How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Fiancee left 4 months ago


About 4 months ago my fiancée and mother of our son moved out and back with her mom. We have been together 8 years. The first four years of our relationship were perfect, that normal year long "honeymoon" stage lasted much much longer. When we first started dating She was 17 I was 18. And right around year 4 she left me out of no where. The reasons i was told were not true, but I did graduate college and was no longer working part time, and was working 50 hours a week, so prioritizing my time was an issue. She felt I wasn't giving her the attention she needed. She was right, she deserved a lot more. But I wasn't told that, she kept it inside. So she had left and it was the worst breakup ever, just a lot of stuff went on, her with other guys, while still "trying to work it out" was just terrible. To the point when we got back together about 2 months after i had so much resentment and hurt from it, I let it effect our relationship. And things got better, and we got pregnant (not planned) (not disappointed) and all the stuff that should have been worked on after we got back together, was pushed to the back burner so we can have our son and support him. Things were up and down, while she was finishing school and I was working, she wanted us to move out of the apartment connected to my moms house and get our own. She needed to finish school first, but that fact didn't help that she didn't want to live here anymore. So fast forward a little, the month before she was suppose to graduate college, she decided to leave me. I am going to leave the stuff with my son out of this because it just makes the situation more complicated, we both love our boy, but im not trying to get him back, he will always be in my life, I am trying to get the woman I love back and my family back. When she left, i don't know how it happened or why it happened or exactly when it happened, but all the resentments and insecurities disappeared, it was like if im going to get my family back it is not worth holding onto anything in the past, and from then on I have been nothing but caring and loving, and this has been going on for 4 months, in the beginning it was weird, we didn't see each other much, then we were having sex again, then we were getting close again, then around xmas time we didn't see each other for about 3 weeks, and she was enraged with me and very angry and didn't want to see me, it turned out there was another guy that caught her eye for about a month. But that ended, So for about 6 weeks straight we got closer and closer each and every day to the point where we were so close to getting back together. Something changed and all of a sudden she grew distant again, but about a few days ago she suggested the best way for us to get back would be to have a little space, i said impossible, i have given you space, we have a son, and i love you too much to do that, (space is such a weird word because I barley see her now anyway) she agreed, and just said she doesn't see coming back anytime soon, next week or 2, but after that its very possible. I would like some help to figure out there to help me understand whats going through her mind. I know with out a doubt we will eventually get back, we love each other very much, But this has been the hardest most painful 4 months of my life. And i want to specify there was no cheating from me, no abuse, no domestic violence. Only because I find that stuff disgusting. I know she might be scared, I know a lot of things are going on, but our family is at stake, and I cant imagine as many guys would have waited as long as I have faithfully, i don't need a pat on the back, im proud to do it, she just has such a problem communicating, i wish i knew what was going on up there. At times she we were able to talk about going to couples counseling. But how my days go, if she's in a good mood, things are much better, open and honest, even if the conversation is not a positive one. But when she is in a bad mood, whether I texted or called too much, or her family, or something at worked, she wants nothing to do with counseling, doesn't think she needs it, and its just her getting out her frustration. She definitely still loves me, I know how much I love her, and I am willing to do whatever, but she needs to put the effort in even when in a bad mood, and that's a lot to ask lately.

Hi Patrick,

From my point of view, she's not ready to fully commit. It doesn't sound like she's at that point in her life, even though she has a child with you. You say she loves yo and I don't doubt it, but she's young and this "family" was not planned. Again, she loves your son, but she didn't consciously choose to have him. In her mind, she never said, "I am ready to settle down and be a mom and be committed to one man." So, although she is a mom, she can't control that, and it doesn't sound like she wants to get rid of that part of her life, but she can control being committed to you. So, she's utilizing that power now. She's not quite to the maturity level you seem to be, and she's exerting her control over her life by not committing to you yet.

What does that mean to you? It means that you can't force her to commit. You say she loves you. If this is the case, she will mature at some point and will eventually be the partner you want her to be. But, if you continue to pressure her to be that person, not only will you push her away, but she will also take longer to find the maturity on her own. So, you'll get precisely the opposite of what you want most.

That means, you need to really and truly give her space and time to go out and do whatever she needs to do, whatever she needs to get out of her system. Does that mean she might be with other guys? Maybe. Does that mean you might resent her for it? Quite possibly since you have felt this way before. So, that means you must weigh the pros and cons. You can walk away from her and never try to have a relationship with her again (accept for sharing a child), but you both love one another. You can keep on her case now, but risk pushing her away. You can give her the space she needs, but may end up resenting what she does during this time once she does finally decide to settle down with you for good.

I know none of these choices are ideal, but this is where you are. Which are you most willing to live with? Once you figure this out, you can start moving in that direction and preparing yourself for your future.

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

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