How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Uncertainty? Fears?

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Question
Dear Sharon,

I am 18 years old. Yes still young. I don't think I'm love, no. I have an issue with my emotions. I am very much confused and uncertain if I did the right things or not.

I'm currently dating a guy. Same age, same group of friends, same university. An introvert with a tiny dark past. We didn't talk much in the group at the beginning when we first met. We were very awkward with each other. But of course online chatting is always easier. One day, he asked me why it was awkward between us through chatting online and then turns out we were both attracted to each other. Infatuation. So then we tried slowly talking in real life. Getting less awkward. He said he liked me. I told him it was a 50/50 for me since we just opened up.  A week later, we went on a date. And we held hands, hugged and kissed.....before kissing, I felt it was so right to be holding hands and being in each other's arms. So I felt the need to say I liked him and I did (Didn't go second base) but then when we kissed. It was my first kiss by the way, it felt weird and wrong. But afterwards I started liking it.

Second day we went out again.

Thing is, I know he likes me more I than I do. And I told him that. I told him I have a fear of being committed in a relationship and I have this barrier from liking him more deeply. He was understanding and told me he'll wait even though it will hurt him and he will break down that barrier.  

I feel uncertain that what I'm doing is right. He's a very nice guy. Told him also I feel like we're moving too fast.  But I can't help but wanting to kiss and hug him and hold his hand. Yet I never had that butterflies with him. I can smell his scent when he's not hear yet I never felt deeply in LIKE with him. I feel very comfortable with him but sometimes I feel like he's being too honest with the way he feels about me. I am his first girl to date. And he is mine too. I want to get to know him more so maybe I could like him more.

. I once liked a guy before, and him to me too. But there were circumstances that stopped us from a relationship. So just went continuing being friends with feelings. One day, my feelings just disappeared. I'm afraid of that happening again.

I just want to know what exactly am I doing. And how do I just....fall for him more deeply.


Regards,
Hana

Answer
Hello Hana,

There is no formula for falling love. True love is a combination of feelings and using your head to choose a partner that is good for you.  Someone who is capable of a mutually loving and giving relationship.  The ideal thing is to get to know a number of men without having sex so that you can have an idea of what you really like about men and what you do not like. This gives you the power to choose better when you want to choose that life long companion and partner.

It is best to wait for sex until you are ready for a lifetime commitment because too much physical contact and having sex too soon makes you feel like you are being loving and intimate.  Today, people have sex before they can even communicate with each other. All relationships that are lasting and good start out with getting to know each other. A good relationship is based on companionship and respect. You can't respect someone that you do not know.  

Dating is for the purpose of getting to know the other person.  It is to see how he treats you, how he treats others such as waiter/waitresses, friends, family member, and the public in general.  It is important to have experiences with the other person in many different places and with different people. It is important to discuss dreams and desires of what you each want out of life to see if you are compatable. You need to know if you can respect and admire the other person and really talk about things and this takes time.

Then as you get to know each other it can become more physical. So, now as to your issues. You cannot force yourself to fall in love and it is too soon to see if you can love your guy. I suggest you do not get too physical as that can fool you into thinking you are close. Go to various places on your dates so that you can see if you get along well and learn how to communicate and see if you like doing things together.  Love is different for people. Some seem to know right off when they find the one that would make a good lifetime partner and others do not know until they date for awhile whether they really can love and admire the other person. Sometimes it takes awhile and then they realize that they are not a good match, and sometimes love gradually grows as they date others.  

The main thing is that you cannot make it happen; but think of dating as being like exploring a new part of your country. You go see things, get to know people, and experience that area to see if you are going to want to stay there or not.  Dating is a quest for knowledge.  Knowledge is power and gives you the information you need to make a good judgment and create the life you want to live.  

If things don't work out you are not a failure, you have just found out a little bit more of what you do not want in your life. If feelings just disappear that is okay. It just means that you have more knowledge to work with.  So, try to have fun dating. Don't be so serious about it and just enjoy your young life while you learn what you DO want and what you DON'T want.

I wish you the best,
Sharon  

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Sharon Crandall

Experience

Over 30 years of working with individuals, families, and businesses. Teaching classes, private coaching--helping design individual life plans,, private personality assessment, group workshops, and training others to become Personality Consultants and Life Coaches.

Education/Credentials
Certified in two year program of Personality Science. Certified in secondary Personality Science program from a different institution. Trained in various workshops for Life Coaching, Self-educated from numerous books and programs, plus private training from Personality Science experts.

Past/Present Clients
Hundreds of people from all walks of life including private individuals, couples, families, and businesses--from homemakers to CEO's Worked with many groups in workshops and classes. Worked with businesses particularly in customer relations/service and sales.

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