AboutLynne Luckett Expertise I can answer questions about surviving suicide, about losing a family member to suicide and how to heal the hole that is left behind by a loved one committing suicide.
Experience My father committed suicide when I was 8 years old. It took me 13 years to even start dealing with his death but once the healing started it was truly an educational experience. I know now that he is with me all the time and though his physical self is no longer here, his spirtual self lives on in me and my son. I'm now 49 and have talked to several people about losing a loved one to suicide and have received some positive feedback about my advice. I am a medical transcripitionist and have been in the medical field for 20+ years. I feel I survived my dad's death to have the understanding to be able to help others. I love to help others.
Expert: Lynne Luckett Date: 1/28/2007 Subject: 26 years later
Question I hate my brother for committing suicide 26 years ago. I was 17 and he was 20. He never left a note. My last words to him were cruel and I have never forgiven myself. I now have three kids and I hate him for what he has missed, the fact he never left a note, was so selfish, and leaves me to take care of so much. I often hear people say if they had five minutes with someone they loved, they'd say this or that. If I had five minutes with David, I'd blast him. The pain I've lived with is so intense. I thought I had so many friends, but at 17, I learned the truth about friends and it wasn't pretty. I've been very successful, but hardly anyone knows of my past. If I get close enough to someone, they don't seem to care when I tell them, then I wonder why they don't care. I wish I could just put away this part of my life and forget it ever existed. Ironically, I"m a nurse, have quite a few suicidal patients and want to tell them how selfish they are!! Many have young children. I'm far from the happiest person, but can't dream of attempting suicide and leaving my kids. The pain they would have to deal with, could be far worse than what I deal with. I want to forget about this part of my life. Is it possible?
Answer Oh my dear Lisa! I feel your pain through your words and it reminds me of how much I hurt after my dad shot himself. You're right, it IS selfish. But stop for a minute and think about your brother's pain. In my opinion what happens is a person who is so deeply troubled that they are thinking about suicide are standing on a fine line between staying in this world and being in pain and leaving the pain behind no matter who gets hurt. Once they cross that fine line, there is really nothing anyone can do or say to stop them from taking their life. And that IS selfish because that life is God given and should never be taken for granted.
I think your anger, my friend, comes from guilt. Because your last words to your brother were cruel, I suspect you think you are partly responsible. Chances are very good Lisa that his mind was already made up. You have nothing to feel guilty about so let go of the anger and start healing.
You say if you had five minute with David you'd blast him. It is my belief that you have the rest of your life to blast him so blast away. I really think he's watching over you and taking care of you perhaps in a way that he couldn't in this life.
Another one of those fine lines is the one between love and hate. You have to really care about someone to hate them. I can feel your profound sadness at the waste of his life. That's where the anger comes in and if you're angry at someone it's much easier to hate them.
You are in a position now to do a lot of good for people but not until you can heal some. So, here's what I suggest (and I remind you that this comes from nothing but experience. I am NOT a professional and have had counseling myself): Start a dialogue with your brother and if you are a person of faith talk to God and ask Him to show you the way to peace. You should also seek some professional help. A good counselor will help steer you in the right direction.
I don't think it's that nobody cares to listen about your past. Many people are uncomfortable and at a loss for words when you tell them you lost someone to suicide.
I don't think you will ever forget but you do need to forgive and put away the anger and hatred.
I hope this doesn't sound too weird for you Lisa but I had an experience with my dad a long time ago. I was crying and lost and angry and sad and I just wanted someone to take away my pain. I cried out in a prayer "God please help me. Show me that things will be okay". It was a very hot August night and the window was open. All of a sudden a breeze blew in and I got real cold and a white flash went before my eyes. The very next sensation I had was tremendous peace! I really believe that if you start that dialogue with David you will be on your way to peace. If you are afraid people will think you've gone off the deep end, then start a written journal telling him everything you would tell him if he stood in front of you. Then one day, I can't tell you when, you will hear someone laugh like him or you'll see someone out of the corner of your eye that will look like him or someone will say something that only he would say and I believe you will know then that David's spiritual self is with you forever. You will never have his personal self to hug and kiss and yell at but his spirit remains with you forever. And it's okay to talk to him and yell at him cos then you're healing.
Well, I hope you don't regret asking me for help and I hope I made at least a little sense. This is the first time in a long time that someone has come to me in as much pain as I was 23+ years ago.
Don't hesitate to write to me again if you need to and if you can please keep me posted how you are doing.
I'll be praying for you. Please know that God loves you and so do I.
