AboutChris Harris Expertise I can help with referral questions regarding suicide prevention and treatment as well as problems finding support, speaking with loved ones about suicide, and accessing needed services. I do not give advice regarding medications or endorse any particular service group or organization.
Experience Out patient therapist, emergency room social worker, and drug and alcohol counselor
Education/Credentials masters degree in social work, State social work license
Expert: Chris Harris Date: 3/28/2008 Subject: Need some help..
Question Hey my name's Bindi. I come from a nice family, have a nice boyfriend and I guess I have friends too. Everything went wrong after my moms sister and her family came from India to live with us. They came over and did some horrible things. I was usually the one home with them because my parents worked long hours. They would make lunch and never make enough for me or they would talk about my mom and dad behind their back along with my grandma (mom's mom). I got to hear everything. That was okay..I was able to deal. Then they went and called my dad's sister in law and started talking about my family (my dad's sister in law hates my mom) and they all ended up telling everyone in my town, who's Indian and is friends with our family. Then, one day my aunt said some mean things about me and my parents and I completely exploded on her. That night they went to my neighbors house who they don't know and lived with them for days (neighbors=Indian). Eventually people in my county started to dislike us. Ever since then I've lost my patience towards people. And i feel so sad and lonely. I get upset so easily..just by the slightest thing. it's been about 4 years..I'm not mad at them anymore. But as time went on I've become more anti social. People are always talking about us. i always feel lonely and self conscious. i hate going out because i don't want to run into people. some times i wonder why I'm alive but i know i wont commit suicide. i don't drink to fix my life or do drugs. I'm smart and i have goals. but things are so wrong. i felt this way 3 years ago and i talked it out with my family and i got better. but it started again the year after so i started to avoid the feelings and go out every weekend to get away from it. I tried to take up my free time. But the more i hang out with people, the more people i found who hated me. so today, i stay at home and spend my time studying. but now that i have a lot of time I'm always feeling sad. and I'm tired of people. I'm tired of how everyone always looks down on me after the whole problem with my cousin. and they ONLY look down on me. they all think my brothers an angel and they give him all the credit for everything. they always brag about him...so do my parents. maybe its all just in my head and its not true. i don't know. i hate myself. i want to know what i did wrong with people. I've had 3 best friends in my life and they all back stabbed me. i can't take it. I'm just a bad friend, a bad daughter, a bad sister..I'm jealous of my brother being praised. i should be happy for him. i can't stand myself. if i talk to people, i feel like they're going to start talking about me like my last 3 best friends. but if i don't i stay at home and think about all the things I've done wrong. and i don't blame my past on anyone but me. i control myself and everything thats happened is because of me. i could have controlled that stuff.i don't know why i feel this. what do i do? how do i just move on with life? the past is just taking over my mind and i cant do anything with myself. i run from everyone in my past. I hate seeing them. I quit dancing because the organization I was in is filled with people who hate me. There is no other dance organization for me to join. I'm so sick of people misunderstanding me. i know I'm not depressed -- my eating habits are fine, and i can sleep at night. so what is wrong with me. i hate myself and i just hate everything thats happened. i mean sometimes suicide seems like the only way ill be left alone and no one will talk about me. but its stupid. suicide is stupid. theres people like my parents who care so much. i don't want to hurt them. no matter how mad i get. i love my family they're all i have. i don't want to tell them how I've been feeling because they're so stressed about work and other important things. what is wrong with me..
Answer B,
You sound like a wonderful person. You deserve to have some happiness in your life but it sounds like you experienced a serious trauma in your young life and it has taken over your life. You are ruminating about it and trying to rationalize it away. Your cousins came into your life because your parents were generous and decided to help them. They betrayed your trust, hurt you and your family. I know you feel you are not depressed but I would encourage you to seek counseling immediately. Any time suicide feels like the answer, hopelessness is present in your life. You may deny feeling depressed but you letter sounds depressed and you sound hopeless and helpless in your effort to change how you feel. Depression is not something which can be changed with a snap of your fingers or an easy drug (antidepressant). You need to explore the reasons for your depression and those reasons, I believe, include the trauma you described when your cousins came to live with you. When people become clinically depressed, they have a negative outlook on life and people tend to stay away from them. After a while the person becomes isolated and begins to feel hopeless, helpless, and worthless. I am sorry you had to experience the extremely bad behavior you described about your cousins. Depression is treatable and there is hope. If you need someone to talk with live please call 1-800-784-2433 or if you just need someone to talk to 1-800-273-8255. I am not affiliated with these national organizations but they do offer a live person to speak with and they may be able to hook you up with someone locally in your area to help. If you have any other questions please drop me a note. I wish you well.
Chris
