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Suicide Prevention/I have no desire to stay, I want to go be with my baby

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In January I had a miscarriage, I didn't know I was pregnant and was on birth control so I just thought it was symptoms from that. I didn't really know what was happening until it happened. Since I've just been so sad, I just lay in bed and cry all day, I've pushed everyone away, my anxiety has gotten to be so much worst, I've started cutting myself again. No body knows what happened and I can't bring myself to talk to anyone about it. Some days I think a lot about killing myself, I've wanted a baby for so long but I'm 26 and I knew having a child at 16 I wouldn't be able to support the child and now I am in a good relationship a and although it would have been a surprise I can support a child now. I feel like I failed my baby and I want to go be with my baby.  I can't see how this will ever get any better as I've been told nothing will bring my baby back but I can't seem to understand, I can't talk about this I tried telling my bf as he was the father but I just started freaking out and couldn't breathe.  I go to work but cry all day while there and my off days I just don't have the energy or want to do anything. I just want to hold my baby in my arms. Shortly after it happened I was asleep and I heard a little boy laugh and from time to time I sti hear it and it's always the same and it makes me want my baby so much more. My want to be with my baby is more than staying here, the days I start looking up ways to kill myself I try to contact the suicide prevention line but they just send me to another group of people and those people send me else where. I just don't know what to do anymore I can't handle this like I thought. I have a physical in August and I've thought a lot about telling my doctor everything but I don't think I can because I'm afraid of what will happen to me.

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angel
angel  
Dear Lucy,
I wish I could give you a big hug and make you a good hot pot of tea!  No wonder you are down sweetheart, you have been through a terrible ordeal.  You've lost a baby that you hadn't even realised was there, hadn't expected, hadn't planned for, yet he grew inside you for a time and you embraced him anyway. Your feelings must be all over the place! Instead of working through this experience and trying to come to terms with it, you're bottling up your emotions and suppressing your need to talk it through, make sense of it all!  Why do you think it is that you can't talk about this with anyone? Are you ashamed? Was there disapproval of your boyfriend?

As for your doctor, this is the one person you can put your trust in without fear of consequences. You're worried that by admitting to suicidal thoughts you will be hospitalised against your wishes, is that right? You really needn't fear that happening, because your doctor will understand that by telling him or her what's been going on for you, you are actually seeking help. Your doctor will see this as a good thing, because it shows you want to live. The only way that you could be hospitalised against your will is if you admitted to the doctor that you were planning to kill yourself. Admitting to having contemplated suicide, even to having researched it, is not grounds for forcing treatment. The danger must be current, not past. Your doctor has a duty of care to you, and there are strict confidentiality laws in place, so you never need fear that what you discuss will go any further.  What can your doctor do for you? Plenty. You might need a check to see if the miscarraige has upset your hormone balance - a major cause of depression in women after chlidbirth or miscarraige. (The hormones that cause postpartum depression are the same ones that cause the blues after the loss of a pregnancy.)  

It's possible you could benefit from a short course of antidepressants. Sometimes a traumatic life event like this can cause changes in the chemicals in the brain, such as loss of serotonin. Often these chemicals won't right themselves without medication. Your doctor can talk with you about whether this is something you might benefit from.

One thing is certain.. you are most definitely suffering depression, and you need to bear in mind that the thoughts of harming yourself are caused by the depression. It can be difficult to try to think past those dark thoughts.

I don't know what your beliefs are, but many people who experience the loss of an unborn child have reported experiences like yours. I've had a unique experience myself, so I'm not going to say hearing your baby crying was your imagination!  Many people believe that if a child is meant to be born to you, it will be. It is a comforting thought that an unborn child's spirit will stay around until the time is right for it to be born to that particular mother. I think this is what I believe too. :-)  I don't wish to offend you, however if there is any truth in that idea then perhaps you really need to stick around and be the healthy, happy mother your baby needs!


If you would like to talk some more please email me at future-breeze@live.com.au. I would be happy to listen to whatever you would like to say, and help you to vent your emotions and talk through everything you're feeling.  Sometimes it helps just to talk, after the loss of a child. It's a way of validating that baby. I think you will come though this ordeal stronger for what you've endured, and in
in a better, stronger state to be a mother to the child you're one day meant to have.

Take care, and I hope we will speak again soon Lucy. :-)

xRachel  

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Rachel Hurst

Expertise

All questions sent to me will receive a warm and caring response. I'll do my utmost to address a persons particular problem, but in most cases will also attempt to supply that individual with additional resources which might be of further benefit. There are many helpful online support groups where readers can benefit from the ongoing support of others who have suffered similar problems. These groups offer invaluable peer support from others who have 'been there'. As well as responding to your initial letter, I'll attempt to provide ongoing encouragement when this is needed. Advice will be focused on addressing the writers individual needs, and providing related information and resources. I would try to ensure that any person seeking advice has accurate and up-to-date information on the signs and symptoms of depression, and importantly, is made aware that help is available through many different avenues. Where I feel that it's relative and helpful I would mention my own life experiences with depression and coping with a loved one's suicide (however, only in context.) I would be on the lookout for warning signs that the person is in crisis and may require immediate intervention. As such I would arm myself with as much information as possible in order to refer them to the help they need. In cases where I believed the persons life to be in imminent danger I would contact authorities in their area, or if unknown, I would call the emergency services in my area in order for the person to be located through tracking.

Experience

I am by no means a trained professional. My knowledge comes mainly through life experience, having endured the devastating loss of my best friend through suicide, as well as my own subsequent battle with depression following his death. I found that my own experience of losing a loved one to suicide put me in a strong position to help others, due to my ability to empathize (as opposed to sympathizing). I became knowledgeable on the topic of grief, and the extensive repertoire of depressive illnesses, signs, symptoms, and treatment options available to people in crisis.

Organizations
S.O.L.O.S. Survivors of Loved Ones Suicide - Active member since 2003.

Publications
'Marie Claire' Australian, 'Cleo' (Australian), Online discussion forums (in which my submissions have stimulated discussion and generated much feedback).

Education/Credentials
I am a professional writer. I was trained in journalism. Please see my profile in Linked In. http://au.linkedin.com/pub/rachel-hurst/41/178/165 I have studied related subjects during training as a registered nurse. Both of my parents are mental health professionals. However most of reading widely and life experience has been my greatest teacher.

Past/Present Clients
I have helped a number of individuals who have sought my take on a particular problem, or whom I have felt concern for, for various reasons.

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