AboutSuzi Zimmerman Expertise I am a teacher and I write books on teen dating, self-esteem, and values. I can answer questions on making healthy choices, self-improvement, liking yourself, relationships and friendships, goal-setting, values, and how to handle making difficult choices.
Experience Today 1 in 5 sexually active people has HPV (linked to cancer and genital warts) and 1 in 4 has Herpes. 90% of girls who do NOT use condoms become pregnant each year, and AIDS cases are on the rise. Those who do not have sex will not have to deal with these issues, nor will 99% of those who use condoms correctly and consistently. In short, abstain from sex or use condoms - and use them correctly.
Parents of adolescent and teen girls should research Gardasil, a vaccine against many forms of HPV. You may not think your daughter will be sexually active, but this will also offer her certain health protection in the event of rape - or should she become sexually active.
Expert: Suzi Zimmerman Date: 6/27/2008 Subject: teen daughter dating 19 year old
Question My wife and I have just discovered that our "just turned 15 year old" daughter is sending explicit pictures to a man who is 19 years old. They have also exchanged very explicit text messages. Aside from the criminal aspect of this ordeal, how can we handle the situation so as not to create a "Romeo/Juliet" response. I want to meet with the boy's parents since he lives at home with them. And although I am not excusing my daughter's own conduct, he is legally the adult. Please give us some advice.
Answer Hi, Anthony. Thanks for your question.
You are very wise to recognize the potential here for rebellion should you lay down the law. I am also glad to see you have decided to speak to the boy's parents; may I suggest you do this in neutral territory? Meet at a restaurant or somewhere non-threatening where neither feels either an attachment or a sense of discomfort, and make sure both teens come along. They need to be involved in the conversation.
I hope you also recognize that ANYTHING you do to prevent her from seeing or contacting this boy will give her "an excuse" to rebel. Look at the roots of everything that led to them coming together. Just from the little bit you have told me, I would suggest taking away her camera or camera phone; she's endangering herself with it and probably does not yet possess the maturity to have them. Furthermore, I would take away her ability to text message. I believe you can contact the cell provider and turn off texting altogether; if not, get her a phone without texting or a camera or take away her phone.
Obviously the computer is also a source of concern, and if she has one in her bedroom or in a private study, move it to a place where she can be supervised. If she continues to arouse suspicion and fails to be responsible, you can always remove the door from her bedroom.
Okay, that handles all the ways you can punish and protect her, but as you know, she will (A) hate you and (B) find new ways to act out. So balance these with involvement. What interests her? If she likes dance, sign her up for dance classes or a local dance organization. Find ways for her to volunteer her time. The NUMBER ONE way to put kids back on the right path is to help them gain their confidence in healthy activities. She can't be forced into any of this, and it should be HER interests that drive your actions, not YOUR interests. This is often the time when parents rush back to church with their kids. This is almost guaranteed to cause her to rebel against both you and church. Again, I cannot stress how important it is to help HER find HER strengths and explore HER interests.
Right now, your daughter demonstrating her confidence in her own "sexuality." In a way, this is great. Many women don't have this kind of confidence, which causes problems later in life. However, for a "just turned 15" teen to have this type of confidence is a bit disturbing, but it's also more normal than you think. You don't want to frighten her or make her feel dirty. This will rob her of something she needs to keep but to preserve for later in life. Instead, address it (see later) but don't punish it. Try to get her mind onto other, more age appropriate and healthier things while telling her sex between mature lovers is not dirty or shameful. I don't want to pry, but also remember to live this philosophy. She should know you are a sexual being. She should know this about your wife. Sex should be a normal thing amongst adults in her mind.
Please talk to your daughter about sex or have your wife do it. She should be so comfortable discussing the topic, however, that she can come to you with questions as well as her mother. She has proven she is interested and may already be active, so she needs easy-to-use birth control (even if she tells you she's not sexually active, listen to her deeds, not her words) and she should have a supply of condoms. Please vaccinate her against HPV with Gardasil, available at your family doctor. This could one day save her life. I know it's not easy to see your daughter in this way, but by 18, half of all girls are sexually active, and by 20, this has jumped to about 75%. Your daughter should be considered "at risk." Her explicit texting and her immodesty are evidence of that.
There is no safe way to allow these two to see each other to prevent your Romeo and Juliet scenario. Put your foot down and tell her he's off limits in EVERY sense, and explain to him that you have the sex crimes detective on speed dial and will not hesitate to have him arrested if he contacts her again.
In the meantime, take her to a GYN to have her evaluated, and if she's been raped or sexually active with this boy, you have lots of options. I, for one, am NOT a proponent of having the boy arrested if she was willing. However, I am also not opposed to using the law to make threats and get an order of protection, if needed. It's your call as the parents, but please think about this carefully. The law sees no difference between the 35 year olds who prey on teens and the teens who prey on teens. He would be labeled a sex offender just the same, so it's great leverage but not always the fairest choice - IF your daughter pursued him or was willing. You may feel better speaking with someone at the police station while you are trying to decide what to do.
