AboutRyan Expertise I can answer questions about long distance relationships, high school/college relationships, crushes, jealousy, heart break, love at a young age, sex at a young age and talking about marriage when you're in your teens. I can also help if your parents dissaprove of your bf/gf. I know all the lingo, I know Facebook, IMing, MySpace, etc., so hearing these words won't be new to me.
Experience I have been through numerous relationships, long distance relationships, and loving ones. I know how to handle every situation in the manner it should be.
Education/Credentials In college for engineering, have taken numerous psychology/sociology classes in college, as well as having a mother who is a psychiatrist.
Expert: Ryan Date: 7/28/2008 Subject: Slight Problem
Question There is a possibility that I will be through this even by the time that you respond... but I could certainly use a second opinion even so.
I am seventeen, give or take a month or so, and she's sixteen. She thinks she's ugly. I think she's beautiful, as do many other guys. She thinks she's stupid... and so on. (her parents tell her she's fat, ugly, stupid, selfish... she's not just saying it to get complements. She believes them)
Oh, where to begin... I met her a couple years ago, and haven't gone with anyone since. Pitiful really. Took her a while to realize I was interested (I was shy, she wasn't looking). We became best friends and then boyfriend-girlfriend. We got serious. We promised to marry one another. (she is famous for keeping her promises, by the way) We eventually went a bit too far...(at around six monthes of going out)... not sex, but close enough.
She then started to back off some, soon after. She was afraid that we'd go too far and have sex... and she had realized that she was putting me too high on her list of priorities (Me, God, Her, rather than God, Me, Her, apparently). So she started to withdraw, showing less and less affection when we were together. She was trying to get back into a correct relationship with God, but failing, and she assumed that I was the problem. So she tried to... distance herself temporarily.
During her early backing off we were at FishFest (music, food...) and I foolishly introduced her to a guy I knew, a guy I'll call Jack... just because.
He was gay. Wanted to get surgery and become a girl. I didn't exactly think he'd get a crush on her. But he did. The next thing I know, he's pledging to her that he's going straight, that she's what did it, that he loves her...
But I didn't know about that till later.
Soon he's going to her house every now and again - (Her parents like him, and don't like me)... and then he started telling his friends that she'd broken up with me and was going out with him.
I first heard about it from a mutual friend, txting to offer her condolences that I'd been dumped...
I called my girlfriend and told her what my friend had told me, telling her I didn't believe it but what was going on?
She got upset that I didn't trust her, and stopped talking to me.
Slightly later she cooled off, and talked to me some more. She said she was sorry, that the rumors weren't true, but that she did actually like him some. A crush, as opposed to her deeper feelings for me, though she didn't say that. (remember, at this time she was pulling away and I'd not seen any demonstration of her love for some time)
I... was kinda crushed. She liked him?!?!?!?
(I probably wouldn't have taken it so hard if it wasn't for the fact that I really can't see myself getting a crush on anyone anymore...)
I shouldn't have taken it to heart so much, but it hurt, and she hadn't felt the need to tell me she loved me still... she thought it was understood.
I moped for a couple days, and I kept getting newer and more interesting rumors from my friend... who was just tryin to help.
My girlfriend eventually figured out what was going on through a bout of emails... (her parents took her cell away, making communication sporadic at best)
and told me it was okay... she didn't even like Jack anymore! AND that she'd forgotten to really tell me that though she liked him (he's cute, ect.) she loved me, and there was a great difference in her eyes.
SO we started planning to, you know, fix it.
There was a very traumatic Sunday pool party, where she told me about backing away to try to get back to God, that it hadn't worked... that she wasn't gonna do that anymore... we agreed to stop at kissing and get back to God together...
And Jack still spread rumors. Right after that sunday I got the newest installment "She broke up with you sunday because you're too clingy, and she's been secretly going out with him since tuesday."
I talked to him about it,(I restrained from beating his face in... I'm bigger, it wouldn't be nice) and he said he'd only said it because, as far as he knew, it was true... she's broken up with me, and he'd been going out with her. But, he assured me, they weren't now... they were now just friends.
Then I talked to her, and she said that he was confused, she had said we "weren't" breaking up, and... ah, you need more background!
Her parents don't want her getting serious. Period. So after we'd been going out for about seven monthes they told her she had to start dating other guys. She knew that if she did she'd be a slut, so she decided to fake going out with a couple guy friends. They'd both know what was going on, and it would get her parents off of my back. She decided on Jack... her parents liked him, rememember, and she told him that it was just to fool her parents.
He didn't get it. He actually thought they were going out.
All straightened out, right?
Mostly?
Anyway, now I've got to deal with seeing him every week or so,... without getting mad at him.
I forgive her totally.
I have trouble fogiving him... even a (formerly?) gay guy should know how treacherous it is to try to break up someone and his girlfriend...
Anyway, she says she'll kick him where it hurts if he ever tries anything, I'll believe her.
It's all gonna be back to normal... but I have to figure out what to do about him...
Oh, and her parents hate me now, because he ratted to them that I grabbed her butt.(at the pool party)
(Believe it or not, it was part of one of those inside jokes people have... I wasn't actually grabbing to be nasty)
So her phone is still taken away, and she's grounded from the internet.
Lucky thing school starts so soon...
Her parents don't want her to hang out with me, and have no trust in either of us now...
(By the way, I've failed to mention that if her parents found out he is/was gay, they'd not let her speak to him again... I could have used that, but didn't.)
(none of this would be quite so horrific and soap-opera-ish if it werent for the fact that she's my first... at everything except hugging and holding hands...)
Anyway, I hope this isn't too horrible, and I hope I gave you enough background. The information is scattered around, not all in the correct order probably, but I hope it's tolerable and coherent.
Oh, and I didn't run this through spellcheck, because it took too long to load through my dialup, so... I hope it's spelled right!
Thank you in advance!
Answer Jonathan,
You took the more mature route, and handled things very well. In relationships, we sometimes think others are "cute", etc. We're human, it's inevitable, and there's nothing we can do about it. She seems trustworthy, as she still loves you, and admitted she had a small "crush", but wouldn't do anything about it.
As for the other guy, try your hardest to let it go. I know you have in a way, but when you see him, walk by him, and act like it doesn't phase you. It'll show you are still the bigger man.
The whole phone/internet ban is kind of a bummer, though. Try other ways to see each other. Maybe during the day when her parents aren't home. Maybe even try to meet up somewhere like a mall, or movies, and have her pretend she's with her friends. Things will get better, and hang in there.
