Expert: Suzi Zimmerman - 1/15/2008

Question
QUESTION: I am 19 years old and will be 20 in July. My Dad is very old fashion and does not allow me to wear make up,have a boyfriend, and go out a lot. This is the thing though, he lives in a different country and only comes to visit twice for a month each. Whenever he is here, it is as if everyone has to play an act and no one is allowed to do anything. I mean, I can go to a friends house, but I better be home by 1030! My mom on the other hand is somewhat more lenient. We are closer than I could ever be to my Dad. I still have a curfew however of at least 11pm. She knows that I have a boyfriend and she likes him a lot, as well as my other brothers and sisters. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a 2 years, and we are thinking about moving in together. He has already told his parents, and they seem fine with it! Now it's my turn and I'm scared to death. All i really need is my mom's support..but this needs a lot of reasons and pleading with her..& hopefully she will realize that I am not a teenager and will be an adult. My dad however is another story. I want to tell him on the phone that I am moving out, to prevent any face to face confrontation or violence. He doesn't really officially know about my boyfriend & i being together, however he thinks we only have a "thing" together. I do know that he does not like him  for the fact that he is white..and that i have a boyfriend..no one else seems to have a problem except for my dad who i rarely see..i know that i am going to be 20..and that i can do whatever i want..however i am so afraid to tell my parents..i really want this..and i really want to grow up and go away from my parents rules and control..i think about it all of the time..keeping myself up late at night..would i be doing the right thing moving out when i really want to? and what am i going to do with my parents?

ANSWER: I want to help you.  I need a bit more information first.  Where are you and your dad from?  What kinds of cultural and religious influences are at work here?  What are your goals, and how will you achieve them without your parents' support?  Are you in school? How will you and your boyfriend support yourselves?  Answer these and I'll be able to better help you.  Thanks!!





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QUESTION: My parents are from the Philippines. We aren't a very religious family. My dad probably came to America when he was my age, or rather was on his own at my age. My mom was on her own when she was 16 and first got married at 18. She got a divorce though..but is still together with MY dad. I am my dad's only daughter, and my mom's youngest daughter..My two older sisters had their own place when my oldest sister was 21/23 and my sister was 17/19..My boyfriend and I are still going to attend school. My boyfriend pays for all of his expenses such as school, car payments, etc..so my mom does not really have anything against moving in together before we are married. My dad just thinks I should be 12 forever and he is the only man allowed in my life. I do realy well in school and do not plan at all to NOT go to school anymore. My boyfriend and I both work in the restaurant business..and we figured out all the financial things..we will both serve 4-5 times a week. I know that moving out is not easy and there will be times when it gets really tough..but i am willing to go through these things..because i know that i am bound ot have to go through them...i hope i answered all your questions..because i feel like i'm  stuck.

ANSWER: Thank you for the information.  It will make it easier for me to help you.  My main concern was that I did not want to say or suggest anything that was contrary to a culture or religion I do not fully understand, but that does not seem to be the case.  What happens if you DO wear make-up and your dad finds out?  What would he do if you still lived at home and had a boyfriend?  In other words, what would be the consequences of living a normal 19 year old woman's life while still at home?

Your dad's behavior is not normal - at least not in the culture I am used to, and that is "typical American."  Is this something you would see more typically in his native country?  Are girls in the Philippines typically allowed to wear make-up at your age?  What about dating?

Okay, now the hard stuff.  Sometimes when a father behaves this way toward his daughter, it sends up "red flags" to those around them.  I knew of a father who acted almost identically toward one of his daughters while allowing the others to do as they pleased.  When the girl finally moved away from him, she informed me he has been abusing her since she was 14.  She was your age when she moved out.  I'm not suggesting this is your situation.  I am suggesting that if this is truly his behavior - and not just your perception - it is possessive and territorial.  

A 19 (almost 20) year old should be dating and should be allowed to wear make-up.  She should be living a happy, active life.  She should not feel like she must hide her boyfriend from anyone.  Her family should not have to put on an act - EVER!!

Please have a serious heart to heart talk with your mother and sisters.  As your mother's daughter, she owes you giving you a normal life.  You will never become a grown up in his mind if she does not support you in front of him.  I'd be more comfortable if your sisters were on board, too.  

Lastly, I'm concerned for your safety until I hear back from you that there is no abuse, because you did mention "violence."  If you decide to talk to your father about this, yes, do it over the phone and when he is not in the country.  When he does come to town, only meet with him in public.  Don't tell him where you live (and tell your mom not to tell him).  You have some issues to resolve before that's a good idea.

Please stay in touch.  I know I can't possibly have answered all your questions.  You know where to find me.

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QUESTION: In the Philippines, girls are allowed to wear make-up and date at my age. Honestly, I know girls in the Philippines who act exactly like those here in America, or even wilder. I am not like that, however, and i wish my Dad really knew that i was a really responsible girl and never made bad choices such as drinking or smoking or partying til 3am. If i wore make-up, he would just tell me to take it off. Not nicely, though. If i were to have a boyfriend and still lived at home, he would be very rude and come downstairs to check up every ten minutes, and give my boyfriend & i dirty looks. It just became way too uncomfortable for my boyfriend that he stopped coming over whenevr my dad was here for the month. My dad does not hit me, however it's more like verbal abuse if I were to make him mad. However, if I were to really make him mad i do believe he would get to the point of hitting me. I hate to say this, because i do love my dad, but I feel like everyone is so much happier when he leaves for the philippines. I feel like i AM a 19 year old when he isn't around..But when he does come around..I feel like i'm on lock down..just the other day I got in trouble for being on the computer until 2am watching a movie! I am just really afraid that when i do tell my dad..he'll make me feel really bad about wanting to leave or move out..that i have no choice but to stay..maybe until i'm 40..ugh..i know he has a really strong affect on my mother as well..and she may say NO because of the fear of DRAMA between my DAD. But i am ready to have a heart to heart with my Mom about this once my dad leaves next week..I just wish it just wasn't so hard...

Answer
I'm relieved at your response.  May I suggest writing/organizing your thoughts before you talk to her?  Because you are a grown woman, use logic over emotion, but you also have the right to your feelings, so use those only after you have made your point with facts.  I hope you are able to convince your parents to see that you are a good, trustworthy, responsible woman who needs to be able to live an adult's life in their home.  However, should you need to move out in order to live a normal life, try to preserve as much of your parental relationship as possible, and live very simply.  Remember things like car insurance, medical expenses, books for school, and BIRTH CONTROL!!!  A baby would not help the situation any until you reach your educational goals at least.

Good luck, and stay in touch if you need to!!  I'll be hoping for the best for you, your family, and your boyfriend.