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You are here: Experts > Teens > Teen Advice > Teen Dating Issues > Hook up gone sour
Expert: Sandi
Date: 10/2/2008
Subject: Hook up gone sour
Question
Hi
I'm 16, and about a month ago I hooked up with a guy. We were introduced (in the cheesiest, most cliche way possible) in a chat room online via a good friend, and seemingly hit it off. I gave him my number, and he continued to talk to me one on one even once my friend left the chat. The next day, planning to go to the mall anyway, we agreed to meet him during his break at work. This also went well, and afterwards continued to text nonstop, agreeing to meet (and finally admitting that we wanted to hook up) at a musical festival the next day. We did. I knew it would obviously entail making out, maybe feeling up, but he asked me for oral sex and I agreed. I didn't really think about it at all when he asked. Needless to say, it being my first experience with oral sex, I knew little about what to do, gagged, and he stopped me and apologized and said how awful he felt that he'd asked. Afterwards, a few friends saw me and could tell (by my dishevelled hair) that something was up, so I spilled all (huge mistake). For the rest of the day, he hung out with mutual friends and I with another few, and we barely talked. Obviously bothered by this, I began to assume that this was just the way it was, that it was a random hookup, which I semi-expected because he was leaving for college in two weeks or so. However, I IMd him later on and he said he was put off that my friends knew, I explained, and normal conversation resumed. The day after the festival I left for a week long vacation with my family, during which he talked to me every day, several pictures were exchanged, and we had said how we wanted to hook up again once I got home (and before he left for college). The day my flight landed, though, I was greeted with IMs saying that there had been a show where some of my friends (including the same one who introduced us) had gone to another local concert, where he met a friend of a friend (who I've met but don't know personally) and hooked up with her. She later got my number from a friend to apologize, saying she didn't know he and I hooked up, was glad he'd be leaving soon, can't believe he was such a player, etc etc. I didn't blame her, because even if she had known, we weren't friends and she didn't owe me anything. Later I spoke to him as if I knew nothing, but he suggested we just be friendly from then on and not hook up because he really liked me and was getting too attached before leaving. I told him I'd heard about his hook up already and was going to say the same thing for that reason. He said he still really liked me, wanted to be friends, thought I was cute and smart, etc, but I wanted none of it. After a few days I regretted this (stupidly) and texted him saying I wanted to try to be friendly before he left and all I got was "ok good". I also found out the girl he hooked up talked to him well after this incident and was thus lying about thinking him to be a player. This bothered me because she didn't owe me an apology or even an acknowledgement of her hookup, and yet gave me this insincerely. I figure, why bother at all if you don't even mean it? I'm sure there's a tinge of jealousy that she "had" him when I didn't, though, too.
Logically, I know I had no reason to be upset that he hooked up with this girl because we weren't dating and, in retrospect, barely knew each other. However, when talking, he did make statements suggesting that he wasn't hooking up with anyone else and didn't plan to (though not explicitly saying this). If he had just stopped talking to me after hooking up, I would have been upset but at least the line would have been clearly drawn that it was a random hook up and nothing more. But I feel like he mislead me. Not to say I thought a relationship could come of it, because I didn't, but I did think that at the very least the few days he had before he left would be spent with me. Silly and irrational, I know. I'm having a hard time understanding why I was so upset about this. I don't regret what I did with him because (this is incredibly juvenile) it was "experience". But yet it still eats away at me not knowing why he behaved the way he did, and why I was so naive as to not see signs of his being a player earlier on. Tomorrow night he may be visiting from college to (yet another) local concert. I'm nervous about seeing him, and worry that if he approached me for a hook up, I'd be vulnerable enough to do it again. How do I deal with these earlier feelings of rejection/deception? Which was is best to deal with seeing him tomorrow (if he's there)?
Thanks :)
Answer
it sounds like he made it pretty clear in the beginning that he just wanted to "hook up" dont go out with guys that just want to have sex on the first date. get to know them first. they will respect you better for it and you will respect yourself for it too.
sandi
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