Past/Present clients Hundreds of people from all walks of life. Experience: 25 years in the field of Personistics (innate personality characteristics)that includes: private personality profiling, Life Guidance Coaching, Business consulting, teaching numerous classes & seminars, lectures, and participating in radio talk shows.
Question My bf has been unaffectionate lately. Well, our fights have been about his unaffectionateness. My mistake was pushing and pressuring him way too much, and always making him feel bad about himself and or comparin him to my exs. BIG mistake, I know. I guess he got fed up with me and in his way he told me by having wondering eyes and not showing much affection. We had a few fights, but nothing compared to the one we had last night. It was HUGE. I think we got osmethign resolved, even though I'm going ot have to sit back now and wait it out. If I back off and stop pressuring, do you think he will start to show more affection then? What makes men stop showing offection? What can you DO to make them start showing it? Like in public he wont rally do much. Mostly when him and I are out with my family, or something, he doesn't seem to want to hold my hand or kiss me or naything. He says he has no problem with showing affection in public. Then why wont he kiss me or hold me? I feel liek i ALWAYS have to start it. Even when we are alone. In the bginning he wouldnt keep his hands off of me. Now I feel I ALWAYS have to start touching him.kissing him. What can I do to make sure he WONT get bored with me? To make him WANT to show affection? Possibly, to even make him a little jealous here and there? My biggest fear is him getting bored with me. How the hell do I make it so he doesn't? i'm so scared. And also, how do I learn to trust again? Sorry this is so long. I need someone helps and advice. How can I make him not get bored with me...even when we're so serious or if it gets more serious in the future? I honestly don't know how couples survive living together. Wouldn't they end up cheating on another? Because of boredom and mundaneness? Please please help! Thank you SOOOO much!
Answer Dear L,
Yep. You sure did pressure and push him too much. It didn't work, either, did it?
Women need to know the nature of men. Women gave their power away when they were sold the idea of Women's Lib that women should be aggressive, and be just like men and have sex when they want to, etc.
The nature of any relationship is that it goes through stages. When there is a life long committment (marriage) then you have something to hold on to. YOu have mutual goals and things to work on together. You have children, generally, and that also gives you common goals, hopefully.
So, relationships cool off and are just not so exciting when a guy gets everything he wants without having to work for it. Then the women keep trying to change it. They try everything to make it better and then start pressuring, etc.
Couples survive living together when they are married and have a committment. It has been proven that couples who live together first have more divorces than otherwise. Playing house without any obligation doesn't work.
Men are hunters. By nature they need to be the one who does the pursuing and the hunting. Women make big mistakes by calling their guy all the time and being available whenever he wants and giving them everything without demanding anything. Women have lost their dignity.
I know that sometimes I waste words because women who keep working and trying and pressuring and pushing rarely are able to take my advice. If you are smart, however, this is what you will do.
First of all, decide if he is good enough for you, or not. If your gut feeling says that you are desperate and that he really is not what you want in life then you have to be honest and just say goodbye.
More than likely, he will not change in his showing affection in public. Some people have traits that are just more private and feel like they are being rude and low class to show affection in public. Is this really important to you? The problem here, is that you want to change his basic nature. OH, he might change for awhile but he will surely slip back into his personality pattern.
You see, he will show love the way he shows love. You are smart to accept the way he shows love, if you want to keep him and if it isn't too late. You can't reject a person and be critical and then expect him to fall all over you with the kind of love you want.
Men's number one need is sex. Companionship and admiration are in the top five needs. When was the last time you admired your man for something? Are you fun to be with?
Women tend to analyze their relationships to death. Find a girlfriend to talk about relationships and back off from your guy. As soon as you tell a man you want to talk to him, he immediately pictures being bawled out and put down and he wants to run away as fast as he can.
You just have to know that sex loses its excitement and therefore you need to have other things you do that bring you together.
Now, if it is at all possible to fix this relationship then you need to back off and suggest you start all over in your relationship. Suggest your guy ask you for a date. Then go out and be a fun person and forget all this heavy stuff. Then don't call him but let him call you again. If you are having sex, which I don't recommend, then at least be playful but not available for sex every time he wants it. If you were married I would then say, after you turn him down, then surprise him and make a date with him and you be the aggressive one.
Whatever the case. Keep him guessing a bit. Be the first one to close a conversation on the phone. Be too busy to talk to him. Be too busy to go out with him because you have to wash your hair or some other trivial thing. DO NOT TRY TO MAKE HIM FEEL JEALOUS by pretending to be dating other men. A woman should call a guy about once to his calling you four or five times. Remember the need to hunt and chase?
By your being too easy and then wanting to settle right down into a serious relationship you are threatening him. Keep him guessing and he will stay interested. Be a little mysterious yourself.
Stop criticizing. Start admiring. Do things on your own to have fun so you don't feel you have to have a man by your side at all times. Develop independence. Develop your talents. Build a life for yourself, too. Be interesting. Read. Have something to talk about.
Well, I hope this helps. Please respond with more questions, if you would like. Let me know how it is going. Is he calling you at all, now?
