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About Suzi Zimmerman
Expertise
I am a teacher and I write books on teen dating, self-esteem, and values. I can answer questions on making healthy choices, self-improvement, liking yourself, relationships and friendships, goal-setting, values, and how to handle making difficult choices.
Experience
Today 1 in 5 sexually active people has HPV (linked to cancer and genital warts) and 1 in 4 has Herpes. 90% of girls who do NOT use condoms become pregnant each year, and AIDS cases are on the rise. Those who do not have sex will not have to deal with these issues, nor will 99% of those who use condoms correctly and consistently. In short, abstain from sex or use condoms - and use them correctly.
Parents of adolescent and teen girls should research Gardasil, a vaccine against many forms of HPV. You may not think your daughter will be sexually active, but this will also offer her certain health protection in the event of rape - or should she become sexually active.
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You are here: Experts > Teens > Teen Advice > Teen Dating Issues > Should I Tell Him I Like Him ?
Expert: Suzi Zimmerman
Date: 6/27/2008
Subject: Should I Tell Him I Like Him ?
Question
QUESTION: I really like this guy who's my neighbour, but I'm not sure if he likes me back. I'm 17 & he's 20, but he kind of showed interest a while ago when he asked me & my friend to go round. We didn't go because I am very self conscious and automatically assumed he didn't like me, and therefore would ignore me. He asked me if we would go round another time and i said we would if she comes again, then he asked me if i would go with another friend. But again, I assumed it was another one of my friends he liked, and that he just wanted to get to know her. I know it's confusing but I really like him, but I'm too scared to let him know because we see each other almost everyday! =(
ANSWER: Becky, there's a reason people who assume too much get it wrong so much of the time. And for that same reason, girls who learn to develop their communication skills and their confidence are generally much more successful in life, and especially in dating.
Talk to the guy. What's the worse that can happen? He says he's not interested in you that way, right? BIG DEAL!! You laugh it off as an "oops" moment, and you move on. The great thing is that you get an answer and can act on it one way or another. If you don't talk to him, tell him you like him, you could be missing out on a great opportunity. Okay, rejection might be the worse thing, but there are MANY other things that could possibly happen. He might reject you, but the idea sparks an interest in his head, and before long he's looking at you in a different way. Suddenly he's interested! He could reject you but know a guy who's perfect for you (having previously not realized you were single). He might NOT reject you at all! The beautiful thing about talking is INFORMATION is passed between two people. Questions are answered, and paths are cleared for future use.
Here is some generic information I have in my files on rejection, NOT that it is what you should expect:
Being rejected is of the risks of being a modern woman and having the courage to ask someone out. Still, it hurts. How do you deal with the pain of being rejected? Start by admitting that it hurts, and learn from that experience. Don’t shut down a use it as an excuse to not try. If you do that, you are only adding to the pain. Think of each rejection as taking you one step closer to your goal. Understand the different reasons people would say no and what it says about that person.
Maybe he has a legitimate excuse for not going out with you. Perhaps he already has plans for the evening in question, or he may already be dating someone. If he tells you he can’t go out on a particular night, say, “Well, you have my number. If something changes soon, call me.” If he has your number, he’ll call. If he doesn’t and does not bring up that fact, he’s not interested. If he doesn’t call, don’t wait for him. Focus your attention elsewhere.
He might come right out and say, “I’m sorry, but I’m just not interested in you like that,” that is if he is polite. Whatever you do, do NOT get mad at a guy who tells you the truth (unless he is plainly rude). It can require a great deal of courage to be honest, but it won’t take too many angry girls telling him what a jerk he is before Mr. Courage become Mr. Liar for the sake of protecting his ego. We want guys to be honest, don't we?
One important thing to remember is that you will not make a guy like you any more if you demand to know why he is rejecting you. However, you might make him think twice with a final display of confidence. Let him know that he is making a mistake by not getting to know you better and that it is his loss, but insist that you will be there for him as a friend. Afterward, do not let awkwardness creep into the friendship. Look him in the eye each day and smile genuinely. It is a fabulous way to remind him that you are still interested. At the same time, do not wait for him. Surround yourself with people who want to share their time with you.
The only reason, Becky, that I tell you all this is because fear of rejection is the second most common fear in the world. The most common is fear of speaking in public, and you are, in a way, experiencing both of them. Face your fears and let the experience, regardless the outcome, move you closer to your goals.
Good luck, and let me know how it goes!!
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi, I asked you a question a while ago about a guy i liked who asked me and a friend round to his house and that i didnt dare go and you wanted me to let you know how it's going. Well, the same friend went to his house and told him i liked him and got his number for me (but i didn't know at the time). I went round after her and i thought i would be nervous but I was ok and he was really nice. This was about 3 weeks ago and we text each other quite a lot and we're good friends. I've been to his house again and he was asking me quite a lot of questions about myself but I'm not sure if he likes me back (probably not). He asked me if i wanted to do something sometime and i said yes, so we might be doing something tomorrow. My friends and my mum think he likes me but i don't and that's still to do with my confidence, but it's getting better. I'm a little nervous but i think i'll be ok, he's really nice. Thank you for your advise, it will help me if it turns out he actually doesn't like me in that way and stop me from putting myself down so much.
Answer
Becky, I am so happy to hear you are finding your courage. As for putting yourself down, that's a two-part choice. The first part comes from allowing yourself to think negative thoughts. You have to "argue" with that part of yourself that tells you bad things about yourself. "That boy could never like me," the voice says, so you have to turn right around and argue with the voice. "Of course he could. I'm attractive, I'm nice, I have great friendly qualities, and I deserve to be liked. He shows all the signs of liking me, and as long as I'm myself and believe in my goodness, I'd be a great catch for any lucky guy." That's the first part, having another voice in your head who is louder than and more positive than the one who makes you feel incapable. The second part is NOT SAYING NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF. Simply don't do it. Think of it like a cuss word or saying something bad about your god. In most religions, the faithful are taught that they are a piece of their god, so to knock yourself down is to insult God. Whether you believe that or not, you know it doesn't make you attractive to cut yourself down; it actually serves NO PURPOSE at all, so if you tell yourself you would never dare do it (like smoking, perhaps) because it's so unattractive, you'll stop. It's a habit, so it may need to be broken, but you can do it.
I'm so happy you are on the right track with this boy and with your courage. Good luck, and Thank YOU so much for the update!!
Suzi
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