AboutSuzi Zimmerman Expertise I am a teacher and I write books on teen dating, self-esteem, and values. I can answer questions on making healthy choices, self-improvement, liking yourself, relationships and friendships, goal-setting, values, and how to handle making difficult choices.
Experience Today 1 in 5 sexually active people has HPV (linked to cancer and genital warts) and 1 in 4 has Herpes. 90% of girls who do NOT use condoms become pregnant each year, and AIDS cases are on the rise. Those who do not have sex will not have to deal with these issues, nor will 99% of those who use condoms correctly and consistently. In short, abstain from sex or use condoms - and use them correctly.
Parents of adolescent and teen girls should research Gardasil, a vaccine against many forms of HPV. You may not think your daughter will be sexually active, but this will also offer her certain health protection in the event of rape - or should she become sexually active.
Expert: Suzi Zimmerman Date: 6/28/2008 Subject: How do you support your teenager after they have been "date raped"?
Question My daughter (17) is visiting her mother for the summer. She called and left a message saying that she had gone to a party last night with a close friend and the friend's boyfriend. She is a virgin and has not done any drugs. She says this to me and I believe her. Her message said that there were a bunch of guys, that she got a "contact high" from the guys and her friend smoking marijuana and that she ended up in a bed with her friend and boyfriend. Someone told her during the evening that what she was experiencing was a contact high. She advises that the friend's boyfriend fingered her. She is clearly upset about this. I am 2000 miles away across the US from where she is. She does not want her mother to know but was willing to tell me. What do you recommend I do? Should I get a friend of mine to take her to a rape counselor based on the sexual touching. (She says that it is her fault since she invited the two of them in when they dropped her off at her mother's house in at 1 am.) I am afraid she will blame herself for all of the consequences or that she will just blow this off. I am truly lost on how to proceed. Any thoughts? FYI ... she is not due back to me for two weeks, though I am happy to go get her and risk the court action afterward for breaching custody arrangements. Two weeks seems too long to wait to deal with it. And making it worse, she is about to head to Europe to study language before she returns to me, het step mother and half sisters, all of whom she adores. Part of me wants to go get her, part of me wants to keep her from going to Europe to protect her, but all of me wants to make sure she does the right thing that will protect her in the long run. Your thoughts? Thanks. PS -- I may ask some of the other volunteers as well becasuse how I proceed may benefit from a number of opinions.
Answer Russell, your daughter sounds amazingly smart, and your relationship appears to be very open - especially for a father and daughter. Thank you for sharing her story with me.
The fact that she is has chosen to tell you what happened also leads me to think that she will be honest with you about EVERYTHING, so your top priority here is to preserve THAT. Therefore, telling the mother is out of the question, but encouraging the daughter to be a little more up front with her mother isn't. What is it that allows her to talk to you but causes her to fear telling her mom the same story? Furthermore, what is different in your home environment versus her mother's home environment that has allowed for this event after just a short visit? Right now, her mom is your best ally and your daughter's best defense against those who have hurt her. Secrecy between the two of them WILL NOT help your child.
I understand the "contact high" thing; she was surrounded by fumes and even though she didn't smoke, she felt secondary effects. Of course, you also have to consider the possibility that she was drugged, and based on that alone, I would talk to local authorities. This is where things get "iffy." They will want to know the names of everyone present. This could ostracize her from her peers, the innocent ones, so it needs to be her choice while she is struggling to sort through her own accountability. This makes me think a rape counselor could help her organize her thoughts, put her "ducks in a row," and understand her place in all of this. THEN your daughter's thinking will be clearer and SHE can use her maturity to make the best decision for herself.
Russell, she is 17 and almost an adult. She's learning her way in the world, learning to deal with peer pressure and even peer threats, and she's doing an amazing job. She sounds VERY mature and totally honest, and the last thing you want to do is give her a reason to hide things from you. That is why you CANNOT "punish" her by standing in the way of her upcoming trip or cutting this one short; especially don't allow her to "feel" punished for (A) what happened to her and (B) telling you about it. Give her the tools and support she needs to overcome this. Explain what resources are at her disposal (rape counseling, therapy, meditation, prayer, having your friend and daughter meet the boy's parents for a discussion about the incident, even a civil lawsuit or threat thereof, or she could write his parents a letter, plus many more), provide for these financially so she has fewer worries, and encourage her to talk to her mother. After all, it is while in her mother's care that her security is threatened, and the best way to protect her is to ensure Mom knows what the threats are.
In a nutshell, I'd suggest rape counseling and from there they can recommend what to do next. A lot depends on the details of the event, like "did she fight him off" and "did she tell him 'no'" and what happened immediately afterward.
You are right, two weeks is too long to wait, but let her deal with it on that end and you can follow up on your end when she returns.
In the meantime, balance "talking about it" with sensing when she needs to internalize her feelings. Don't push anything, because you have such a beautiful honesty between the two of you; you don't what this event to be the thing that creates secrets.
Good luck, and I'll be here if you need anything else. I wish your daughter health and happiness.
