AboutLynne Luckett Expertise I can answer questions about surviving suicide, about losing a family member to suicide and how to heal the hole that is left behind by a loved one committing suicide.
Experience My father committed suicide when I was 8 years old. It took me 13 years to even start dealing with his death but once the healing started it was truly an educational experience. I know now that he is with me all the time and though his physical self is no longer here, his spirtual self lives on in me and my son. I'm now 49 and have talked to several people about losing a loved one to suicide and have received some positive feedback about my advice. I am a medical transcripitionist and have been in the medical field for 20+ years. I feel I survived my dad's death to have the understanding to be able to help others. I love to help others.
Expert: Lynne Luckett Date: 5/28/2007 Subject: Losing a loved one..
Question Hello Lynne,
This is going to be long and most likely boring.
I don't know where to begin to be perfectly honest. I've wanted to talk about how I feel for a very long time somewhere online as I go through some harsh moments of depression and look at how others feel on such websites as this.
I read your profile and I thought you would be the best person for me to talk to. Please understand it's hard for me to get how I feel off my chest, especially presenting it in text... I find that even harder when I'm not thinking logically.
I lost my father in 2005 due to suicide. I loved him so much; we had a very tight, close bond. It was two years this April 15th and it still hurts as much as it did the day I found out; I just think I've learnt to hide it well from myself and others. I'm crying right now just from writing this, but I rarely cry. I only ever cry when I'm full of alcohol and having an emotional vent to someone often regretting it the next day when I'm sober. Sometimes I even feel so sorry for myself, I go on you tube and look up sad tributes to cry... which is lame and pathetic, but it feels good.
I'll try to construct this to have a point as much as I can... or I might just end up venting and hoping your guidance could direct me somewhere to seek help. My parents divorced when I was 6 and I was continuously thrown back and forth between my mother and father. Dad had bipolar and I spent most of my childhood looking after him during the times he was 'off the rails'. Memories of being only 7 and having the police take him away for things he was wrongly accused of still come to mind now and than. I don't feel I ever showed my father the love I felt for him but people tell me he would have known. He used to say to me as a joke the only times I'd ever hug and kiss him were when I was pissed, which is kinda true... I seem to wear my heart on my sleeve more when I'm drinking. Long story short, I had a great relationship with my dad. He was an absolute legend, a hard working farmer, born and bred on the land like myself. The community loved him and he was just the most caring and genuine bloke you'd ever meet. In 2005 I got a little distant with him because he was heavily depressed and wasn't appearing to be making a steady recovery. He's always been far away when I lived with my mother, mum.. who is a beautiful woman mind you, moved further and further before stopping a few hours car drive from his residents over the course of 10 years. Calling him on the phone become a chore, it wasn't enjoyable, and I found it hard to talk to such a depressed, lifeless man on the phone who was always so in your face and full of life. He'd never gotten this bad, he always maintained his quirky charm even when in a bad state. Dad was in a bad way and I was too gutless to keep calling him and letting him know someone was there for him. He was crying out for help inside and his only son wouldn't call him because he couldn't bear to choke back on tears missing the silly sense of humored father he grew up with.
Two weeks later I get a call that he took his own life. I'm sitting in the car going down to a party for the night and when I hung up that phone; I couldn't cry. I felt like someone just punched me straight in the stomach. I didn't even blink, apparently I went white, but I felt like I'd been hit by a train. Mind you after a carton that night I let it out, and did some things I regret which got me in the trouble by the law.
I spent the next 6 months in school not giving a fuck about anything. No one bothered me, everyone knew what I was going through and in a way it felt good. My own friend who'd never met my father cried the next day back at school when she comforted me in the schoolyard looking down. The sympathy felt good, but at the same time I didn't want it but I did? I was angry, I still am, but every second of the day I was waiting for someone to slip up so I could kick the crap out of them. I think I felt like that to make myself feel better, and I did it a lot, starting fights when drunk and making a mess of people that really didn’t deserve it. Pushing good friends away, and than having them come back and it wasn’t until the last month of school I eventually began to calm down to an extent. I got a tattoo for my father, it's cross and its on my forearm. RIP DAD with the dates it says, and I look at it every day thinking how he'll never be back. I just miss him, and wish that I could bring him back. I blame myself, which is immature and selfish because this isn't about me but I can't seem to help it. When I drink I trip out on my tattoo thinking how it’s there for the rest of my life and this is how I’ll show him I loved him.
It's been two years and I still feel this way. When will these feelings go away? I'm angry I haven't been able to visit his grave. I've driven hours to see his grave on two occasions and I haven't been able to find it the cemetery is so vast and its always been on a weekend when no one is around to tell you where they'd be. I'm angry the bottle seems to drown my emotions until they build up and come out through violence or self punishment.
I'm turning 20 this year, and even with my loving and supporting mother and step father which have been there every step of the way I can't bring myself to seeking help for how I feel. I'm depressed on and off, but I don't have bipolar. I've checked if I have bipolar and I don't although I swear my rapid change of emotions is so whack I should have it. I moved out of home in Jan to get my life together after spending years drinking and doing nothing with myself and now having money problems. My depression seems to affect my work, my friendships, my relationships, my mentality. Nothing ever seems to just work. I’ve been in a full time job for the last 6 weeks and every week I look for a little excuse to quit and throw it all in the wind but I rethink and realize this is what I’ve spent so long waiting for, this is my big chance and I need to stick it through… It’s just money problems, rent issues, housemates that don’t understand, it’s all doing my head in. I don’t have rent money for this week and I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Coming from a country town and now living in the big city I’ve dabbled in the female scene quite a bit. I seem to get attached too quickly; something heats up way too fast and then is over in a month or so. I meet the most stunning, beautiful girls and think to myself I’m the luckiest man ever and everything is great for about a month before it just seemingly ends out of no where. I cannot seem to find a girl that hasn’t got issues, and like mum says, you attract what you feel. If I don’t love myself, how can I possible find someone to loves me?
Upon all of this and the suppressed emotions of childhood scaring I haven't expressed in this letter I'm battling a two year court case for dads estate. My step mother is trying to take everything, I mean everything; things that were not left for her. This weighs me down a lot, and if it wasn't for her basically giving my dad the noose I wouldn't be in this state of mind right now.
I know this letter has been rantful and most likely lacks a point but I just need some sort of second opinion, anything. I cannot cope, and I'm afraid I'll eventually follow his footsteps sooner or later. I understand my drinking is a problem, but at least I’m not doing drugs. Wait, there’s another one of my excuses. Every Friday night when I cut loose on the bottle and wake up regretting things I think to myself, “Never again, I need to slow down or stop before I hurt someone bad or myself… “ but that sure does change over the course of the next few days.
Appreciate you reading, and I look forward to your response. Take care.
- Anonymous
Answer Hello friend!
I read with great interest what you wrote. I see so much of myself in your cry for help. I, too, turned to alcohol to try to ease the pain of losing my dad. I was younger than you, though, when he made his choice and I didn't have many of the fond memories that you have to cherish. You are searching very hard for peace and I'm not sure I can help you but I will certainly give it my best effort. All I can do is make suggestions and let you know what has happened to me as a result of some choices I have made.
As I said, my dad died when I was 8 and I didn't start really dealing with his death until I was 21 (legal drinking age). In the meantime, we lived with my maternal grandmother who hated me and threw me out of the house every chance she got. One night I remembered hearing her tell my dad that he wasn't a man, couldn't even support his family. That was about a week before he took his life. So I understand what you say when your stepmother gave your dad the noose. My grandmother loaded the gun. It is a very, very difficult thing to forgive and I went through a lot of pain and a very moving answer to a prayer before I was capable of forgiving her, my dad and myself.
The questions persist....what could I have done to save him? Could I have loved him more? What did I do to make him so unhappy that he couldn't live here anymore? And the answer is the same. Once a person makes that decision to act on feelings of hopelessness and despair there is very little anyone can do to change things. There is a fine line one crosses over and once the line is crossed it's just a matter of time. Hence, the time just before his death when he wasn't his happy go lucky self, I believe, was the time when the choice was made and nothing you or anyone would have tried would have changed it. Now, that is my belief and it is based on years of studying myself and circumstances surrounding my dad's death. Please remember that I am NOT a professional. I am just someone like you, who has been through the struggle and come out the other side a whole, loving and forgiving person.
One night in August, a very hot and humid night, I had reached the end of my journey. I was lying in bed in my dark room. I had the window open and there was just a slight breeze. I had previously taken a few Tylenol, Midol anything I could find (fortunately no one here was on anything very strong) and washed it down with some alcohol. Now, understand that I was in what I call a passive suicide mode. That means that rather than being a deliberate attempt i.e. gun, slash wrists etc. I was drinking and driving fast and taking pills with alcohol to just stop the hurt. I really don't want to imply that I survived a massive overdose of drugs because that just does not happen but what I didn't think of was that my body could have overreacted to the pills and even that smaller dose could have been enough to kill me. Does that make sense? I hope so, because I don't want to mislead anyone who might read this. I'll say it again....you DO NOT survive a drug overdose without medical attention.
Anyway, while I was laying there waiting for something to happen I began crying and talking (not realizing I was praying). Now I actually had just become agnostic after realizing there was something up there but not accepting that it was God. Before that I was atheist. As I prayed I said "Please help me. I don't want to do this anymore. Dad, please let me know what to do." The next thing I knew, there was a breeze, a white light flashed across the room, I got very cold and then.....peace. I was sobbing and I was at peace. I knew right then that my dad was with me, had been with me all along and would be with me for the rest of my life. A few days later I had a vision of my dad and he was seated beside God. Then I knew that God had welcomed my dad into His Kingdom and that Dad would watch over me until time for us to meet again. That was 29 years ago and even though life has certainly had its ups and downs I have never felt alone.....lonely yes, but never alone.
My point to this, my friend, is that whenever things are down, look up! Talk to your dad. He's probably trying to get through to you which is why you decided to write to me. He HAS left you physically but he will NEVER leave you spiritually. You may not have any proof as dramatic as what I had but somehow he's going to let you know he's around. You will hear a total stranger laugh like he did or use a phrase that only he used. Or you will smell something that will remind you of him. Somehow he's going to let you know that he's okay, he's not in pain anymore and now he can watch over you from a much better place. And you'll see him again but not until it's time. Don't rush things, there is a lot for you to do before you go.
I hope this has helped even a little. Please let me hear from you and how you are doing and don't hesitate to contact me again if you need to.
