| |
You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Mental Health > Suicide Prevention > Just venting
Expert: Chris Harris
Date: 4/9/2008
Subject: Just venting
Question
Frist let me apologize for the length of this and believe it or not it is only a partial of what's going on here.
What do you do when you lose all hope? You think about suicide. I’m a 54 year old woman who doesn’t want to live anymore. No, I’m not “actively” suicidal right now, I just don’t want to be alive, or maybe I don’t want to feel and am growing more discouraged each day I wake.
Sadly so much has changed in my life these past 4 years I don’t know how to recover. I used to be able to rebound from terrible situations. Now, I’m just tired. After years of mental illness my mom took her own life when she was 44, I was 21. The ensuing years continued to be a struggle with a divorce, an abusive relationship.
When I was 42 I met a man who showed me the true meaning of unconditional love. I had found my soul mate and married him 3 months later, in 1996. He helped heal my broken soul from painful past relationships, loved my son (who sadly is into drugs and I don’t know where he is right now), our grand-buddies, who we tried to raise in 2004. Sadly my husband died at the age of 45 of a heart attack on December 19, 2005. I woke up and found him dead next to me. 2006 was a year in shock and disbelief. In January 2007 I just stopped going out, my heart would race every time I thought about it. I used the interned for food and I haven’t really been out and about since. I panic when I walk outside, now I wake up with that panic feeling. Nobody has been inside my home in over a year. It’s been so long now that people forget or think that you are mad at them, which is understandable. I am too embarrassed to tell anyone the truth. I answer the phone for only 3 or 4 people so they know I’m alive and won’t call the police. Yes, logically I am aware that there is no reason for this feeling…but that doesn’t stop it. So what do I do….absolutely nothing but watch TV. No, I don’t hear voices or see visions, maybe it would be easier to explain and understand it if I did hear voices.
Since I don’t drive any more, and where I live has no bus access, even if I didn’t panic at the thought of going outside, not sure if I could get anywhere for help not to mention the costs. I have considered calling 911, but don’t want to bother them as I’m not an emergency, besides, what will they do for me. Emergency rooms aren’t equipped to deal with mental illness. I also know that the 911 personnel would rather deal with me prior to an attempt rather than after or a “completer”. Also, the nearest County hospital is 45 minutes away and not easily accessible. So, I just sit and ponder as more time goes by and things get worse.
I can’t work like this and lost my medical insurance in January 2007. I am a chronic pain patient due to having screwed up disks in my neck for 8 years or so and, have not had any medical attention in over a year. I truly hate being this way, living with no quality or joy in life. I can’t see a way out of this situation right now, and the thought of being 54 and homeless, scares me to no end, which is quickly becoming my reality. Too many problems for me to deal with. I’m tired of hurting mentally and physically. So, why am I writing…maybe hoping that you have some ideas or something. Maybe to let people know that everyone can be suicidal at some point in their life. Sadly the stigma that is attached to it hurts even more.
Thanks for letting me vent....
Answer
Cris,
There is a nation al hotline 1-800-273-8255 and also your county has a mental health program that gives you access when you can not afford help. Call the hotline to speak with a live person. You can find your local MH/MR number in the phone book. Calling 911 is a good idea. They will take you to the hospital for an evaluation and possibly some immediate help. Call for help.
Good luck,
Chris
View Follow-Ups
Add to this Answer
Ask a Question
|
|
