AboutSuzi Zimmerman Expertise I am a teacher and I write books on teen dating, self-esteem, and values. I can answer questions on making healthy choices, self-improvement, liking yourself, relationships and friendships, goal-setting, values, and how to handle making difficult choices.
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Question Hi, i was looking for a place where i could share my problems and get expert advice and found this great place. Hope u could help me in my problem. We haven't even held hands or hugged. Here goes.
I am 18 this year and i have started dating this girl for 1month whom i had a crush on for quite a long time. We are in the same school and in the same course of study in a polytechnic and had juz started school this few days but problems arise so early. We started when i confessed to her on via text message on handphones and she agreed to give the relationship a try. But on the second day after we went home from a school event, she texted me the next day asking if we could just be very close friends instead. i didnt want to give her any pressure so i agreed and weeks into the holidays, we start getting closer and closer and i knew we were not just close friends now. However, whenever i asked her out for a date, she would reject unless there were friends coming along. We had quite a few outings but every outing there would be my best friend tagging along, which makes me unable to initiate. She told me that she doesn't like holding hands, mushy stuff. She often asked me to be more initiative but i just couldn't find the chance to do so. We were quite honest to each other and she often tells me her problems at home and i find myself a good listener.
School started and more problems arise. In school, i often followed her around tagged along with our friends(we shared the same friends)and everyone knew our relationship together even her parents and mine so there is was like nothing to hide. I tried to be there beside her helping her out in where ever i could but she often ignores me and sometimes i felt i was treated worse than my friends. I made lunch boxes for lunch everyday for her and myself and i found it sweet. When we were not together we often message each other after school and i felt she still cares for me. But she changes so much in school. She chats with me in school but i felt it wasn't as much compared to friends. Whenever she needs help in her schoolwork or help in admin stuff, i will try to make myself available but she would choose one of her friends to help her instead.
I am really not sure if she really likes me a not. I really liked her and wanted to be by her side and watch over her. Could u help me in what step i should take to strengthen our relationship together and help our relationship get another step forward. Really need your advice thx.
Answer Kelvin, thank you for sharing with me.
It sounds an awful lot like your girl is "guarded." She's sending out signals that she wants to be loved by you, but she's mixing those with signals that she doesn't need you. This could be from a number of causes:
1. It may be how the important women in her life have taught her to act - either to keep her from being dependent or because they, themselves, suffered through difficult relationships.
2. It could be the result of your girlfriend having gone through a really tough relationship herself.
3. She might not have any confidence in her ability to show affection or love. She might need stronger guidance from you - a tiny bit of pressure.
4. It could be that she cares too much about "appearances" and somehow has it in her head that she has to appear to the the one in charge around her peers.
Regardless, it isn't right how she is treating you. She deserves to be treated in a manner that is comfortable to HER, but you, Kelvin, have a right to also be treated in a way that makes you feel fulfilled and appreciated. IF THOSE TWO MANNERS OF TREATMENT DO NOT ALIGN, THERE IS A CHANCE THE TWO OF YOU CANNOT BE TOGETHER. Neither of you should ever compromise comfort. At the same time, what you are asking for is a normal level of affection; what she is willing to give is NOT. If she is not willing to meet you a bit more toward the middle of "normal," it may be time to break it off. You cannot continue to allow her aloofness to make you feel ignored or mistreated.
Talk to her in person (NOT by text or email). Explain that you care for her, gave her time to adjust, and tried things her way all this time. Now you are asking her to trust you and meet you a little bit more toward your idea of affection. Start slow. Insist on holding her hand just a moment or two around friends. This will help you gauge her reaction. After she's become comfortable holding hands a little more, then sneak away from friends for one minute, then two, then three. By taking tiny baby steps toward "normal," you are both still getting your way, but you are also both putting trust in the other to become closer.
If she refuses to make any compromises at all, you will have to put your foot down and make her realize that YOU do not choose to be treated that way. Break it off. We teach people how to treat us, and by allowing anyone to continually treat us in a way we don't like, we are "accepting" that type of treatment. If she won't try to meet you in the middle, move on.
