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Teen Dating Issues/Is there something more I should be doing to get her back, or is it just up to time and fate now?


QUESTION: Background info:
My ex girlfriend and I dated for around a year from February 010 to Feb 011, back in our freshman/sophomore years of high school. We are both seniors now. She was the one that dumped me.

Things have been super complicated between us since we broke up; We literally blocked and unblocked each other several times depending on when we would have another argument about something. I guess it was mostly because we were both really emotionally immature back then...I realize how incredibly stupid we both were back then, but I guess that's teenagers for you :P.

Around six months ago, right when the school year ended, we had another argument. At that point I truly felt that I was finished with her. I just could not reason with her anymore and I felt like I would never understand what went on inside her ridiculously complex mind, so I told her that I was done associating with her.

I truly expected things to be over between us, since I knew she was NOT the type to apologize, even though I felt like she was way out of line. I tried to make steps to move on, but I realized deep down that I still loved her with a passion despite our differences.

I was getting pretty depressed about my situation when she suddenly emailed me right before school started, around four months ago. She sent a really long explanation/apology email, saying that she wasn't trying to be difficult, she just wasn't sure how she felt about me. She said that she really wanted to be friends again because she felt like she could learn a lot from me.

My initial response was along the lines of "F*CK NO!" but a few days later I went back and accepted her offer. I waited around 2 months and let the friendship slowly build back up/come out of the awkward phase before I decided to tell her my true feelings for her about a month ago. She responded very maturely, saying that she didn't view me as a boyfriend anymore, but she still really wanted to be friends even though I had feelings for her.

Even though she said that she wanted to be friends, I figured that my confession would make our whole "friendship" awkward and it would slowly fall apart. To my surprise, it did not fall apart; it only got stronger. We started hanging out at each others' houses and played video games together. After each of our hang out sessions, I would hug her tightly and tell her how special she is to me. On Christmas Eve I even went out to see a movie with her (just the two of us) before she surprised me with a Christmas gift when we returned home.

My question now is: Specifically, is there something more I could be doing to tip the scales and get her back, or is it just up to time and fate now?

She said a month ago that she didn't see me as a boyfriend, and I see no reason to assume differently unless she says so. Yet when we hang out, I still feel our old chemistry sparking back up, so I feel deep inside that we still have a shot.

ANSWER: Robin, first in regards to her emotional ups and downs: You can blame that on her gender and her age.  During the mid-teens, girls are not truly in control of their emotions.  Because of their hormones, they don't even realize it's happening to them.  They blame everyone else for their emotional state, because they really are confused about what is happening in their bodies and their minds.  That said, not all girls act crazy, so how they choose to deal with those hormones and emotions is choice, and she made some bad ones, so it seems.  

In their later teens, girls' emotional states start to level.  They become more aware of how their highs and lows affect others, and they begin taking more responsibility for their choices (how they deal with their hormonal fluctuations).  It sounds like that is where she is now.

Lastly, she was on an emotional roller coaster, and you joined her for the ride.  You kept coming back despite her ups and downs, and she likely blamed you for the lows and gave you credit for some of the highs.  Now the ride is over, and she sees you differently.  It's time to get off the ride and move on.  You've told her how you feel.  The ball is in her court.  IF she chooses to take another go at the roller coaster, it will probably be a much safer, more grown up ride.  Or it could me more of the "same old" same old.  It's up to you, but my advice is stick with being friends, and use her as the bar other girls must live up to (hopefully exceed).  You are both different today than you were three years ago, so look for a girl who has evolved into the kind of woman to match the kind of man you have become.   

I wish you the best!


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: So you are basically saying that I have done all I can do, so now everything is up to her?

Basically, yes.  You put the ball in her court.  You can still be loyal to YOUR feelings while respecting what she has clearly said, as well.  BE HER FRIEND.  The best romances spring from solid friendships, but not all are meant to go to the next level.  You've made your position clear, so any more pressure could drive her away.  Just be a friend.


Teen Dating Issues

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Suzi Zimmerman


I am a teacher and I write books on teen dating, self-esteem, and values. I can answer questions on making healthy choices, self-improvement, liking yourself, relationships and friendships, goal-setting, values, and how to handle making difficult choices.


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