AboutLynne Luckett Expertise I can answer questions about surviving suicide, about losing a family member to suicide and how to heal the hole that is left behind by a loved one committing suicide.
Experience My father committed suicide when I was 8 years old. It took me 13 years to even start dealing with his death but once the healing started it was truly an educational experience. I know now that he is with me all the time and though his physical self is no longer here, his spirtual self lives on in me and my son. I'm now 49 and have talked to several people about losing a loved one to suicide and have received some positive feedback about my advice. I am a medical transcripitionist and have been in the medical field for 20+ years. I feel I survived my dad's death to have the understanding to be able to help others. I love to help others.
Question Hi Lynne, last tuesday i came home from work and found my mum, she had taken weedkiller and ratbait and was dead. she committed suicide. its been a week and everthing has changed. I hve 2 sisters and a good dad - I am 31 my sisters are 25 & 28. Dad had been with mum for 43 years in a happy loving marriage. Mum was a binge drinker and would go into states about 2 times a year where she would just close herself in a room and drink. in the last few weeks she was different, one binge but then even sober she would just stay in bed. i was angry and said awful stuff about how her drinking affected our childhood - but thats all I knew how to do - use mean words and yell at her or ignore her. I feel so so guilty, she tried to approach me on the subject (before she would just deny or not talk about it), and I just yelled at her to get councilling and not talk to me about it as I was the child affected by it when I was little. i feel like she finally reached out to me and I just pushed her away.She had an awful father who used to beat her and probably abuse her, but she didn't really speak to us. When she wasn't drinking she was the best mum in the world, cleaning, gardening and so happy! she did everything for us kids, and was a wonderful wife to dad. how do we go on? this pain/shock/grief is just sitting in us - I worry that I will turn out like her? did she hate me? did me pushing her away make her take that horrible poison? she didn't leave a note or anything. I am so worried about dad, he is not a talker.
Lynne please help if you can,
Answer My Dear Fiona:
I will try my very best to help you. I feel your pain through your words. Your mum had so very many demons inside of her that she simply could not cope any longer. Do I think you will turn out like her? The chances of that are slim because you are capable of realizing the part of her you do not want to become. Did she hate you? No, I'm convinced she did not hate you. I'm not sure she liked herself very much but she did not hate someone who she gave life to and nurtured to the very best of her ability. Did you pushing her away make her take that poison? NO! She did that all by herself. It was nothing you, or your sisters or your dad did. Suicide is a very selfish act. Once the decision was made to forfeit this amazing gift that God had blessed her with, the responsibility rested solely with her. I do believe, though, that once she made the decision she was completely at peace for maybe the first time in a long time. My dad didn't leave a note either and that is very difficult to live with. The only consolation I can give you in regard to that is at least you had your mom long enough to understand she was fighting demons. At least you and your sisters were not children of 8 who have no memories to hold onto.
Your dad needs to know, repeatedly, that you are with him and do not blame him in any way nor should he blame himself for what your mother did.
You are correct when you talk about pain/shock/grief. There is a multitude of emotions that are involved with suicide. Don't forget guilt, probably the most prominent one.
I am a firm believer that those who have passed on to the other side will come back to us in some way to let us know that everything will be okay. It may be in a subtle way by sound or smell (you'll hear your mom's voice or smell one of her favorite perfumes) or it may be very dramatic where, like me, you actually feel her spirit touch you. However she chooses to let you know that the demons are finally at rest, dear Fiona, once that happens you will know peace. And even though the pain will never go away, it will diminish through time.
Bottom line, dear Fiona and family, love each other and yourselves and thank God each day for this life that he has blessed you with. Your mom is watching over you and her demons are gone.... she is at peace.
I hope this has helped in some way and don't hesitate to contact me again if you need to.
God bless
Lynne
