Suicide Prevention/Pregnant, young kids,feel suicidal, don't know what to do?
Hey. I know this may sound horrible of me. but it is how I feel. I just need help. i'm not sure where to turn. I have two young kids, a 4 year old and a 5 year old. and i'm currently pregnant. I had gotten divorced about 9 months ago, was a very hard year for me, and recently lost my job. been feeling very low. not sure what to do. my family and friends are always down grading me on how horrible of a person and mother I am. I love my kids so much. I truly do. but been thinking, maybe every one is right. maybe I am worthless, and maybe my kids are better off with out me as a mother. They got their dad, and his perfect new girlfriend. I'm so conflicted. i'm ashamed to admit, I have been thinking of suicide a lot lately. but thinking of different ways I could do it, looking for high bridges. I don't like thinking this way, but I can't help it. I just feel so worth less, like no one cares. my kids are the only thing that keeps me going. I love them so much. I want what's truly best for them. my son was telling me how much he loved me tonight before he fell asleep, and I felt guilty for even thinking of hurting myself. but I just don't know. I'm not a good mom. I try so hard, but the fact is, i'm not. I don't want to hurt any more. i'm scared and in pain. and i'm not sure how to cope or deal with it. i'm scared I will hurt myself soon, if I don't do something. I don't have any money to get help. I don't know. do you think I am as worthless as I feel I am.
Hi Ashley.. I just wanted to give you my private email address and invite you to drop me a line if and when you need to talk. I am ALWAYS available to chat if you would like to, and am happy to continue to be there for you on an ongoing basis if you would like me to be. My email address is firstname.lastname@example.org I have found some resources and have put them together in an attachment that would be easier to email if you are comfortable emailing.. otherwise let me know and I'll cut and paste to this site for you. Please let me know how you're going Ashley.. I've been thinking about you a lot, and wondering how you're doing. It is such a difficult situation you are in, and you are going to need to continue to be a strong, incredible woman to get through this time. Don't EVER doubt that you aren't a magnificent mother though Ashley.. it is something that is tangible about you, I've no doubt about it. I'm really hoping these resources will help you with that too. Speak soon I hope,
Your letter brings me to tears because your despair is so palpable. I am so very sorry that you're feeling this way, and while reading your words I just wished I could jump through my computer screen to wherever you are so that I could sit face to face with you! If such travel were possible, I would make us both a nice pot of tea, I would give you a great big hug and then sit you down. Then I would turn to face you, grab both your shoulders, look you in the eye and ask "Ashley. What on earth are you thinking?"
You say that people in your life are critical of your parenting, and of you as a person. Without knowing who there people are and their relationship to you, I can tell you that they are very likely to have motives and an agenda behind what they are saying, and that they are not considering your best interests when they are attacking you. I may be way off the mark here, but is it possible that some of their disapproval is linked to your marriage breakdown? As for the opinionated family members.. could it be your ex-husband's family we are talking about? Or perhaps your own mother or father, or even a judgemental sibling who disapproves of your divorce for religious or other reasons.
Whoever these ill-informed, insensitive people are, they are NOT doing right by you if they are doing anything other than offering you unconditional love and support during what is likely to be the single most stressful, difficult, and lonely period of your life! This may sound harsh, but the first thing you need to do is lay down the law with people who are in your life and have been unsupportive and critical of you. You need to let them know that it is not acceptable to you for them to speak to you as they have been, and that if they continue to behave with such disrespect toward you, you will have no choice but to distance yourself from them. Be strong and be direct in communicating this to those people. Perhaps you could write them a letter or email that articulates your feelings in a way they can relate to. I can help you with such a letter if you like, or I can talk through any concerns you have prior to your having a discussion with them. Alternately you can just cease contact now, stop returning any calls, avoid being in their company, and protect yourself whatever it takes and regardless of how 'rude' you feel in doing so.
Next I will address your concerns about your worthiness as a mother. Ashley, the very fact that you are even asking yourself this question tells me you are not only a good mother.. you are an EXCELLENT one! If only more parents would take time to reflect on their parenting and ask them selves 'How am I doing? Could I do better? What should I do differently?.. well, the world would be quite a different place, I'm sure!
Correct me if I've got this wrong, but from your letter I noted the following:
* You've lost your job (not because of your pregnancy I hope?!)
* Your marriage has broken down, resulting in a divorce.. despite the fact that you are pregnant. (May I ask if your husband is the baby's father? I am presuming so, deespite his having already found a girlfriend!)
* You have managed to raise your children to be sensitive, caring, loving individuals. I know this because your son is emotionally attached to you - wanting and needing to express that he loves you! How wonderful is that?! It tells me you are managing, despite all else, to raise emotionally secure children who know they are loved and who love you right back! If you were to take away everything else from this whole big picture and were left with just those things, - you'd be doing great!
Sometimes when things get on top of us and life seems really difficult, it can be hard to stay positive and maintain a clear perspective of your circumstances. You are pregnant - therefore you already have mood swings and hormonal imbalances going on. How frightening it must be at times, when you are thinking about the future, and the challenges that lie ahead for you as a single mother of three young children! It's scary undoubtedly. But you know what Ashley? You WILL get through this, and you'll not only manage - you'll flourish!
The thing that worries me the most is your self doubt, and what seems to be a complete lack of faith in yourself. Do you really think that your prescious children would be better off in this world if the single most important person in their lives were to suddenly just cease to be there? If they were to lose you I can assure you it would change the very fabric of who they are and could have been! (Just as it would have impacted you to lose the most important person in you and to be left with the legacy of knowing that the person you loved and admired most in this world found life too difficult, too painful, and made the decision to end their life. As a role model to your children they look to you to show them the way, show them how to get by in their life, and how to function in this world you brought them into.
Ashley I am going to have to continue this reply to you later on today, but I will send you on what I've written so far, and will add to it later on along with some invaluable info on resources for you. Please know I am going to be here for you for as long as you would like me to, and will continue to work through these problems with you until you feel strong, confident, and capable.. and until you are as certain as I am that you a fantastic mother, and a worthy person! Meanwhile I am sending you a big (((hug))) and my thoughts will be with you.
Speak to you very soon, take care..