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You are here: Experts > Teens > Teen Advice > Teen Dating Issues > Finding the Right Girl
Expert: Faith
Date: 10/6/2008
Subject: Finding the Right Girl
Question
Hi,
First of all I would like to thank you for this excellent free service. Not a lot of people volunteer like this, and for that I would really like to thank you. It's really great that there are still people who can give you a hand.
Well, here it goes.
I am 22 years old and I am Sophomore in College. After High School graduation I worked as a copywriter for two years and then decided to start college and now, I am only a sophomore. That's not really the point but its just so you get a general idea.
I have never had a girlfriend and I have never been the great womanizer. The sexual encounters I have had have been one night stands, etc, but I have never been able to have a real girlfriend. I don't know why, but i THink it has something to do with the way I think and move through life. I am a very open minded person who loves culture, loves to learn and could be considered "weird" in a vague sense of the word. I like analyzing the world, I enjoy discussing important issues and I pretty much hate superficiality and the mundanness of the world we live in. I pretty much don't like stupid or ignorant people and can't really stand them. And for some reason (perhaps due to a certain sense of inferiority or insecurity) I am very much unable to talk to girls. I get too nervous, I screw up, and many times I feel as though my conversations about culture or my apparent formality makes girls evade me. I dress differently than guys my age. I act differently, I act more mature, I move differently, I think differently, and perhaps it is this difference that has lead me away from girls. For some reason I simply cannot date anyone. Maybe I'm too sophisticated, maybe I'm too snobish, maybe I'm too intense, but the bottom line is that I simply can't have a girlfriend.
I'm in college and I see all these beautiful girls going out with stupid superficial guys and I keep asking myself what the hell is going on. What do those guy have that I don't? I'm smarter, I am more cultured, I am more formal, I am more sophisticated, and yet I am the one who ends up without a girl. It is as if every time I talk to a girl they see me as though I was someone interested to speak with (like a teacher or a good friend), but when the time comes to date or do something within those realms, everything vanishes, they preffer to go out with a different type of guy, and that's simply something I don't understand.
And its not like I don't go out or anything. I go out to nightclubs and parties almost every weekend, I talk to girls at school and every time I try to get something done the girl simply doesn't like me, she likes me as a friend, or she might think I'm too weird or too strage and she dumps me. I've modified my appearance hundreds of times and nothing works.
I don't know whether it is that I look much older (I looked like I'm 26-30, I have a shaved head, have a beard and am pretty pumped up from the gym. I'm 6'5 and weigh 280, and I'm not fat at all. So I'm not an ugly guy, but I just don't understand why girls don't like my. I just don't undertsand. What do you think I should do.
And second, I have another question on an issue that has been bothering me for a long time.
Last semester I met this stunningly beautiful girl who represented everything I have always hated in life. She was the typical blonde superficial cheerleader type who was into the exact opposite of everything I ever was. Yet, despite these differences, we became friends and I, inevitably became infatuated with her. I don't love her, but I really really like her.
She doesn't know I like her, and now, one semester later, we have no classes together so I don't really see her anymore except for the ocassional encounter around campus. The point is I really really like her, but again, she is into guys that are very different from me.
She is into rich yuppies and pretty boys who are superficial and very much unlike me. I want to get her to like me and I want to be her boyfriend. But the problem is she has a boyfriend (its not so serious from what I hear, but its still a boyfriend). I am really desperate about that situation. I dream about her, I wrote her a story, I wrote her a poem and I think about her all the time. But I really cannot get her to like me.
I tell her about what I do, the articles I publish and the gigs I get with my rock band but she doesn't seem to care. I just don't know what to do. I called her a few hours ago just to say hi (I had to make up an excuse to call her - I had to ask her about a certain teacher she had last semester and I have now) and I realized I really want her as my girlfriend. What should I do? BY the way, she's 20 years old.
Thanks a lot for everything,
I really appreciate your advice.
Answer
hi jack,
i wish i could say that there was a secret way to finding that perfect person for you but really, there isn't. my theory is, you can only concentrate on being the perfect person for somebody else. that way, when the time comes that you meet her everything falls into place.
i know that's cheesy but i can tell you right now as someone a little bit older than you and who has gone through the same experience - it gets better. right now, you're at that stage in your life where most people are letting loose and having fun. they don't want serious and they don't something that will tie them down. they want fun and they want quick. not all people of course, but a lot of people. my guess is, people are slightly intimidated by you because they know that you're not that kind of guy. it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you but they just want to have a good time and don't want to deal with anything past a good time. does that make sense?
we can't help who we like and i think that if you like this girl, it may be because you see something special in her. something past the superficial surface. but the problem is, she probably doesn't see it in herself. she's only 20 years old which probably means she hasn't quite figured out that guys like the one she's dating are hardly the kind of guy that will stick around in the long run.
eventually girls learn from their mistakes and look around for someone better than they settled for. that's where you come in. i know it's frustrating not to be the one who's picked now but don't compromise your principles or your character just to be liked. that will come at the right time and with the right person. besides, you wouldn't want to settle for someone less than who makes you happy, right? and i'm sure you wouldn't want someone to do the same with you.
try to have fun by not looking at every new girl you meet as someone you could potentially date. be friendly and have an open mind about everyone who crosses your path. the best relationships are the ones that just come naturally and when you stop trying for one and stop trying to get one, that's when things happen for you.
good luck!
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