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About Suzi Zimmerman
Expertise
I am a teacher and I write books on teen dating, self-esteem, and values. I can answer questions on making healthy choices, self-improvement, liking yourself, relationships and friendships, goal-setting, values, and how to handle making difficult choices.
Experience
Today 1 in 5 sexually active people has HPV (linked to cancer and genital warts) and 1 in 4 has Herpes. 90% of girls who do NOT use condoms become pregnant each year, and AIDS cases are on the rise. Those who do not have sex will not have to deal with these issues, nor will 99% of those who use condoms correctly and consistently. In short, abstain from sex or use condoms - and use them correctly.
Parents of adolescent and teen girls should research Gardasil, a vaccine against many forms of HPV. You may not think your daughter will be sexually active, but this will also offer her certain health protection in the event of rape - or should she become sexually active.
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You are here: Experts > Teens > Teen Advice > Teen Dating Issues > Love or dignity?
Expert: Suzi Zimmerman
Date: 5/12/2008
Subject: Love or dignity?
Question
Hi Suzi,
I think this may be a difficult decision. I'm a girl and I have loved one of my best guy friends for the longest time. He used to love me a lot too, he told me this and everything, but I wasn't ready to start something with him then.
So he fell for one of my other girl friends. And they became boyfriend and girlfriend. But one night he and I were alone together and we kissed. It became really complicated, and he asked me to tell him I loved him so he could leave my girl friend. But then I really cared about this girl friend, I felt terrible about what we had done and I felt I couldn't do that to her. So I didn't tell him.
Months later I was accepted into a college out of the country, and I would leave for the next school year in August. I was scared of saying goodbye and leaving whatever we had full of "ifs". So I told him I loved him (around April). He asked me, in other words, if I would wait for him to get out of his relationship. I told him, also in other words, that I thought I would.
About a month passed, and about a week ago he broke up with his girlfriend. I still love him, and I know he still has feelings for me, we've been spending loads of time together since. I feel really happy and good about myself when I am with him, he makes me laugh and is just, in a way, imperfectly perfect.
I've been having problems with my girl friend, his ex, for reasons unrelated to him. She was really in love with him, and although he really cared about her it was never as much. So I feel like !"#$ for even thinking about getting together with him, but it's not as if me and her are the greatest chums right now. Plus, everyone else would think I'm a terrible person, and I'd have broken that "code" where girls do not go out with their friend's exes.
Thing is, I'm going to college. I'm leaving the country. And if I wanted to spend time with him, the sooner the better.
I just wish we could love each other without hurting anyone else. And in this case, I don't know what's worth more. Love or dignity? Being happy, or respecting other people? help!!
So I confess...
- I helped cheat on one of my girl friends
- I told a guy with a girlfriend I loved him
- and worst of all, I think I might be willing to sacrifice my dignity to be with a guy.
So, I don't know, what's your opinion? am I seriously deranged? Is love better than dignity in this case or viceversa?
Sorry for the long confession. Thank you a lot.
Answer
Andi, thank you for your very personal question. Love OR dignity, that's an interesting way to put it. What about Love AND Dignity? Do you think there is a way to have both? Let's look at what you want out of three three "relationships" you mentioned: Yours with your girlfriend, yours with your crush, and yours with "other people" or your community of peers.
First, the girlfriend. What kind of relationship have you had in the past? Were you close? Had you told her that he confessed his love to you before he ever dated her? Most importantly, what do you want out of this relationship? What do you hope to gain from it that you may take with you 10 or 20 years from now?
Now, the crush. It's sweet that you recognize his imperfections as part of what makes him perfect. That's a sign of a mature kind of love. Do you think this is a lasting love? Is it possible for the two of you to date somewhat "secretively" for a trial period before outing yourselves to his ex? I don't condone secretive dating, but in your case where you feel your dignity is at stake, it might be a way to test the strength of your relationship with him first before risking losing her respect.
Lastly, your peers. Are these people who would really judge you badly, or do you think they would be more understanding? Do they have loyalties to your girlfriend? How much do you care what they think?
Here is what I would suggest.
1. Date secretively for a month or two. This will give the two of you a chance to test your love for strength and it will give the ex time to get over him. I wouldn't tell ANYONE you are dating, not even a best friend.
2. Talk to the girl after you have determined the relationship is lasting. Tell her that the two of you were in love before they got together, but that you weren't in a position to have a relationship. Explain that you didn't mean to fall back in love this time, but it just happened, and you are now confused, because you know it's taboo to date a girl friend's ex. However, this is different, because in a twisted way, he was your ex when he dated her. Ask her to see it from your point of view, and seek her acceptance of the situation. Whether you get it or not, you'll date him, but having her give the "okay" will give you both your love and your dignity.
3. When the two of you do date in public, keep it rather low key at first, which will also give the ex her dignity. It will be important to always "honor" her when someone brings up her name. Say things like, "She's been very sweet about it. She's the best." She'll have no choice but to continue to at least act supportive, and in time, she'll be okay with it.
How will the two of you handle dating when you are out of the country? Would this even be an issue if you kept your dating secretive until then?
Be aware that you may lose a few friends over this. Is he worth it? Do the two of you feel like you can start a new life and become part of a welcoming peer group together? You're young and need that support, but you also sound like you need each other. Just be prepared for reality.
I wish you the best. Good luck, and let me know if there is anything else.
Suzi
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