AboutLynne Luckett Expertise I can answer questions about surviving suicide, about losing a family member to suicide and how to heal the hole that is left behind by a loved one committing suicide.
Experience My father committed suicide when I was 8 years old. It took me 13 years to even start dealing with his death but once the healing started it was truly an educational experience. I know now that he is with me all the time and though his physical self is no longer here, his spirtual self lives on in me and my son. I'm now 49 and have talked to several people about losing a loved one to suicide and have received some positive feedback about my advice. I am a medical transcripitionist and have been in the medical field for 20+ years. I feel I survived my dad's death to have the understanding to be able to help others. I love to help others.
Question QUESTION: I have a friend that attepted suicde and is know crippled with a broken back and leg We were very good friends and considered each other family. I called her mom 2 times in 20 days, the first call to get an update on her condition which was not good upon being admitted to the ICU her mother said Janet was "combative and wild and was not listening to the doctors and there was a problem with her health proxy on the paperwork her ex-husbands name was crossed out and her sisters name was put in so they would not except it and then they refused to do her surgery. Why would they not give her the sergury she needed and if a limb that needs surgery is not worked on doesn't it the have to be amputated? I aclled Janet's mom 1 more time because I had been calling the ICU periodically to check on Janet's progrss even though I knew they were just going to say she was stable and thats all they could say because I am not family. Well when I called the ICU the last time they said she was no longer ther and I thought Janet may be dead. But when i called her mom I spoke to her about five minutes and she said that her daughter was the same and she was still in the same hospital. then the next thing I know I get a call from the sherrifs dept. it seems janet's mom said I was harassing her. I tex janet basically wishing her well and telling her that my wife and I were pulling for her as well as my kids and asked why her mom was treating me like the enemy. My answer on my phone was "please leave me alone" why would she say that? was that Janet or her mom? then I get A HATE LETTER from Janet's mom stating that it was my fault she jumped because I called her that night but the truth is she called me but I was asleep.she also stated her proxy issue was my fault as well. and because i aclled the ICU a few times it stopped her operation how is that? All that dont matter, I just want to know how Janet feels and can we still be friends be friends how do I reconnect with her she has no cell anymore but is ina nursing home, and hoew do I do it without hurting her further. Any ideas?
ANSWER: Hi Lenny,
I had a friend who I heard one morning had shot himself. I heard he was in a certain hospital and when I called I was told he "wasn't there". Off and on all day I tried calling and was always told the same thing. And I work in the medical field and really knew that I wouldn't get any information since I wasn't family. Oddly enough, with the new HIPPA laws (Health Information Privacy and Portability Act) if a patient says they don't want even their family to know they are there, that hospital by law has to honor that. So if the family calls, that patient is "not there". I can guarantee that if her family,even without the legal paperwork (but the patient is awake and making her own decisions) they would do the same thing. A hospital should always weigh on the side of caution and no information is better than too much information. Also, the hospital will not accept any document for health care proxy that has been altered. The best idea if changes are to be made is to make a new document declaring the old document null and void. Hospitals are in a very precarious situation wanting to please the patient and family and also do the right thing.
As for the surgery issue, legally (and I would think this would apply anywhere) a physician has to perform life threatening surgery whether he has consent or not. If Janet was not able to give her own consent, they cannot legally accept consent for a non life threatening surgery from her sister because the document was altered. I can see their point but legally they are not going to let Janet lose a limb because of a piece of paper.
As for Janet and her family, it sounds to me like you just need to back away for awhile. When Janet is better then maybe she will want to reestablish contact with you. Her mother is searching for someone other than her daughter to blame because as parents we just don't want to think our children are unhappy enough to no longer want to live. Suicide is a horrible, horrible thing to do to a family. The guilt and anger and guilt over being angry, feelings of failure "what could I have done differently", sorrow, worry in Janet's case about her health and well being, all of these things are stressors and what we all go through following the death (or attempted death) of a loved one or friend. Her mother is lashing out at you simply because you are handy. I would leave them alone and hope that Janet will get some good counseling during her rehab and be able to rid herself of the demons that made her feel like she wanted to commit suicide.
"Please leave me alone". Janet said that because a) it's what she wants and b) she is most likely feeling ashamed about what she did and that she is putting her family through all of this. She is in pain for sure and not just from her injuries. She is hurting from what she has done. Time, as they say, heals all wounds. And God will heal the rest. So, in the meantime, pray for her but put her in a back corner of your mind. Let her heal. Cherish your family, hug your kids and tell your wife how much she means to you and be thankful for the friendship you had. Janet needs to heal and hopefully she will get the help she needs to do that.
I hope this has helped even a little. Feel free to contact me again if you have any more questions.
God bless and I'll be praying.
Sincerely,
Lynne
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I have composed a letter and was planning to send it to the nursing home where Janet is should I send it? or is that the wrong thing to do? Also ever since Janet's mom..(Joan) sent me the hate letter I find myself crying most of the time over this even though I know in my head that she is blaming me I feel this overwhelming sense of guilt and sorrow all my other friends have read the letter and they say I'm crazy for feeling like I do and Joan is out of her mind. Am I somehow to blame for all of this, Did I somehow make the situation worse by trying to be a friend. Joan called me a stalker... that hurt a lot but; what if I am the thing I most despise. I think of Janet going through her pain all alone and it breaks my heart. How do I go on without someone I love like family,someone that I would take a bullet for. Is the way I am feeling normal,I shy away from making new friends because I am afraid of this all happening again. I want to be happy again but I don't know how and if something good happens in my life I feel guilty cause I think immediately how much Janet and her family have suffered. Well, am I nuts or what?
ANSWER: Lenny!
No, you're not nuts! But, my friend, you've lost sight of the major players in your life.....your wife and kids! They ARE your family and Janet made this choice and is, unfortunately, suffering the consequences of her actions. Now, that may sound a bit harsh and I apologize if I come across that way but it is reality. Right now, Janet has a very open wound that has to be allowed to heal. And you are spending so much time spinning your wheels about something that, honestly, you can't fix right now that you, I fear, are in danger of losing what is really important. When you took a vow and married your wife you became as one and, while the union should allow room for friends, there is not enough room for Janet to "live" there! I would advise you, difficult as it may be, to NOT send that letter right now. Rather, put it away and let Janet heal. Work on strengthening the bond between you and your family and when Janet is ready you will be ready too. Don't run the risk committing "marital suicide". I know you are hurting. All I can tell you is, again, Janet made her own choices to do what she did. The burden of guilt is not yours to carry my friend.
Also, you need to look at it from a legal standpoint. If her mother thinks you are stalking her daughter, even though it's not true, she could take legal action against you and I don't think you would want that. Don't let it get to that stage. Just let things go for now. Janet knows you are her friend and just as she chose to attempt suicide, she will choose to come to you when she is ready.
Hope this helps and I hope it doesn't come across as mean. It's not my intention.
Sincerely,
Lynne
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Lynne thanks so much for your help you have made it it a little better for me and don't worry my wife and I have been married for 17 years and she knows I love her and and my love never goes unsaid and certainly will never go undone I am a Christian and love the Lord with all my heart and I know He is with me as well as He is with Janet. I guess it is what I always knew she is in God's hands I jut miss her a lot. You see a couple of years ago my wife and I had a child that was born very early in fact he weighed only 1 pound 5 ounces at birth. We named him William. My wife dropped out of college and I became William's night nurse and mu wife became his day nurse and we had other nurses help us as well William finally came home. 6 months after he came home and one weeek after his second birthday we buried him. Janet was very happy about William's birth but was dealing with her own 21 year old marriage to a very selfish man who was unfaithful and drug dependant. They were always in debt and her husband Paul bitched about money all the time which he needed to pay for his habit. Janet has Lupus so she was sick periodically and she also had an inoperable brain tumor and she was not expected to live much longer. This is the main reason for wanting to reconnect with her. But she was told that all her life according to the doctors she was not supposed to make it to the age 16 but she was 42 when I met her. She would confide in me about everything. She knew I would never judge her and I understood her illness. Paul always said she could work and that she was faking but he was never told about the tumor because she felt he would not care anyway. She was in a coma for three days and he never came to see her. When she told me this she cried in my arms. While William was alive in the hospital or at home Janet never came to see him she was too busy trying to save her failing marriage. I understood this but always called once in a while just to let her know of my love and support. I tried to let her know that even though you feel like you are in a deep pit, always know the HE is deeper still. She was there for me as well, when William died she came to his funeral paid her respects, also she helped us move into our new home and gave my wife a hutch and a dining room table that her and her dad made with their own two hands. After William's death she got a divorce and she started drinking more then ever she said it was due to pain from her illness and that may be true but I know most of it was low self esteem due to failed marriages ; being somewhat distant with her son and having to live in her parent's home and starved for love and affection. She was very unprepared for life as a single woman in this day and age. She was also concerned that her being over 40 would make her less successful and she constantly changed her mind at what she wanted from a man saying that what she wanted was a real relationship but mostly settled for sexual encounters with men thinking that was all she could get. She even started to dress suggestively to find a man. Then she found one. The wrong one. They went out for a few months but when I met the guy my "Radar" was going nuts but I just dismissed it. Then I get a call on my cell. Dave raped and sodomized her. Sex that started out consensual turned ugly. She told only me and her sister. She never reported it. And made me keep it quite. Even when the pig kept calling her. She would yell at him but he kept trying to hook up with her. It took me and a friend to get him to leave her alone. But it seemed in being there for Janet helped me deal with the loss of my son. Now I no longer have that. I miss her and so do my kids, they mention her all the time. Janet envied my relationship with my wife Jill and loved my kids like her own, she seemed to come alive when she visited us. Joan always seemed to have a problem with our friendship. She felt that a man and a woman could not be friends and if they were close then they must be having sex. It was not an affair and it would never be even though one night when she had a few beers over at our home my wife did not want her to drive for fear of a DWI Janet spent the night in our spare room. She got a little drunk and made comments about how lucky Jill was to have me and what a good husband and father I was. Suddenly she kissed me passionately and said if Jill was ever out of the picture I could have her. She later said it was the beer talking. A couple days later I talked to her about the kiss and she said she did have feelings for me and they were genuine but she told me she respected my marriage and she did not want the kiss to end our friendship or my marriage and would not come between Jill and I and that the kiss "just Happened" I told Janet I was flattered but I am devoted to Jill and the kids and I am not one to fool around or cheat. She respected that and asked that I not tell Jill because she felt guilty and cared for Jill and loved her like a sister and did not want Jill to hate her. I agreed. I should have known that she was going to do something like this though because in hindsight our last conversations got dark; very very dark. Anyway I know you are right and I feel much better and I know now I am not at fault. Thanks for being there and if you need me to return the favor let me know.
Answer Lenny
What a sad, sad story. Poor Janet! I understand more now the pain that you are going through but I still believe that backing away is the thing to do. Give it time and trust in God to heal things. There is a song by a very favorite singer of mine, David Phelps, that is called "God Will Take Care of You". You might be able to find it on You Tube. The lyrics go:
You don’t say a word, but I know you’re so afraid
Trying hard to take a step of faith.
You’re so confused and you’re so alone
Standing face to face with the unknown.
Every need you have God already knows about it.
Still He longs to hear from you.
I believe if you put your trust in Him
That is where the road of faith begins.
(Chorus)
'Cause if His eye is on the sparrow when it comes to me and you
There is no place He won't go
And nothing He won't do.
Like a mother cradles a child
His grace covers us somehow.
So whatever you go through
God will take care of you.
Change is never easy; it’s just part of living.
There’s so much more that we can see.
A higher place so far above it all
Is ours when we’re faithful to His call.
(Bridge)
We don’t know.
We don’t have to understand.
The how’s, the why’s, the when’s
Give it all to Him.
The song is so hauntingly beautiful and touches me. He will take care of it all and His little angel William is so welcome and loved and waiting for you when the time comes. He will provide a way to get your friendship back....in His time.
I hope my advice is right, it's coming from my heart. Take care and let me know how things are going. You can e-mail me at luckyme5315@alltel.net if you want.
