and would she enjoy also doing some things on her own such as taking a class, or otherwise doing things that she enjoys doing alone.  Find out.  

Dating is to find out if you are compatable.  Are you really a match or not? Does the other person have good character. Is she kind? Does she really care or does she think the whole world revolves around her?  Once you start communicating about these things I think you will soon find out if she is willing to work as partners. If she persists that all problems are your fault then you know you have the wrong girl for sure.  If you can't work together as partners then find someone with whom you can communicate better.

I wish the best for you and hope this works and helps you.


How to Strengthen Your Relationship

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Sharon Crandall


Over 30 years of working with individuals, families, and businesses. Teaching classes, private coaching--helping design individual life plans,, private personality assessment, group workshops, and training others to become Personality Consultants and Life Coaches.

Certified in two year program of Personality Science. Certified in secondary Personality Science program from a different institution. Trained in various workshops for Life Coaching, Self-educated from numerous books and programs, plus private training from Personality Science experts.

Past/Present Clients
Hundreds of people from all walks of life including private individuals, couples, families, and businesses--from homemakers to CEO's Worked with many groups in workshops and classes. Worked with businesses particularly in customer relations/service and sales.

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