AboutRyan Expertise I can answer questions about long distance relationships, high school/college relationships, crushes, jealousy, heart break, love at a young age, sex at a young age and talking about marriage when you're in your teens. I can also help if your parents dissaprove of your bf/gf. I know all the lingo, I know Facebook, IMing, MySpace, etc., so hearing these words won't be new to me.
Experience I have been through numerous relationships, long distance relationships, and loving ones. I know how to handle every situation in the manner it should be.
Education/Credentials In college for engineering, have taken numerous psychology/sociology classes in college, as well as having a mother who is a psychiatrist.
Expert: Ryan Date: 7/18/2008 Subject: Older Guy...
Question Hey Ryan, I'm not sure if this got through to you or not the first time. If
you're just really bogged down, I'm sorry for re-posting my question!
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I've always been a very mature girl: responsible, intelligent, and strong-
willed. The reason I start with this is to let you know that I'm not the average
17-year-old girl with feelings for an older guy.
Anyway, I met the man during a college visit. He's 8 years older than me (25
at the moment), and I'm crazy about him. I'm not "in love," but my feelings
for him are stronger than any I've had before. We talked about so many
things during the few days we were together, and I felt as though we truly
connected (though I’m not certain). We didn’t talk about silly, superficial
things, either. However, even though we got along swimmingly, I don’t know
him well enough to be able to “read him.” Don’t get me wrong, I know him as
a PERSON pretty well, but I don’t know how he flirts with girls (for example).
Anyway, my parents think he's awesome, and would be fine if I dated him. I
know the usual issue with younger girls dating older men is that men
consider the girl “easy,” and hope to get laid. Not only is he not that type of
person (he’s actually incredibly decent), but also I'm not the type of girl to fall
for that. The age difference doesn't bother ME, and certainly not my parents
(my mom is trying to set us up!). I just don't know if the age difference
would bother HIM.
I’m an over-thinker and a worrywart, and I try to rationalize everything. I
don’t know exactly how he feels about me, and I want to try and find out. I
just want your opinion on a few things.
1. My first worry is that he sees me more as a child than as a woman. I
imagine myself as that stereotypical little girl with a crush on her older
brother’s friend: I’m crazy about him, but he would find a relationship
ridiculous. Don’t worry; I don’t expect you to know what he’s thinking. I
guess I’m just curious to know what you think --- if you were in his shoes,
would a romantic relationship be completely out of the question? Would it
even cross your mind?
2. If he does have those feelings for me, could he possibly worry about
making a move? Like I said, he’s a truly decent guy, and I wonder if he might
be afraid of creeping me out. That’s probably just wishful thinking on my
part to explain away his lack of swooning (ahha).
3. He lives in Baltimore, I live in Cleveland, and he hardly goes online or
answers the phone. My mom tells me that if he had feelings for me, he would
make a point to get in contact, and I agree with her. What do you think? I
mean, he’s a really busy guy, and he does call me back eventually --- but
even still, he has the means to talk to me if he wanted. By the way, I want to
clarify that I’m not one of those girls that calls everyday, so I doubt his lack of
response is due to annoyance at my “constant barrage” of calls. Also, when
my mom and I were on vacation, we stopped in Baltimore on the way home to
hang out with him for the day. I had to leave a message on his phone asking
if he would want to see us, and he called me back to say yes. He didn’t have
to call if he was annoyed by me or didn’t want to see me, right? Maybe these
are silly questions, but I can be a silly girl.
4. Finally, should I --- and how should I --- tell him my feelings? My mom
and I are trying to get him to come stay with us for a week on his way to
Washington state (he’s backpacking in some parks for a month by himself, so
his schedule is really flexible): she brought it up to him during our visit, and
he said he’d definitely consider staying with us for a bit. If he does come, I
think I want to tell him how I feel, but I don’t know if I should. I have no idea
what he feels for me, and I don’t want to make a fool of myself. I know that
isn’t atypical with professing feelings, but I guess this seems a bit different to
me than the average “tell the guy you like them.” I’m guessing you’ll
probably tell me to go for it --- what do I have to lose, right? --- but I still
want to hear all your thoughts on that. I really don’t want to screw things up,
and I have no idea what to do.
So basically, I’m crazy about this guy that is 8 years my senior, and not only
do I have no idea about his affections, but I worry that he finds me “childish.”
Do you think there’s a chance he COULD have romantic feelings for me, or do
you think it’s pretty unlikely? Also, if he DOES have those feelings, how do
you think he would display them? What should I look for if/when he comes
to visit on his way to Washington? Should I even bother (ahaha)? Bleh. I have
really intense feelings for him, and I just want to do the right thing for the
both of us. I have no idea how older men think, so that’s why I’m here. =]
Answer Carly,
1.) A romantic relationship would cross my mind, as long as I had that deep connection with the other person, so, yes.
2.) He may be worried about the age difference. If you were older, say mid 20s, he may consider it more. He may worry because you are still a minor, and he isn't, in our society that sometimes gets viewed as wrong. He may also not want to deal with the teenage issues. By that I mean, you're a late teen who is probably about ready to enter into college. There are always issues there, especially with a long-distance relationship.
3.) It seems if he was really interested, he would call or return IMs. By agreeing to see you when you were in town may have been a nice gesture, and he didn't want to blow you off.
4.) When he comes to visit, I'd try to get alone time with him. By alone, I mean; going out to eat, maybe a park to take a walk, ice cream, etc. Let him know how you're feeling about him, and ask for his opinion.
Good luck with all of this. I know it's hard, but you have to take a chance, or else you'll never know.
