AboutSuzi Zimmerman Expertise I am a teacher and I write books on teen dating, self-esteem, and values. I can answer questions on making healthy choices, self-improvement, liking yourself, relationships and friendships, goal-setting, values, and how to handle making difficult choices.
Experience Today 1 in 5 sexually active people has HPV (linked to cancer and genital warts) and 1 in 4 has Herpes. 90% of girls who do NOT use condoms become pregnant each year, and AIDS cases are on the rise. Those who do not have sex will not have to deal with these issues, nor will 99% of those who use condoms correctly and consistently. In short, abstain from sex or use condoms - and use them correctly.
Parents of adolescent and teen girls should research Gardasil, a vaccine against many forms of HPV. You may not think your daughter will be sexually active, but this will also offer her certain health protection in the event of rape - or should she become sexually active.
Question So I don't know what to do. I'm 17 years old and I'm going out with a guy that is a little older than me but that's not the problem. The problem is that he was in a relationship for i don't now how long but the deal is that they were going to get marry but his ex left him and now she is marry with someone else. Many people that really now him has told me that he really really loved this girl, he even began drinking more than what he use to just because she left him. I really like him and I feel that he doesn't. He still thinks about his ex and I heard that she still calls him even though she lives far from where he lives it bothers me a lot. His sister told me that he said that he would never love another girl like he loved his ex and that all girls are the same. On his MySpace he has videos about how they cant live without that person and that they miss them. Many people tell me that he still loves and thinks about the other girl. I cant help but to feel like crap i mean does he really love me it kills me to think that he is comparing me to his ex. My biggest mistake was to saying yes to being his girlfriend without even knowing each other well. He doesn't know that I know about his ex I don't if to bring it back to him and ask him if he still loves her or thinks about her. I mean that was a very difficult time to him and i dont want to bring that up. I'm afraid that he would get mad at me and tell me that its none of my business. I once asked him if he really saw me as his girlfriend and he said yeah he said that he likes me but he doesn't call or text message me. When he sees me on the streets he just passes by and i think he is embarrassed of me even if he says no. We've being going out for 4 months now and he always leaves me hanging every time he tells me to go to the movies with him. Recently we got into an argument and i told him why he doesn't treat me like if i was his girlfriend he said i don't know what's wrong with me. He said i think i don't know how to love. I told him that I'm not like the other girls that i care about him. P.S.everytime he hears a song about love and you know songs that are about how they miss someone and that they will never find someone that would love them like that person did he just gets like lost in his thoughts. He gets all quiet and like space out. Please help I don't know what to do should i keep going out with him or not?
Answer Marina, the relationship you describe between your guy and you is NOT what I would consider a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It's not all his fault; some of the blame is yours, and here's why:
First, you know all this information about his ex, but you don't talk to him about it. For one, this is disloyal. You are talking with others about his business (and yours, as well; I'll explain later), but you don't ever talk to him about it. Your loyalty should be to him. If you aren't going to talk to him about it - you've really got no business allowing others to talk to you about it.
On that same subject, when two people care for each other, they talk about things together - FUN things, NOT-SO-FUN things, PLEASANT things, HURTFUL things, things that make you PROUD, and things that EMBARRASS you or make you feel SHAME. It's communicating, and healthy couples do it. You may think you are protecting him by not talking to him about it, but you aren't. You are allowing a lot of negative things to continue: allowing yourself to believe he has feelings for an ex (when he may not), enabling him (possibly) to still love this girl when he's with you, enabling him to (possibly) keep secrets from you, and so on. Nothing good is coming of this situation where he has this whole life you don't discuss.
Next, it IS you business, and if he tells you it isn't, he's selfish. If he has feelings for another girl when he's supposed to have those feelings ONLY for you, how can that NOT BE YOUR BUSINESS? Sure, you don't need to know everything they did or said, but what you need to know is the state of his feelings for her today.
Now here's my biggest problem with the relationship: We tell people how they can treat us. If a guy hits us and we don't walk away, we're saying "hit me anytime, and we'll stay together." If a guy ignores his girlfriend on the street and the girl acts like it's no big deal, she's saying "Treat me with disrespect; I'll still be here for you." If a guy tells a girl he's taking her to the movies and stands her up and she stays with him, he'll do it again and again. You can't just say it upsets you. You have to make it hurt HIM somehow or he'll do it again. Often that means telling him you need some time off.
Marina, you have to have some backbone. In other words, stand up for yourself. This guy isn't there for you in the letter you wrote to me. If there is something there, I'm not seeing it. He's liking something about you, but he's not buying the whole package, and that and ONLY THAT is what you deserve. If he can't brag about you to his friends, he's a loser, and you deserve to be the queen of some guy's world!!
You asked my opinion, and I say BREAK UP and find a guy who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
