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About Suzi Zimmerman
Expertise
I am a teacher and I write books on teen dating, self-esteem, and values. I can answer questions on making healthy choices, self-improvement, liking yourself, relationships and friendships, goal-setting, values, and how to handle making difficult choices.

Experience
Today 1 in 5 sexually active people has HPV (linked to cancer and genital warts) and 1 in 4 has Herpes. 90% of girls who do NOT use condoms become pregnant each year, and AIDS cases are on the rise. Those who do not have sex will not have to deal with these issues, nor will 99% of those who use condoms correctly and consistently. In short, abstain from sex or use condoms - and use them correctly. Parents of adolescent and teen girls should research Gardasil, a vaccine against many forms of HPV. You may not think your daughter will be sexually active, but this will also offer her certain health protection in the event of rape - or should she become sexually active.

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Teen Dating Issues - unrequited love

Expert: Suzi Zimmerman - 10/20/2009

Question
QUESTION: (I am 17 she's 16) Because I loved a friend of mine and she didn't tell me that she only wanted to be friends with me so I fell in love her but when I asked a friend of ours to see if maybe she loved me and was shy about it she said that she didn't feel the same way (and she never told me this maybe cause she thought she was protecting me by not telling me the truth) and recently we did start talking again but we keep on arguing and last saturday during homecoming I got kinda jealous seeing her dancing with another guy and I was and am thinking where did I go wrong. I am also stuck between trying to convince her into giving me a chance and just be friends

ANSWER: Hi, Kyle. Thank you for your question.

First, don't use your friends to talk to anyone ever about love. If a girl is important enough to you, find the courage to talk to her yourself. From her point of view, it was "just a message." She didn't feel special, because it was just someone telling her how you felt. If it had been YOU telling her, asking if she felt the same, there might have been some chemistry. She might have sensed your nervousness and probably would have been honored that you were brave enough to overcome your fears to try to win her over. There's a really good chance that, even if she didn't care for you ahead of time, your very presence might have somehow invoked feelings, sparked a romance, but you didn't give it a chance. You sent a messenger.

A girl doesn't owe you telling you ahead of time her intentions are not romantic - not unless you ask. I'm confused why you say "she never told me this maybe cause she thought she was protecting me..." Had you made it clear earlier that you were pursuing a romance with her? A person won't say "no" unless you ask a yes or no question. So again, don't expect her to answer you unless you have the courage to ask a clear question first - YOURSELF (not by sending a friend to do the scary job).

The best way to convince her to "give you a chance", Kyle, IS to just be friends. The best and most solid romances are built on foundations of sturdy friendships. Show her you can be the kind of guy she could love, but not by trying to change her mind. Do it by being a guy a girl can fall in love with. Be honest, virtuous, caring, involved, generous, lively, fun, loyal, kind, intelligent, and so on. Don't revolve your world around HER, but be there for her. Instead, focus on yourself and being that great guy while still being her friend. Even if she doesn't come around, you've wasted nothing. You've invested in yourself, and that's an investment with GREAT RETURN!! It's what makes the most popular guys popular - they are men of character with busy and involved lives.

I hope my answer helps. Good luck!!

Suzi

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: she forced the answer outta me over the phone by saying "do you love me?" and I answered yes. The reason for me not asking her how she felt about me was that she seemed to be trying to hide it from her friends how she really felt about me. I don't know if this means anything but she does have lead poisoning and her parents never really thought her about love and how to act around guys. and what I mean by protecting me I mean that she didn't want to be the "bad guy" and tell me that she only wanted me as a friend, but in reality she was hurting me buy not telling me the truth

Answer
I understand. She wants to be loved, which is probably why she asked, but she doesn't want to love back - not yet. Just be her friend, and if it is meant to be, someday she will remember how loyal you have been to her. I think that, for now, that is your only choice.

Good luck!!

Suzi

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