How to Strengthen Your Relationship/should i consider it as an end?

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QUESTION: I have a 3 years relationship with my fiancee. We were working recently in one company for already two months but we are in a separated team. His team went out for a town trip for two days. Along with that date, he attended a close friend's wedding in the same place on the first outing day. When he came back in our place, it seems nothings wrong but I noticed that sometimes there's something bothering him. he confessed to me that his girl supervisor flirted him and kissed him. The woman said that she will do everything for my fiancee but my fiancee refused with her offer. I have a previous broken relationship and honestly, I lost my trust with my current boyfriend. What should I do? Should I believe him?

ANSWER: Hello Tiff,

Because he told you about it, he is probably telling you the truth and is feeling guilty about it. It is not easy to refuse advances from a woman like that.

I think the best thing to do is to praise him for telling you about it and then ask him how he might be able to handle it sooner if another woman tries to seduce him.  Good relationships have agreements and so perhaps you can set up an agreement that if a man tries to seduce you or a woman tries to seduce him that you each call the other person in order to talk it out and make a commitment to each other as to what to do in either case.

If you plan ahead for those things that could happen it will help you both to trust each other and work together. As you talk, if he actually did more, he will tell you.  And then you have a more serious problem but since he told you he probably is telling you the truth.  

Talk to him and see what happens.  Then let me know if I can help you again.

Sharon



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Sharon, thank you very much for your answer. It enlightened my day and hoping as well as the following days. I'm a bit confronting him to what have happened next then he said after he refused, he never replied to the woman thru text message since he left the place where they are doing the outing thing. Whenever I tried to clear things out or ask him regarding what have happened next that incident, he refuses to answer me or redirect the topic to another because for him, it will cause chaos or I might build rage within myself.

That IT girl is one of the supervisors, we are still novice in the office and cant help that I usually need to consult her whenever my supervisor is not around regarding customer's issues. I still do behave professionally here like pretending things nothing had happened but deep inside me, it is like I want to do something bad to her. I just poured my sadness recently, cant help to be emotional since I felt like I cant do nothing since she's superior to me and needs to respect her in the office despite of what bitchy thing had happened.
What can you advise?Do I need to quit job or both of my fiancee just to get away with the issue?
P.S. my fiancee is planning to quit the job in one month. He sensed that the IT girl is having grudges against him.

ANSWER: Hello again,

Did you praise him for telling you like I suggested? The mistake you made was to question him in detail about what happened because that showed you did not trust him. What you needed to do was to say that you were proud of him for telling you and then tell him that there might be a time when a man would try to get with you, too and that both of you could make a commitment to each other to always tell each other or call each other and let each other know.  

You really do not want to know all the details.All you need to know was that he refused her and thought enough of you to tell you. If you keep trying to question him with all the details then the next time he may not tell you until it is too late.

If he is planning on quitting because he thinks she is having rudges against hm then he is really showing you that he does not want to be with her.  You should be very proud of him and you need to stop thinking about it and worrying about it. That will solve nothing and it also shows that you lack confidence in yourself. You need to think well enough of yourself to know that you will be just fine, with or without him, and so for your own good and peace of mind, just trust him as he has shown that he is faithful to you. Yes, he was caught off guard for a minute when she kissed him, but after that he refused her and that was great and showed that he has a lot of will power.  

You need to take a deep breathe and talk to yourself so that you will stop thinking about this.  Have more confidence in yourself to handle this. Whether you quit your job that is up to you but think about this.  The more you are upset about this the more you are giving your personal power away. People who feel good and powerful in themselves do not let a person like this ruin their happiness. You still have your man and he obviously cares for you so concentrate on how to create a great relationship with him and do not bring up the subject again, at least for a long time, and then perhaps you can praise him and then tell him that you both could make an agreement. Then ask him what he thinks you should do if a guy comes on to you. Suggest that you both tell each other about it and then laugh about it and be thankful that you are faithful to each other.

Have enough confidence to know that even though it has been unpleasant you should be happy about how he handled it and that you are a great woman and do not need to worry because if he turns out to be unfaithful, which I do not think will happen, you will be okay and some good man will appreciate you.  You might tell him that you will not question him about it again and that you are very happy he has been faithful to you and so now it is time to let the whole thing be forgotten.  If you express confidence in his faithfulness it will help him be proud that he resisted this woman and make him want to keep being faithful to you. Believe in him and believe in yourself.

I hope this helps.

Sharon



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for the follow up answer Sharon. Yes, I did a compliment to what he did. But I think I got a wrong move earlier. What happened was when both of us arrived in the office around 8 am, the supervisor was also there as we walk towards office.I tried to go first because it felt awkward for me  to walk along with her and my bf. Then my bf just did chitchat as if nothings happened to them. I feel the urge in me that wants to ‘go crazy’ or ‘struggled’ to keep my temper down. I managed to keep quiet but when my bf talked with me when the girl was gone, I poured over my anger to him. I don't know if my reaction was normal but I think I was jealous. I already told him that he should not have talked to the girl coz what I think is that the girl might think, what they did was okay since as if nothing was happened before because my bf just reacted and talked to her normally. But for me, I already have warned my bf that he should stay away from her but instead, he even talked to her. He explained his side because for him he just reacted normally so as to behave professionally despite of what I warned him to stay away from that girl. Did I sound correct or there is really something wrong with me? Is my bf right?

Answer
Hello again,

He was right to talk to her and it shows that he can act professionally and put his emotions aside. This is a good quality.  it is too bad that you reacted that way and tried to tell him what to do. I don't want to criticize you but it is childish to warn him to stay away from her when they have to work together. Think about how a confident adult would handle it.

I think you should apologize to him and tell him that you are proud of him that he could put it all aside and handle it professionally.

Think about this carefully. It is like grade school stuff when a person gets all upset if her boyfriend talks to another girl when she knows the girl is after her boyfriend. You are in an adult work situation and all of you should be speaking to each other. Now, hanging out together after work or alone with the girl at lunch--that would be something to get upset about but just speaking to each other is the very best thing to do. Especially since she has some control over others in management.

She is probably embarrassed herself cause he turned her down and so his speaking to her let her save face a bit and made it so she could continue the work relationship without embarrassment.

Remember what I said. When a person has self-confidence they do not need to be jealous but be confident that everything will be okay one way or the other.  The more you act like you don't care and act maturely, the more you will be attractive to a man.  The more you  act jealously and try to control what he does, the more you push a guy away.  

Look in the mirror. You are a mature woman who can handle herself with confidence so act accordingly.

Walk with your head held high.  Aplogogize to him and then he will admire you all the more for handling it like a real woman.

Sharon

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

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Sharon Crandall

Experience

Over 30 years of working with individuals, families, and businesses. Teaching classes, private coaching--helping design individual life plans,, private personality assessment, group workshops, and training others to become Personality Consultants and Life Coaches.

Education/Credentials
Certified in two year program of Personality Science. Certified in secondary Personality Science program from a different institution. Trained in various workshops for Life Coaching, Self-educated from numerous books and programs, plus private training from Personality Science experts.

Past/Present Clients
Hundreds of people from all walks of life including private individuals, couples, families, and businesses--from homemakers to CEO's Worked with many groups in workshops and classes. Worked with businesses particularly in customer relations/service and sales.

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