About Ryan Expertise I can answer questions about long distance relationships, high school/college relationships, crushes, jealousy, heart break, love at a young age, sex at a young age and talking about marriage when you're in your teens. I can also help if your parents dissaprove of your bf/gf. I know all the lingo, I know Facebook, IMing, MySpace, etc., so hearing these words won't be new to me.
Experience I have been through numerous relationships, long distance relationships, and loving ones. I know how to handle every situation in the manner it should be.
Education/Credentials In college for engineering, have taken numerous psychology/sociology classes in college, as well as having a mother who is a psychiatrist.
Question QUESTION: First let me just start off and say that me and this girl are 16 and have been
friends forever. Our families know each other, I'm GREAT friends with one of
her brothers, I'm just good friends with the other, and we have the same
interests.
Almost two months ago I was talking to her and I asked her out. She said yes
and we went on our first date a few weeks later. We were both scared out of
our minds and we didn't even hold hands. After the date I talked to her and
told her that I was apprehensive that night and she agreed and said that she
was too. We go on a date the following week then not for about a month.
First it was finals, then a family trip, then a trip to see her friend.
Now we are in the same summer school class and her friend is here, taking a
different class. When we were talking a while ago she thought that this would
be hard, having her friend here, because we may not be able to find time to
be together. I said that would be fine and these things usually work
themselves out.
A few weeks into the relationship she had a breakdown. She said that she
wasn't sure if she could go out with me, siting numerous reasons, and I
completely talked her down from that. She didn't feel that we would be able
to see each other mainly.
Well yesterday she dropped another bomb on me. She came back Friday and I
didn't see her until Monday during school. We barely talked for two weeks
and we finally had some time Tuesday and she told me this. She said that she
"did not like me in the same way anymore" and "I deserve better in a gf." I
was kind of shocked by this because she knew and knows that I really do like
her. I tried to talk her down from this but it wasn't really working so she sort
of ended it.
Today I could barely look at her. I wasn't able to face her, I was a coward.
When she told me that she said nothing bad, all good. She said that "any girl
would be lucky to have a bf like me" and I told her that I wanted that to be
her but she said that won't work, at least now. I had a few theories and one
of them was that she may have "forgotten" what it is like to be with me since
we didn't talk for two weeks. It's really hard because we have both had
feelings for each other for 5 or 6 years now and her idea of me changed in
the matter of 2 or 3 DAYS, I think that is kind of fishy. I really do not think
she is telling me the whole story. I'm kind of stuck here, I'm out of answers
besides that I want to be with her. She said that a relationship would be
possible but not yet. I'm kind of worried that something is wrong with her
because she never does anything like this, she always gives a reason. This
time she is not really giving me good reasons but just passively telling me
that she does not like me in the same way.
I'm obviously not going to force her to like me I just want to know how I can
show her that we would be good together. I'm going to tell her that I am not
going to bring it up for about a week and then ask her about it again. I'm
going to try to coax her to spend some time alone with me just to remind her
what it is like because I think that she lost that too. She has only seen me in
school and only talked to me for a brief period of time and she thinks all is
lost but I really don't think it is.
Thanks for any help!
David
ANSWER: David,
This happens a lot in relationships, I can relate, I've had to endure it.
It could be that she kind of forgot how it is to be with you after 2 weeks. Time apart with little communication can do that, you two sort of grew apart.
She may also feel that she wants the summer alone, and to spend with friends, and not to be "tied down" by a boyfriend. Girls your age tend to feel this way. Why? Only they know.
By telling you she wants to be with you, but not now is a sign that she needs time apart. She's caught up in school work, and maybe other things, and having a boyfriend might stress her out even more. What I'd do is talk to her, tell her to come clean with all her feelings. Tell her you trust her, but you feel like something else has happened other than just her feelings changing. After that, you need to give her her space. Keep in contact, but not too much, don't act like a boyfriend.
-Ryan
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I did come clean to her, she actually never said that she wanted to be with me
she just said that she didn't like me that same anymore. She said that I could
ask her in a week so I think I am going to do that and then tell her that I'm
actually going to wait until her friend leaves. I gave her these letters that I
had written to her over the course of like 6 months, she had wanted to see
them, and she did say thanks and I couldn't help crying when I was sending
them to her. She is defiantly acting different than she ever has, most notably
avoiding me when I try and talk to her at all. She asked if we were still
friends and I said yes and so far I have kept up my end of the deal and she
hasn't. I do have a feeling that this could have something to do with our
other friend not here because when we all hang out together people don't
really say that me and her are going out, many people have in the past.
Should I ask her to go get some dessert with me or something because she
said that she would help me with anything and I need some help right now
with an unrelated thing? I just want to spend some alone time with her
without making it seem like we're going out so maybe, just maybe, she can
see what it is like to be with me outside of school again. We have not spend
time together, even with friends, outside of school in 3 weeks now and I think
that could be one reason her feelings changed. In your situation(s) like this,
how did you deal with them? It's been really tough for me but I am actually
almost over it, I even told her that.
Answer Hey again, David,
Asking her out for dessert seems like something that is harmless enough, especially since it is about a problem that doesn't involve your relationship. When asking her to hang out, be sure to make it clear that it's a mutual "friend" thing, and not a boyfriend/girlfriend date.
I dealt with them in a lot of ways. I was stressed out, so I went back to my old bad habit, chewing tobacco (something that definitely isn't good, obviously), and started going out with friends more. I tried to spend as much as my free time out, so I wouldn't think about it. I'm a full time autocrosser, and participate in track days with my dad for the Porsche Club on weekends, so my time was filled up for a while. It definitely helps being away from just sitting around, pining away. Talk to your friends, or family, they're enormous supporters in helping out.
