Tarot Card Readings/Looking for insight
Im going through such a change in my life...like a transition where all that I was is suddenly mundane and unsatisfying. I've made changes in order to try and be more true to myself and figure out who I really am. These changes have caused some turmoil in my relationships including my marriage which was probably already on shaky ground. I feel like I need appreciation that I don't get...or somehow I need to feel valuable by someone. Anyway, new things have taken place in my life and I think I'm just becoming even more confused about what I should be doing. I feel like the things I'm doing now are things I should have been doing all along instead of pretending to be someone else because that's what I thought others wanted from me. But it's almost like I'm finding myself again but the real me doesn't belong where she is. I feel like I made so many mistakes and wasted so much time and I don't want to waste anymore but I don't want to act too hastily either. I'm just trying to figure out what is going on with me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Think you.
Right off the bat, I feel you need to know that you are not alone. What you describe in your message is common - if not universal - to people making wonderful, spiritual progress. An example from history is television...color TV is way more advanced, more energetic, more progressed than an old black and white set from the 50s. Once you've grown into high def, what does analog hold for you?
It is a sad, sometimes hurtful part of spiritual growth...when you grow you risk losing everything - but you also risk gaining everything and more. Almost all of us have lost friends or family because of our changing values and growing maturity. They are just on a different path, and the paths diverge so far that they just aren't even within shouting distance of each other any more. For you that process seems to be extra high volume, since it involves a marriage. That sense of loss is so large, and so painful for some people they turn back, regress to old, less serviceable ways just out of fear or loneliness. The good news is that as old relationships drift away, that opens up room in your life for new people, who are more uplifting, more empowering - better for you, and by the same token - you are better for them.
You are probably right on target thinking that the relationship(s) were on shaky ground even before you started your growth process, or at least being more authentic and "out" about what you believe and who you really deep-down ARE. "Out" is a surprisingly good term for the process. I have family in Texas, and I'm from WV - it is a hugely emotional, challenging thing to live "out" as your true and genuine self in parts of the world that thrive on being judgmental and fundamentalist-thinking. I know exactly what you mean about pretending to be someone else. Ripping the mask off is a difficult and painful thing. For me it was coming "out" as a tarot reading secular liberal psychic intuitive when my entire family is a bunch of Southern Baptist deacons and sunday school teachers...believe me I understand what you are going through trying to be someone you are not...If things are as they appear, I respect what you are doing to keep growing in spite of it all. I value you for that. I know for a fact there are many others like us...it is just a matter of finding like-minds. For me, the solution was books and the internet. Read everything you can get your hands on about the things that ARE you...things that interest you and lift you up and support the real you. You're lucky...you have the internet too. Find blogs and groups that connect with your true spirit...there really is something for everybody. The most important thing, with books too, but it goes triple for online...follow your heart. If it seems wrong for you it is. Honor that. If it feels like the best thing since sliced bread, then honor that. It may not be the right thing forever, but it is what you need right now.
What's done is done, everyone makes mistakes. The past is an interesting thing. It exists, it will always be there. The trick is not letting it smother the NOW and corrupt the future. The bad stuff from the past is still there, but you can choose to let it go and do better next time. By the same token, the good things from the past are still there too...you can choose to cherish those times and those people and bring that goodness forward, take it with you. The choice is up to you.
That being said, let's do a daily meditation reading. Let's look laser-focused at one card, and let that give you one focused next-step, one bright light at the end of the tunnel to look at and move toward.
No surprise here: Your card turned up to the "The Heirophant" or "The Pope". This is a major arcana card which speaks to the energy of the changes you are experiencing. It validates this really is important big deal stuff - don't sell yourself and the level of your emotions short. This is a big life lesson in progress, though I suspect in time you'll look back and see it as the beginning of a "sea change", the beginning of something very good.
Whenever this card turns up in a reading it has to do with a persons relationship with "social order" and expectations...what friends and family expect of you. For some, the advice is to learn to listen and work with that...but MORE often it is advice to not let other's expectations dominate your own truth.
Speaking of like minds...I can recommend http://myownminister.com
. I've worked with David with Tarot readings and guest authored on his other blog "The Tarot of Manifestation". It's good stuff. You might find it helpful. The idea of "Be your own minister" and the idea of "keep growing, and you can find community and support" ...both are the advice for you today.
Don't give up. We are lucky to live in a diverse nation with freedom of speech, and Internet access. Keep being your true self...like a glowing candle. Send your true light out, and others of like mind will find you...like a moth finds a light at night, only with much better consequences! Keep being the real you, keep looking for those who value the same things you do, and you will find them too. Be a candle and you will find other candles in the dark, too. You'll light each other's way.
In my experience, being your true self is both the hardest, most heart-wrenching but most rewarding, most beneficial, most empowering, most wonderful thing you can do for yourself - and those you love. Sometimes that love will be returned, sometimes not...but when it isn't, that makes room for new, requited loves and relationships to come - and come when the time is perfectly right for BOTH parties. Hang in there. New friends and support is out there...they might just need a little more time to become the just-right person for you, just like you've worked so hard to become the just - right person for what is to come.
All best wishes to you!