Expert: Shelley Evans - 9/17/2006

Question
hello thank you for that advice you gave me to me. The thing is we both dont wanna believe that we are going to break up and we both dont want that at all. what do u think is the best solution to fixing it. The whole takng time apart from each other we tried it but never really gave it a chance, but we wanna try something that can def work any suggestions?
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Followup To

Question -
I really hope you can help me on this one. My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 months now and it was soo amazing you know the honeymoon stage. Well of course thats gonna get over with but now we argue like over the littlest things and its tearing us apart big time. We try to talk and see what we can do about it but nothing can come to mind. We also both say that we want this to work out but whens its 50% happy and 50% unhappy its no good. We want this relationship to work out so bad, do you have any answers that maybe can help me out?

Answer -
Anthony,

There are a couple of reasons why this might be the case and my answer would depend on which of these is the problem:

1. Maybe all you had was good chemistry and really have nothing else in common. In happy relationships, couples share the same interests, the same important values, they like the same activities -- they're alike in temperament. If you're not  really much alike, you're going to constantly battle about everything and it isn't much of a basis for a good relationship. You might need to re-think why you're together exactly.

2. How much time do you spend together? Sometimes early on in a relationship, we want to spend every waking moment together -- and a lot of people think that's how it should be. However, we all need some space and time for ourselves and for other relationships in our life (outside activities, other friends and family). Otherwise we can feel smothered, irritated, and out of sorts with each other. It may just be that you need to spend a couple of days apart each week so that when you're together, you bring more to it and you enjoy each other's company more.

3. It could be that one of you is upset or angry about something that you're afraid to talk about. When people become angry over trivial things in a disproportionate way, it is often because they are really upset about something else and they're afraid that talking about it might threaten the relationship. So they argue about things that have nothing to do with the real issue and can't threten the relationship. Does this make sense to you? Sometimes there's a larger issue at stake. If that's the case, you need to get it out on the table and solve it.

Those are some of the possible explanations for what might be going on -- take a look and see if any of them fit your situation and make sense. If you need clarification please feel free to ask.

Shelley

Answer
Hi Anthony,

Well, what I would suggest is that you start working on some activites that you like to do together but WITH others. It will allow you to work on common interests and also get out and interact with others and diffuse some of the tension between you.

I'm not sure how old you are, but you could do somthing like take a dance class together (yeah, I know. . . but think salsa or hip-hop) or join in some couples activities in your church. You meed to find some common interests outside of your relationships -- that way you're spending time apart but you're in it together and developing interests that you share. This will help build your relationship. Do you know what I mean?

You could also look for a class for couple relationships. Churches sometimes have pre-marital classes that help couples learn how to communicate better and how to fight without destroying the relationship.

Find out *more* about each other -- what do you really know? Who was her best friend in school? What's her favorite color? What is her family like? Was she good in school? do you like to read? Pick a book you've both read and talk about it. Do you know how to cook? Cook her a meal. Better yet, pick a recipe and cook a meal together. Start talking about and doing things for the relationship that are about getting to know and respect each other as people.

Good relatiosnhips involve people who know each other well and enjoy each other's company -- you need to spend time *doing* some things together, sharing activities that you both enjoy.  

I hope this helps and makes sense, Anthony. Not all my suggestions will work for you -- you've got to choose what fits for both of you. Let me know if you need clarification on any of this.

Shelley