How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Does he want me?

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So I met this guy through a mutual friend. Right off the bat we hit it off. It's been about 2 months now. Here's 33 I'm 30. We go out , he's made dinner, I've made dinner. Yes we've had sex. His last gf was 5 years and it ended in September 2014. His dad got into an accident and was hospitalized since December. He actually passed away 3 weeks ago. After that we had this convo about us and he said that he feels as though I am ready for a relationship but he's not ready for that.  That with all that happened with his dad he can't "feel" anything right now. I asked him if he's still got feelings for his ex he said no he just cares about her as a person but not feelings in that way.  I asked him if this is just about sex for him he said no I enjoy spending time with you. He's very open and honest and I admire that.He said we can be friends and reevaluate in a month if I like or keep it's going. I told him I've been okay with the way it's going and it had only been a month and half so I didn't expect a relationship . He said he wanted us to grow together and that "this is definitely the start of something" that's good right?   I asked him if he ever sees himself in a relationship (in general )he said right now I can't say, but given my history I would say yes. (His last gf was 5 years, one before 7). He also said he never expected us to progress so quickly and that he didn't think we would 'click' as well as we do.

We have deep conversations sometimes, he texts everyday and asks how my days going, if I slept well or what I ate. He sends very long text msgs. We see each other 1-2 times week. I met one of his good friends, he's talked about me to his family. He met some of my good friends. I came back from a trip recently n our schedules were conflicting cuz he's going on a trip this week so I said I guess I'll c u when u come back n he's like can we do lunch or coffee this thur, please? Day of his flight.

Anyway it seems different from the typical guy that doesn't wanna commit. I just don't know if his father passing could make him feel this way . I was planning on giving it time as it's only been 2 months.  I owning badger him or anything. How do I get him to want to eventually commit? I let him make the plans now, I've become more guarded .

Answer
Dear Sara,

Your question does not seem to lead to a simply answer.  I would definitely rule out the idea that he might have feelings for the old girl friend.  I'd say that's very unlikely.  As for the death of his father, that is undoubtedly taking it's toll in ways he isn't discussing or maybe even aware.  Grieving is indeed a process and that process has only begun for him.  If they had a good relationship, he'll work through it in time.  If it was a bad relationship, it will take longer and be more stressful.

As for you being guarded, I think that's wise.  I'm old fashioned and deeply spiritual when it comes to uncommitted relationships with sex.  Well, I'm old fashioned and spiritual in all aspects of my life, but when it comes to intimacy and passion, it simply cannot be casual and maintain the relationship.  Once a woman has sex with a man, the relationship has changed.  It matters not, how progressive our society is, it's just the way women were created.  

It seems once a couple has had sex, both parties change.  The woman is more invested in the relationship and the man becomes completely satisfied for the relationship to be maintained right where it is.  An old observation of a relationship is women want security and men want sex.  Thus, sex is best in the confines of marriage, which practically speaking; is the exchange of sex for him and security for her.   

You cannot push him into a relationship and I can tell by what you say, you wouldn't want to.  You, personally, are at a crossroads of sorts.  If you maintain what you have and try not to move forward, the relationship will do one of three things.  He'll get serious about commitment, you'll go your separate ways, or it will stagnate and become a "secure habit."  I'm not aiming this negatively toward him, I don't have any idea what kind of man he is, but he does have some issues to deal with, at least in the situation of his father's death and that cannot become an excuse to hold you in limbo.  

Definitely guard your heart.  Do not go past your emotional comfort zone at this time.  If you enjoy the time you share, then do that.  Don't do anything you are not comfortable in doing.  You have not said anything negative about him, but I just discern that he wants more from the relationship, right now, than he's willing to invest.  

The relationship is relatively new.  Give it time, but make sure you're comfortable in that time.    

I wish you well.
Kind Regards,
KD Liz
www.thelandofgoshen.com  

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

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Kindred Beisinger penname K D Elizabeth Beisinger

Expertise

I am able to answer questions regarding dating, courtship, and marriage after divorce. I feel equipped to address questions and comments regarding old baggage and past mistakes. I can also answer questions pertaining to blended families and step-children. I can not answer questions that involve manipulating the partners behavior or outlook.

Experience

I am a minister that teaches and counsels G-d's instruction for stable relationships. My husband and I have both been married before. I have worked with battered women and facilitated groups for men with anger issues. As a minister, I have officiated several weddings in the past decade, with only one resulting in divorce.

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