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About Suzi Zimmerman
Expertise
I am a teacher and I write books on teen dating, self-esteem, and values. I can answer questions on making healthy choices, self-improvement, liking yourself, relationships and friendships, goal-setting, values, and how to handle making difficult choices.

Experience
Today 1 in 5 sexually active people has HPV (linked to cancer and genital warts) and 1 in 4 has Herpes. 90% of girls who do NOT use condoms become pregnant each year, and AIDS cases are on the rise. Those who do not have sex will not have to deal with these issues, nor will 99% of those who use condoms correctly and consistently. In short, abstain from sex or use condoms - and use them correctly. Parents of adolescent and teen girls should research Gardasil, a vaccine against many forms of HPV. You may not think your daughter will be sexually active, but this will also offer her certain health protection in the event of rape - or should she become sexually active.

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Teen Dating Issues - Cake

Expert: Suzi Zimmerman - 11/3/2009

Question
I'm going through a crisis of lust and love. Kind of. I'll explain.

I have a very close guy friend, Dan. I am seventeen, he is eighteen. We became friends about two years ago through our then-significant others, and spent a lot of time on the phone late at night talking. Both those relationships were long term (two years plus) and we were both sexually active within our respective relationships. We talked about our sex lives, asking one another for relationship and sex advice, and generally got out all our relationship frustrations. Because of the conversation topics, we became interested in one another physically and, about a year ago, began joking around about "hey what if we hooked up". It never escalated beyond that, however.

We grew apart for a while due to school ending and general business, and then when my long-term relationship ended this past July, Dan came back into the picture. He was my confidante and was there for me through it all. While his girlfriend was away for a month we became very close and there was a one-time picture exchange (sexting i think is the term). After that, we both decided we had crossed the line and stopped talking for a while.

In this time, I got a new boyfriend, Alex, and have been with him for almost two months now. I care about him and like him a lot, but when I'm not with him he doesn't come to mind that much. I can go whole days without thinking to text him once, and in that time will communicate with Dan and several other friends. Alex are pretty good friends but I feel more invested in the physical side of the relationship than the rest of it. He and I are not sexually active but I have a hard time not fooling around with him whenever we hang out. It's like... when we're together everything is funfunhappyhappytime, but when we're not I don't really care much. I'm a tremendous flirt when I'm not with him, and don't feel wholly commited to the relationship... but deep down I care about him and don't want to lose him. I have said on several occasions that I feel like I want a fuckbuddy more than a relationship. It feels like Alex is what I want, but I'm not quite ready to invest in giving him what he wants yet.

Then Dan's relationship ended about two weeks ago. After he got over it, it became alarmingly clear how attracted he is to me. We discussed it, and it's very clear to both of us that if we were to mess around, it would only be a lust thing. Friends with benefits, if you will, at the most. I want this. I really do. And so does he.

Problem is, my boyfriend. It is very clear to me that I have three options: stay with my boyfriend and not fool around with dan (risking never getting to fool around with dan and staying in a situation where I am not wholly satisfied); cheat on my boyfriend and risk hurting him, souring my reputation, and a lot of guilt; or break up with Alex and live the single life for a while.

I'm so torn over what direction to take. I want to have my cake and eat it too, but I know that isn't fair to anyone. What do you think?

Answer
Jasmin, being "unfaithful" isn't reserved for sex alone. A person is unfaithful the moment they can admit to themselves that they are lusting after someone else. My advice to you is to talk to your current boyfriend about your lack of commitment (don't tell him the whole story; no need at this point). Just explain that you care for him but feel like after two months you should care MORE. Get his viewpoint, too. Maybe the two of you are just together so you don't have to be alone.

That's NOT good. TOO many people stick with partners who aren't right for them because the alternative is to be alone. Then you (and I mean YOU) feel guilty because you have feelings for someone else. I mean, think about it: You are with a guy who is really just a friend (as you describe him to me, that's my POV); if you were alone - which is not a big deal and shows a great courage - you would be free of your guilt and free to be with whomever you choose.

Don't lower your standards to avoid being alone. Let alone be something to be proud of. Alone is your ONLY honest path toward a passionate relationship.

I hope my advice is helpful.

Good luck!!

Suzi

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