How to Strengthen Your Relationship/silent treatment
QUESTION: hey sharon my name is suhana am 27years i have read all of your answers and it has actually helped me in the past to become a stronger person and to settle for nothing but the best but in life i guess sometimes you are in a situation where you are really confused as to what you should do and i am in real help of yours.i want to tell you something about myself first i have never had any good relationships in my life most probably because i decided to give without even someone asking for it making it easier for people to take me for granted i had actually lost hope that i would find a guy who would be not manipulating where at least i would have a say in something.then i met this guy online we hit it off really good it was like we were soul mates and looking for each other he told me he has never been in relationship and he told me he loves me in few days.the next step was to as he lived in diff city as to how we should meet as i met him on a matrimonial site i wanted him to see my parents as well if we want things to go further.he came he met me and he met my parents during this time we did had 2 huge fights in the first major fight he didn't speak to me for 3 days. i msged him eventually he wanted to breakup with me but i somehow convinced him cause nothing major had happened but it was shocking to see a guy who committed so much said so much on not giving wanted to give up soon.when we met we really felt strongly fr each other and i was certain that i want to be with him maybe because i was getting all the attention but he really cared for me and whenever i use to look into his eyes i could see it he was upset the day he was leaving he was very emotional.my parents were not in favor and they don't have any solid reason at the moment but he has promised them he would accept all there conditions and will do what ever it takes to be with me.when he went back he gt very busy with his exams so we weren't able to talk that much after that he fell sick since he fell sick he has been acting weird he doesn't talk at all doesn't reply to any of my msgs or calls he says he is nt in a state of mind to talk but i don't feel good about it as i feel i am invisible i have msged him multiple times he didn't reply than today i again called him he disconnected the first time and when i msged u there he hardly talked and ignored all my msgs.his last msg was an emoticon and when i didn't reply to him he asked if i was busy i said no just lying down i didn't get your emoticon and again he vanished not replying.the thing is when i am busy he gets upset i am not giving him time but when he is i should be understanding when i dont reply to his msg he takes it upon his heart and gets upset but if i do i cant.as much as i love him i cant accept this behavior of not existing when something is not good or not working.now i don't know what to do further when i asked him if i shouldn't contact him for now as i am really confused he didn't reply.i don't know what to do my concerns are as follows
1)if i keep msging and he doesn't reply i don't want to look needy.
2)if i don't he would think i don't care about him when he is sick
3) how should i tell him that this behavior is not acceptable without him getting upset
cause usually when i try to tell him something he should not do he gets upset i try to tell him in a way so that he doesn't feel i am targeting him or something.
4)i get paranoid what if he never contacts should i feel guilty about it and contact him or not or let him do the contact after all my msgs i get one word replies.
and when he does contact me should i act normal or upset.
yes i have a lot of concerns probably cause i am in love and i want this to work but as much as i want it to work i don't want it to be on cost of me compromising on everything ne going back to the weak person i use to be who use to accepts guy throws at her without thinking.
Please help me as to how should i deal with all this i really need your help and clarity.thanks
ANSWER: Dear Suhana,
There are lots of problems here and many signs that this man is not a good man who you would want to marry. This is the problem. Too many women when they meet someone builds a whole fantasy in their minds that this is the one and only, etc. Remember when you were little and you believed in fairy tales? In the USA people believed in Santa Clause and were crushed when they found out there was no Santa Claus.
You created a whole fairy tale and now it is time for you to realize that it was just a fantasy that you created.
One very, very, very important thing is that you always conduct yourself so that you will be respected. Good relationships always are based on respect. That is more important than love. When you respect each other you treat each other well.
So now let's look at all the signs that this man was not a good partner for you. Your parents were right.
1. He told you he loved you within a few days. That is not possible as you hadn't even met in person, so he was just trying to impress you. 2. you had two huge fights. 3. He didn't speak to you for three days. That shows his inability to communicate well and really care for you. 4. He wanted to break up with you. 5. He used excuses not to talk to you. etc. etc. etc.
You do not have confidence and respect for yourself and so you did many things that showed that. First, you should have broken up with him when he didn't speak to you for three days. This shows that you needed him so badly you would put up with horrible behavior. the next thing is that he wanted to break up and you talked him out of it. You should never, never, never try to talk someone into staying with you. You immediately lose respect when you do that. Even if he married you he would treat you very badly because it didn't come from him it came from pressure from you. It shows how needy you are and makes you look very pathetic. Another biiiiiiiiiiiig mistake is continuing to text him and contact him when he does not answer your texts. That is another thing that makes you lose respect.
Another thing that show you were still clinging to your fairy tale is that you made an excuse for his not contacting you was that he was busy with exams. A man who loves a woman would never let much time go by without at least making a quick contact.
Even after seeing all his bad behavior you still want to make it work. Don't do it. Love has to flow freely if it is love. If you respected yourself you would have broken up with him a long time ago. There is no confusion here--he is on again, off again, etc. and clearly shows that he does not love you or respect you. There is nothing to save except you dream that it will all be okay. It won't. Because he is who he is. It is not what people say as much as it is their actions that shows who a person really is.
Now, what I would wish for you is that you sit down and write out what you want in a mate. Be very clear. Then when you meet someone, hold back your feelings until he shows that he is respectful. At the first sign of disrespect move on to someone else. If he doesn't call or text for awhile do not contact him. Let him be the one who pursues the relationship. Do not buy things for the guy. Do not offer to do his laundry or do things for him until you clearly have established a relationship and his caring and doing things for you comes first.
Learn to move on at the first sign of disrespect. At least for sure after the second event. You might give him the benefit of the doubt once, if it not very serious, but after that you must respect yourself and move on. People rarely change. Really look at your relationship so far. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? People must understand that what they have right in the moment is what they will have, only worse, after you marry.
One sign that a man would make a good mate is if he gradually cares for you more and more and contacts you regularly and starts showing that he cares for you CONSISTENTLY. Never off again, on again, pouting for three days, not answering your texts, etc. If he would make a good mate, he is thoughtful, calls before he shows up, doesn't pressure you to have sex, and just shows thoughtfulness and respect.
The problem is that he has already shown you by his actions who he is and what kind of mate he would make for you. I hope that you will be smart and break it off. Then I would like you to everything you can to build self-confidence. I am proud of you for what you already have done to increase your confidence by learning how to apply things I have advised in the past. Now, read all books you an find on building confidence, get more education, develop any talents you have wear clothes an colors that show confidence, hold your head high as though you are somebody important, and walk confidently. Then start looking for a different type of guy than what you used to be attracted to. Listen to your gut feelings when you meet someone. Also, it is impossible to know someone unless you actually spend time with him going places together, talking together, or in some way be with him in person so you can see how he treats other people and interacts with others.
OK? Just count this relationship as a very important learning experience, OK?
I wish you the very best.
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QUESTION: hey sharon till i didn't receive your answer i spoke to a friend of mine she said till he is nt well msg him after that if he doesn't reply you should'nt so yesterday i kept msging him the whole day and u know the more he didn't reply the more i felt paranoid and i felt as if this relationship is slipping away from my hands making myself believe its all cause of myself and later after mayb 20 or msgs and few calls later i realized this is too humiliating for me and it hurt me sooo bad that i cant even express the feeling of how all of a sudden a person claiming to love you can be so ignorant and not care.pls tell me how is it possible ?i felt soo much pain that i cant even begin to share.Maybe i got paranoid and thts why msged him even more but i don't want to feel like that ever again after late in the afternoon i stopped msging and calling him picked myself up and honestly i felt how can we give man so much power over us.i received your mail late at night and i realized how right you are.You have brought in soo much clarity that i cant ever thank you enough for that.but how to deal with these kind of men i feel as if we feed them ourselves by humiliating ourselves.You asked me to breakup with him but he has to talk to me for that right?i didn't msg him after that afternoon humiliating experience he msged me the next morning saying hi baby you up not saying anything as to what happened the previous day no apologies and i knew if i would have done that i don't know how many times i would have apologized.i replied ya he didn't said anything i asked him you just wanted to say hi he said yeah just wanted to ask how you are doing i felt soo bad and heartbroken that second i felt i had nothing to say.What should say to a person like this :( how can people change i am not able to accept that.i don't know if he will msg me in future.so how should i breakup should i reply to his msgs in future or what should i do with this kind of indifferent behavior.You have made me realise so many things sharon that i cant thank you enough you have changed my thinking on soo many levels please help me with this task as well.
ANSWER: Hello again.
You are so right in feeling humiliated from being ignored and how that gives him all your power. Then he acts like nothing is wrong. How degrading is that!! When someone really cares and loves you, just the thought that they might have hurt you would make them talk to you and talk things out. Believe me, you would never have to worry about them not contacting you, unless it was a real emergency where they could not contact you.
So, if he contacts you, the best thing would be to ignore it and don't answer. If he keeps on then I would tell him that you feel like you two are not compatible and right now you want to do some things you have been wanting to do and really don't have time for this. Don't be too hurt. He is not worth it. He is into himself more than anyone else and is probably not capable of really loving someone. He needs years of hard knocks and learning experiences before he will maybe or maybe not, really get how to care for someone but it is not your job to teach him. Find someone who is naturally a caring person and look for those red warning flags!
When you take something out of your life, the way to get over it soon is to immediately fill your life with things you enjoy, reading those good books, making new friends, going places, enjoying nature, anything positive you can think of. Pretty soon you will feel free and wonder how you ever could have fallen in love with him.
The LESS you say the more powerful you are as a woman, and the more you will build your confidence. Never get in that position again to be humiliated like that. You can do it!!
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QUESTION: hey sharon listening to your advice i realized nothing is more imp than yourself respect so after his soo called msg to ask me how am i doing i called him to break it off it was the hardest thing to do for me but i guess i had to he didnt receive i msged him i wanted to talk to you about something important call me he dint reply neither he called.So i thought this will just be a drag last time he broke up with me was on whatsap msg and i thought what if he talks me out of it so i broke up with him and msged him telling him i cant do this anymore and i realize that he doesn't respect me anymore i told him if u decide to treat me better do msg me or else have good life you wont believe a person who was not replying replied to me the moment he saw my msg as i said to him maybe you are looking for something else.he replied "have a good life i wasn't looking for anything else(period) but i guess things are not how we started so lets not pump more blood to it.stay blessed."i was like this was the person i was crying for i thought maybe he didn't like me when he saw me but he was such a different person when i met him i didn't give him what he was expecting from me and i was like till am not sure i wont be physical with him and he said he is fine with it and i said straight no .What i am surprised at is when nothing happened how can people change overnight how to be careful of these kind of people thanks to u and what you have told me i don't have regrets yes i am hurt very very badly i don't trust any man i feeel i cant talk to any man in future cause i will just be scared of him hurting me i really feel i will end up alone cause i don't know how to be in relationship anymore.i am at my best when i am not in relationship how to change this sharon and how to believe in myself again i am guilty conscious person i always think i might have done something that made him go away but look at man or him he doesn't even care than why do we woman make our selves so weak for no reason.i want to thank you from the bottom of my heart that u literally saved me u acted like an angel telling me the right thing to do or maybe in future it would have been too late.
I am so sorry to be slow in answering. I have put all experts in my address book and keep noting that it is not junk mail but they keep putting these emails in my junk file.
A couple of things. Number one, you have to meet a lot of men before you find a good one so just know that in advance.
Two, when you do not trust others it means that you do not trust yourself. When you have self-confidence then you do not believe everything a man says at first and then you will not get hurt. You wait to really fall for a guy to see who he really is. Never give your heart to a man until you have had personal contact for several months.
Three--he did not change. The real person just didn't show up until later.
Four. It really takes time to get to know another person. You have to see how he treats others such as waiters, family, friends, etc. You have to know what he believes and if he is honest. If he seems to have a lot of women friends and so is not faithful by nature. You must listen carefully to what he says and what his actions are.
Five. Men quickly know when they are with a woman who is not confident and is easily fooled so if they are out just to use you they learn how to do that very quickly by your words and actions. That is why you ALWAYS hold back feelings for a guy until you see what his true character is.
Six--you have to learn how to attract a different kind of guy. Get this book! "Ten Stupid Things Women do to mess up their lives" by Dr. Laura Schessinger. You can order it online through Amazon or Abe Books. Buy it used and it won't cost very much. This will give you the power you need. Yes, it is best to not date right now until you read this book and develop more self-confidence. Then you need to have the attitude of a lovely young woman I know. She said when she broke up with a guy who turned out to be not what she thought. She said, "That's okay. Men are like buses, one comes along every 20 minutes." Now that's confidence. You have to "kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince!"
When you get more confidence you will be attracted to a different type of guy. You will be able to see right away if the guy is not good for you, at least within a few months and sometimes within one date. You have to listen to what they say and NEVER MAKE EXCUSES FOR BEHAVIOR that seems not to be good. Listen to those gut feelings that warn you and accept them and do not try to explain them away. If you look back on your relationship with this guy you know there were warning flags that you ignored. The first time someone does something unkind or uncaring to us it is their fault. The second time it is our fault!!
I wish you the best.