Teen Dating Issues/SOOO CONFUZZLED!
Ok hi Suzi i am Wendy and i have tried other peoples' advice, but not such a good outcome :(. So now im trying you from a recommendation from a friend. So long story short, i like Bob (not his real name, just for safety i am substituting) and he likes me. Im not just saying that because he told me, he asked me out, and he currently just said that (were texting). So i screamed when he asked me out but we are not dating because he last dated my bffl but it turned out she was ok with it. So he asked me again now that we fixed that problem but (i feel like such a pain!) i said no because i am scared. We have been great and i dont wanna risk our friendship. Also i have had a bad experience with boys, they say they will never hurt me and will regret it if they do, but turns out, no matter how bice they are, they turn on you and knock you down. I dont want either of us to get hurt because he is amazing and loving and hilarious! (Not to mention CUTE!!! Not that it matters). Anyway i really like him but i dont want us to get hurt, should i make a move? Or keep quiet?
Wendy, it seems like I've answered this question before, but it showed back up in my question pool, so I'll give it another go.
How do you feel about this boy? Does he share your values? Would you be proud to hang out with him with your family? Could you see hanging out with your BFF and Bob at the same time? These are all important questions, because family and friends are there forever, and values are the basis of ALL happiness issues. Yet, in your question, you don't mention much specifically about him other than he's loving and hilarious - oh, and cute.
The "bad experience with boys" you mention should NOT be baggage you carry with you. Determine what made the experience bad, and avoid it. It's probably some value, like trust, and the boy broke it. So, dump the baggage, and put whatever value (or lacking value) that created the ill feelings at the TOP of your list of traits when you consider dating again. For example, if a boy cheated on you in the past, you can sum that up as "loyalty, trust, honesty." In future boys, ANY sign at all of these three values being compromised should be a red flag. AND, on that note, it's not just about how he treats you. I once had a young couple who were sneaking their relationship behind the girl's parents backs. Then the boy cheated on her - AND she was shocked. She said, "I thought he was SO honest and loyal." My reply was that he had shown her repeatedly that he was neither. He allowed HER to be dishonest and disloyal to her parents, and he was party to the "sneaking." That was proof positive that he was a liar, a cheat, and a sneak, and so was she. He was just living the values (or lack thereof) that the two of them had already established as the foundation of their relationship. My point is that what a person does in one part of their lives reflects their values for their entire existence. The boy or boys that hurt you may have been sending up red flags, but you ignored them because you saw your romantic relationship as separate from other things. It's not. And baggage is the result. Focus on values and who boys are at their core. How do they live their lives, and would your parents like them? Would your BFF like them? Would you want them raising your kids? Would you want them caring for your elderly parents one day? The guy who gets thumbs up in all those important fields probably has excellent values. And he shouldn't be subject to scrutiny because some boy hurt you ages ago.
Hope this LONG advice helps. I really believe it, and I hope you will, too.