Teen Dating Issues/I need advice
QUESTION: Hello ,
My name is Kevin. This is going to be a long story so I hope you can find the time to help me. I'm 18 years old and I'm from Belgium. So, 2 years ago I started a relationship with a girl , before that I already was really close with her for about half a year. It turned out it didn't work for her, we were fighting all the time and after 7 months , we broke up . Only 2 weeks later she had someone else. I was so very much in love with her , and it broke my heart to let her go . I got alot of support from my friends and parents , but I never really got over it . I even got close with another girl but it didn't work out because it was not the same. After a few months we started talking again , about me and her , how it used to be . That we could talk and share things with eachother , that we trusted eachother. This made me happy at the time but because she was still in love with that other guy , it was not enough for me. After a few of these moments with breaks of a few weeks when she didn't want to talk because her boyfriend didn't allow it , we were like best friends again , even though her bf didn't like it. Then suddenly we had a fight and she told me I had to leave her alone because her bf was more important . I told her that friendship is always more important but she didn't listen. A week ago , her bf broke up with her , I got the courage to ask her why and she told me everything . I was finally happy again , I was able to talk to her without her bf standing in between us , and after a few days she told me that if she ever got back together with the guy she would tell him that now I was also a part of her life , as her friend. And today she went to talk with the guy and they are getting back together. Easy at first she told me. Now my problem is that this guy is no good for her , he doesn't understand what love is and doesn't care about her like she does about him , he just does not deserve her. I just hate myself for having screwed it up with her 2 years ago , back then I was just the same as her bf . I like to believe that I have grown up now and that I understand the concept of love. And actually caring about someone no matter what. I was there for her whenever she needed me for 2 years. For 2 years I only cared for her , and I to this day I still hate myself for letting this happen. She told me that she is still serious about staying close friends with me because she needs me to talk , because I am the only person that truely understands her. How come this guy means so much more to her? I know she also cares about me because she brought up the fact that if me and her had been together a bit later that we might have been together still. She noticed something is wrong with me right now but I haven't told her. Should I speak the truth , and tell her how much I care about her still, even after 2 years? Or should I wait and just be friends with her while her bf keeps hurting her? Thats what I had to share , and sorry for my bad spelling but here in belgium we don't really speak english :/ thanks in advance , I hope you respond soon!
ANSWER: Hi Kevin! Thanks a lot for your message, and your spelling was fine don't worry!
Well it seems like you've been through a lot with this girl, you obviously care a lot to still be there for her while watching her with other guys, it must have been hard
About screwing things up with her and regretting it now really isn't going to help, because I'm sure that what happened did happen for best, because if you stayed together, yes you would have been close, but maybe not as close as you have become now? Because you've been through experiences together, such as you being there for her in those hard times.. and if you were together, you wouldn't have gone through them, so really don't hate yourself because it happened and nothing can really change that, and thinking over that really isn't worth all the hurt and pain it brings..
So what we can focus on is what's happening now, so first option is tell her how you really feel, this would mean she knows everything, the truth about your feelings, which personally I feel is the better option, because say if you don't tell her, you could regret that forever, and you've already experienced that horrible regretful feeling! Because if you tell her there could be a chance for you and her again, but the thing is you don't know that, because you haven't told her how you actually feel, I've learnt that if you don't seize the moment, you do regret it for a long time, because right now your in control of what you do, and what you do could change a lot of things for you, as people we tend to wait for things to happen instead of making them happen, which sometimes letting things happen is the right thing, but we end up waiting for the 'right moment' what we need to do is take the moment and make it right,
and if things go badly, then at least your feelings are out in the open, you won't have that doubt in your mind thinking that maybe if I told her things would have been different, because you would have told her, and if things didn't change, at least you know that. At least you have that knowledge that maybe your just better off as friends..but just being open and honest is sometimes the best and easiest thing in the end
I really hoped this helped, if you need anything I said clarifying or need any more advice or want any sort of questions answering then your absolutely more then welcome to hit me up with a follow up :)
Good luck with everything!
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: First of all I would like to say thank you for the reply , it helped me alot and I think I'm understanding things a bit better right now . I'm going on a trip tomorrow and I will be gone for more than a week , and I think youre right. I should tell her how I feel , so she at least knows it , I will also tell her I want to be friends if she does not feel the same way. I guess I'm just scared of losing her if I say it the wrong way , because I'm finishing up high school in a few months and when I go to college I might not see her again ever. But still , I think it's worth the shot , I just have to know . And youre also right about needing control in life , I don't want to regret and doubt forever , and maybe if she doesn't really feel the same way , who knows what will happen later on , right? She obviously isn't going to stick to this guy forever , so I think she should know that when this guy was hurting her feelings , I was the one who did care about her and was there for her . Thank you so much for your advice , let me know if you think I should do this
You're very welcome!
And the best thing to do is just say it naturally and in the moment, because if you plan it it could come out a bit wrong, but do whatever works and feels comfortable for you, and anyway don't worry about how you say it I'm sure she wouldn't look into that too much,
If you might not see her again when you finish high school then that's all the more reason to tell her, this could be your only chance so the best thing to do is take that chance and tell her how you feel, and yeah your absolutely right you never know what could happen later on,
But about telling her about what you think about the guy could be a bit risky and could just make things a bit too complicated, there's also a chance it will end in an argument, even if you do think this guy is hurting her, it could come off as you trying to put her off him, and even though you're probably right about him it's probably best if she made the decision on what to do or think about the other guy herself, and it's enough telling her you feel without telling her about what you think about this guy too, which could end in big arguments, and seeing as your leaving for college soon you don't want to end on bad terms right? So with that one you should be quite careful and it is best not to get involved in that stuff even though you are only looking out and caring for this girl,
Again your very welcome, I'm happy to help :)
Remember if you need any more advice then just ask again :)