Suicide Prevention/Please pray for me. I am going to Hell. God does not have a plan for me.
QUESTION: I am a 52 year old woman. As I read the Bible, I find that a woman's purpose is to study quietly, to keep house, support her husband in the background and raise children. Well, I was never asked to be married, do not have children, cannot have children and have taught bible in mixed company (contrary to Paul's instructions in 2 Tim 2:15). I have had many surgeries for fibroids and an angioplasty to remove a blockage from my heart artery. I have not been obedient to God's will for my life as a woman. I am unforgiven and am being punished for what I have done to my life. I am going to Hell because I cannot be saved through childbirth. There is no plan for me. I am barren and cursed by God. I was a former bank manager who was fired from my job. I lost my parent's home and all of my possessions. I was unable to obtain government assistance because I am single with no children. I was almost homeless and have been without food several times in my life. I have a male friend who has 5 children (he is 66) has 30 grandchildren, retired after 48 years of service at the top of three (3) careers (and retired chairman trustee at church) has a wonderful relationship with God and the pastor and very well off financially. He cuts off my conversation when I express unhappiness with my life. He says I should "get over it- so what if you didn't have children. That's all you think about!" My only sister has never had to live with a man except in marriage, has never had to go to the hospital except to birth her 2 children (she was 38 when her first child was born she is 44 now) and visit the sick and has been promoted thru the church ranks as a missionary. The church knows her and her service and calls on her often. She is quite fulfilled in her calling by Christ. My coworkers do not agree with my lifestyle because most of them are married with children- they cannot understand a 52 yr old woman going back to community college to be a nurse (I am a marginal student who is scheduled to graduate in May with an RN) and currently living with my friend in his house (I could no longer afford my apartment). My life is so hard. I am miserable and unhappy. I am overweight by at least 90 pounds. My friend says my thighs are just too big and turns up his nose every time I eat something. He deserves a pretty, thin woman who has fulfillment and success in life. Prayer no longer works for me because God is no longer listening either. The bible says God loves me, but I don't think He likes me very much.I have made a plan to end it because I have plenty of cold medicine, aspirin and alcohol in the house and I can just take enough of this and go to sleep. Then I might be able to take going to hell if that is what I am designed to do.
Please pray that my death will not be painful. I know that eternity in Hell will be.
ANSWER: Hi Phyllis..
I am SO sorry for the delay in getting back to you, and I feel terrible that you are in so much emotional pain. There is much I need to say to you, and will send on my reply later today. However could you tell me please.. are you in the US? If not, what country are you in? You don't have to tell me what city, although it might be helpful in getting a better idea of your life (ie, some states are more conservative than others, with religion a bigger factor in daily life).. Also.. what is 'mixed company?' (excuse my ignorance there..) mixed gender? or mixed race? One more question.. your 'friend', the one you live with.. is he a live-in boyfriend, or just somebody you live with? I have already decided from the (despicable) remarks he has made about your appearance, that he must be God's gift to woman, with the body of a Greek statue in perfect proportion, or how else would he dare make such a repugnant personal comment about any other person's body? - so.. he's perfect, right? ;-) I hope you don't mind these questions. I'll be back again very soon, as my reply is underway.
Meanwhile PLEASE stay away from that medicine cabinet, because it is NOT your time, and in your heart you already know that, don't you. I promise we will work through this, - I'm going to stay with you until I can help you find your way out of this very dark place you're in right now.
Btw my private email is email@example.com and my phone number is (61)Australia + 404035402. Please text me if you would like me to call you, if you're feeling especially down and need to talk. I am here for you!
[an error occurred while processing this directive]---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hello Rachel,
Thanks for writing back.... Of course I don't mind the questions- it's quite OK. I live in Maryland in the US. City is called Seat Pleasant. I am a native of Washington, DC. My friend and I are both American and Christian. Yes- religion is a big factor in daily life. Mixed company is men and women. Jim is very handsome and a war hero as he has served in Vietnam twice. I wish I could send you a picture- he does not look his age at all. Very much in shape and knows it and secure. Still very sexually desirable as well (no Viagra here!!!). He has retired from the military as a Sergeant Major and the Federal Government after 48 years of service - 20 years with military and 20 years with the Government. He was also on the police force for 10 years. Very successful- married three times (one wife died, one wife cheated on him- so he got divorced and one wife moved in with someone she met on the Internet). He has some insecurities because of this, so has been really cautious with furthering a relationship with me. He is able to move on very quickly as women are still falling all over him at church. I have issues, but I'm pretty faithful to a man whenever I have one. They just don't want to marry me for some reason- that is why I feel like I'm defective. I told you about the plan because I have made one. I'm (almost) in health care, so I know about some stuff that might work. The going to hell thing kind of scares me right now, though... Write soon, Phyllis
I am very sorry to hear of the troubles you are having. Your story really touches my heart and I am going to try to help you as best as I can.
To begin with, while I do not have an extensive amount of knowledge of the Bible, I do know a little bit about it and would like to help you with some doubts you are having.
The Bible does not say that one is saved through childbirth - you are only saved by your faith in Jesus Christ. If you believe that Jesus Christ came to Earth and died on the cross for your sins, then you are already saved. If you have heard (or read) the verse in 1 Timothy 2:15 in regards to childbirth being the way to salvation then take a look at this: http://www.gotquestions.org/saved-childbearing.html
I should also say that not being married (or being single) is NOT a sin or you failing to follow God's will. Whoever told you that was mistaken. You might want to take a look at this for more information: http://www.gotquestions.org/single-Christian.html
As for a woman's role in Christianity and life, you might want to take a look at this article:
Not having children does not mean you are cursed by God or have done something wrong. Your God understands that you have had problems and circumstances that you had no control over. God is love, not condemnation or scorning - God loves all of His children, you are His child, and He will ALWAYS love you. Your God will never leave you, nor forsake you. Here are some more articles and Bible verses that might be helpful to you:
Sometimes you go through trying times to become a stronger (or better) person for your God. Here are some more Bible verses that may comfort you: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Peter+1%3A6-7&version=NIV
You have to try to work on not comparing yourself to your sister or your "friend" (and I will explain why I wrote it in quotes later). Your God's will is not the same for everyone in this life and sometimes what you may think is God's will may not be His will for you. Your God has promised to have only His best interests at heart for you because He loves you and because He cares for you as a father cares for His child. God is not judging you - you are judging yourself and you don't need to do that because you do not deserve to feel bad about yourself and because you are not a bad person.
I would also like to mention that the Bible does NOT blatantly say that people who commit suicide automatically go to Hell. That, I believe, is just a lie made up by other people in the Christian faith to try to scare people but it is not Biblical at all. The only thing that would send one to Hell is rejecting Jesus Christ as their Saviour and dying without being saved - whether or not one dies through suicide has nothing to do with whether or not someone goes to Hell. This link may be useful to you in regards to this subject: http://christianity.about.com/od/whatdoesthebiblesay/a/Bible-Suicide.htm
I think that you are very brave and strong for going back to school to become an RN. That is something to be proud of to do at your age, and you should be happy for yourself for having the strength to go through with this, whereas many other people would not. Your coworkers sound very unsupportive and you have to try to remind yourself that their behavior is THEIR problem, NOT YOURS, and that what you are doing is JUST FINE. I was in my late 30's when I began to study as an RN, and there were quite a few - who, like me, were late going into the profession. I feel strongly that having had life experience gives a nurse the edge when working with the public. I believe we understand people so much better when a little older. Actually, I have a friend whose grandmother was in her fifties when she went back to nursing school. She graduated, became an RN, and worked until her late 70s, at which point she retired. My friend's grandmother had two children and was married but that didn't stop her from going for her goal and I don't think that you should let judgemental coworkers stop you from following yours!
When people are critical it is very often because they feel threatened in some way. My guess is that your co-workers may be jealous of what you are doing and so, to make themselves feel better, they try to put you down - which is not right at all.Perhaps they are stuck in dead-end jobs, and would never have the courage to take a leap toward a different direction, and chance their luck! No, GOOD FOR YOU Phyllis! I take my hat off! :-) It might be wise to be more selective about who you share personal information with. There are negative people around, who do not build you up, they cut you down, and you do not need to feed people who cut you down with information about you trying to better yourself (if that makes sense).
Now, the reason why I wrote the word "friend" in quotes earlier was because this person you are living with does not sound like a friend. A friend is someone who builds you up, not someone who cuts you down; someone who supports you and loves you, not someone who turns their nose up at you and makes smart cracks at you. A friend doesn't talk down to you, they treat you as their equal. You sound depressed, dear, and you really need to be around more supportive people at this moment in time because being around negative, unsupportive people such as your male "friend" does not help you at all. I wonder if there is any way that you could possibly move in with your sister for a little while, at least until you get back on your feet? Do you have any other relatives you could possibly live with for a while or any other friends (not "friends" like the one you are currently staying with, though)? I don't know what your financial situation is like but here are some counseling services (that are free) that you can look at for support: http://www.connectioncare.com/articles/2009/05/free-counseling.htm/
Now, excuse my bluntness, Phyllis, but even though your "friend" claims to have such a good relationship with your God, his actions and words towards you seem to suggest otherwise! God says that those who follow Him possess the Fruits of the (Holy) Spirit, which can be read here: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Galatians+5%3A22-23&version=NIV
Please do not take this too hard, but your "friend" seems to be lacking in many, if not ALL, of the fruits mentioned here!! I am not sure what church he attends, but it seems that having a position of high authority there seems to be more important than genuineness - which I can tell that you have in full! :) Your "friend", on the other hand, claims to have a relationship with God but doesn't even know how to treat his fellow man. Here is a verse that you might find interesting: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+John+4%3A20&version=NIV
(Please note that I am not saying your "friend" hates you - I am just saying that he is not showing love to you and that this is what the Word of God has to say about people like him, that they are liars if they claim to love God, if they claim to have a good relationship with Him, but don't even love - or show love - to their fellow man (or, in your case, woman!)!)
*Note - The above was written before I read what you wrote about your friend. I understand a little more about him now, with what you've told me. He does seem damaged and very guarded. However I do feel strongly that he should not have criticised you physically, and should never put you down, regardless. Abuse is abuse. You deserve better. Perhaps there is hope for him, but you need to set yourself standards by which you live, and never let anybody fall short of those standards. You teach people how to treat you (to quote 'Dr. Phil') :-)
Please do not commit suicide. You have so much to look forward to, such as graduating school and going on to help others and being a positive influence in other people's lives. Your God loves you but sometimes He lets you go through things to be closer to Him and to also grow spiritually in your own life. There is hope, you CAN get help, there ARE people who want to help you and are ready to listen to your story, and you can also help yourself by writing one good thing about yourself every day (e.g., "I am a good college student") and by repeating to yourself in the mirror each day (one time or more time, depending on what you want), "I am a child of God. I am a princess-warrior of God and God loves me. He wants me to succeed, He is always by my side, even when I feel alone. I am a good person and will pass nursing school and go on to do good things. I say all of this in the name of Jesus!"
Now, you don't have to say this EXACTLY the way I wrote it - you can tweak it a bit or take some of it out, etc.
I hope that you know that I care, that many other people care, and that you are not alone in your feelings. Millions, if not, billions, of people have and currently do go through what you are dealing with - but you can survive with your God, with learning how to love yourself, and with learning how to highlight the positive things about yourself.
If you want, you can consider joining an online forum if you cannot see a therapist and you want some more support (it is not a Christian forum, though) or you can check out these Christian services that offer help by phone or online:
Phyllis, I have met some of my closest friends online, and the friendships I've developed with them.. the support that I've both given and recieved is second to none! I would strongly urge you to seek support through an online forum with a focus on living with depression. Not only will you make valuable new friends, you will find yourself in a supportive environment amongst people who *get* you!
I hope that what I have written has been somewhat helpful to you and has helped you to change your mind on going down on a road that you cannot return from. Please take care and don't hesitate to write back if you need more support, okay? I would love to know how you are getting on so drop me a line when you can!