How to Strengthen Your Relationship/long distance

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QUESTION: hey sharon  i just strated to get to knw this guy we sort of connect but the thing is we live in two different countries with 2 different time zones so its getting hard to communicate.I do like this guy but i dont want to rush things.Iam sort of confused as to how much i initiate and try to talk.I hav realised from my past relationships that i become needy n things go bad.i dont want to repeat my mistakes.I want us to get serious bt i dont want to rush things without losing his interest.Can you please help me with this.will my msging first makes things worse or better.Thanks

ANSWER: Dear Carrie,

Long distance relationships don't usually work out. There is no way to get to know another person unless you are with them. People tend to say what they want the other person to believe. They make themselves look good. The only way to get to know a person is to be with them. You have to see how they treat other people in public. You have to see how they interact with their family.  You have to see their behavior, and not just what the other person says.

80% of communication is to be with the other person and feel the spirit that comes through. You have to see his eyes to say what he is really saying.  Unless you have seen him you really don't know who you are talking to. Many people send pictures of other people and pretend they are that person when they are not so be careful how you proceed.

Make sure that he does not ask you for money. If he does that, then you are being scammed.

Okay, I just wanted to make sure that you understand the dangers and problems of a relationship where you are not together. I recommend that you find someone who you can meet and be together under all sorts of circumstances so that you will really know what kind of guy he is.

Okay. Now back to your questions. It is always best to let the guy take the lead in the contacts. It is best to let him wait a bit when he contacts you so that you won't seem needy or too eager. The main thing is that you write to each other and when he contacts you be cheerful and interesting. Do not tell him everything. Ask him questions so that you can get a feel for who he is. Let him express any affection to you first, if he does.  Don't worry about getting serious. Let things develop naturally.  Concentrate on being friends and getting to know him as best you can long distance. Once you really get to know him better, as best you can long distance, you may not really want to be more than friends. Remember, it is his job to impress you not your job to impress him.  Just be your cheerful self and enjoy the friendship for what it is. That way there will be no pressure on him. when a guy feels pressured they usually run the other way.  

If you cannot be together then it is best not to pursue the relationship.  If you are both from very different backgrounds then there is always problems with families, religion, etc.  So really think this through before you continue to pursue the relationship, OK?

The answer is that when you message first it does make things worse. Men need to feel like they are the hunters. That is their nature and they feel better about themselves and you if they can do the pursuing.

Remember. Love cannot be forced in any way. It must develop naturally, in order to be lasting.  OK?

I do wish you the best and hope that you will find the right one for you.  Go slowly, If he is the right one it will become literally obvious, not just a dream on your part.

Sharon



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: hey sharon i didn't msg him for few days and he didn't either i am sort of confused now the last we spoke he said there is a connection and now he doesn't contact at all.I msged him just twice on diff days n he did reply i started by hey how how are u and he just replied good morning i replied good morning and after that he left for his work n didn't msg i am not sure if he is busy or he don't want to talk.I keep going through things that i cud have done but i cant really com up with anything.I sort of feel rejected and bad i posses a lot of qualities and i know any guy would be lucky to have me but i feel my confidence is shattering and am losing hope in finding the right partner its like i cant read people anymore what they want n how i should behave.I am busy with my studies and everything but for some reason when ever i get time i just think.I don't know how to move ahead with this guy either.Even if he decides to msg later or not why should i make it easier for him to be this way.I don't want to be taken for granted is it okie to be rude and ignore the msgs does that help.People say these days relationships only work wen u play games and strategies  everything but i am not one of that person.Is everybody out there like this cause i have experienced this a couple of times.Do i need to change myself for the relationship to work.I thought people like it when you are nice am i doing something wrong.

Answer
Dear Carrie,

The way it works with men is that are attracted to you. Remember what I said when I said that people do exactly what they want to do.  He doesn't want to talk to you and is not attracted to you that much or he would be contacting you a lot and you wouldn't have to worry about whether he liked you or not.

When you have free time read good books that help you build self-confidence. You can find books like that on the internet. This will help build your confidence. The best way to attract a guy is not to need a guy. It is to be happy with yourself--that is very attractive to guys.

Sit down and write down all the good things about you so that you can value yourself. You cannot control what another person does. You cannot move ahead with this guy at all. He is not contacting you and does not care enough to do so. You need to accept that and certainly do not feel rejected as though there was something wrong with you.

If you start telling a guy how much you like him and love him right away in the relationship then that is not the thing to do.  It is not a matter of playing games it is a matter of handling yourself differently so that a man will feel the need to chase you. It is a matter of having enough self-respect that you will not settle for a guy who does not chase you. It is a matter of waiting to tell a guy you love or like him until he has shown definitely that he cares a lot about you and says so. You wait until he introduces you to his friends and is proud to be with you.

It is not a matter of being nice it is a matter of being too eager. What you call nice is probably saying things that makes the guy think you really need him and can't be without him. It is doing too much for a guy and then he feels like he is smothered. Men need their freedom and it takes awhile in a relationship for them to get attached enough to you to want to spend their life with you. So, it is not a game it is teaching men that you are not easy to get because you respect yourself and will not be used.

Remember, too, that a guy will say nice things to you in order to get sex, You can't rely just on what he says. You wait and see if he is proud of you in front of others. You wait until you know he really cares for you and not just after your body. So, it is not a game to make a guy wait to kiss you. It is not a game to make a guy wait until marriage to have sex, either. It really makes a good guy value you more.

So, get out and meet people. Go to classes where guys are. Smile at a guy and then turn around and leave the situation. Be friendly, and after you know a guy a little you can flirt with him a bit and then go on about your business and see if he tries to contact you. Notice different guys whether single or married to see what kind of similar guy you might want--(unmarried of course). As gradually increase your confinece it sill whos in your attraction to men.

I do wish you the best.
Sharon

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

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Sharon Crandall

Experience

Over 30 years of working with individuals, families, and businesses. Teaching classes, private coaching--helping design individual life plans,, private personality assessment, group workshops, and training others to become Personality Consultants and Life Coaches.

Education/Credentials
Certified in two year program of Personality Science. Certified in secondary Personality Science program from a different institution. Trained in various workshops for Life Coaching, Self-educated from numerous books and programs, plus private training from Personality Science experts.

Past/Present Clients
Hundreds of people from all walks of life including private individuals, couples, families, and businesses--from homemakers to CEO's Worked with many groups in workshops and classes. Worked with businesses particularly in customer relations/service and sales.

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