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Teen Dating Issues/i need help figuring out girls.

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So, i had thought this girl liked me but i asked her for her number and she said " i don't think my boyfriend would like that." and i did a deep breath and said "okay" and walked away. This has been happening for most of my life as a 16 year old in high school and being in 11th grade, it counts to a lot of depression. I've been though cutting myself and deep depression dealing with rejection like this in this school year. i already went to a behavioral clinic and a psychiatrist for hurting myself. All i want is a cute, pretty girl hat would be like a friend to me and for some reason, i want a girlfriend so bad and quick so i won't have to get hurt anymore. i,m wondering if i can ever get a girlfriend for the first time and when it will come. Please help!!! I really don't want hurt myself anymore!

Answer
Hi, Dakota.  I'd recommend going back to a therapist, because you've grown and matured, and your needs today are different than they might have been even a few months ago.  The fact that you pressure yourself to rush into a relationship even though you know friendship should be the first step is an issue a therapist can help you resolve.  And the fact that you are aware that this is causing you depression and might lead to you harming yourself shows a great deal of maturity.

Here are a few thoughts that may help you.

First, there IS someone for everyone.  Take your eyes OFF of the outer core.  You say "cute and pretty" are attributes you would like, but what about the more important attributes of kind, compassionate, understanding, truthful, intelligent, and so on?  If you are having difficulty, it may be because you place too much value on characteristics that are shallow - skin deep - when you should be placing emphasis on more heart-felt things.  Maybe that girl won't be a typical beauty, but she'll be beautiful in ways that won't change - not even with age.

Ask for help.  Tell a trusted friend how you feel, and ask that friend to evaluate you.  What do your clothes say about you?  Yes, I realize that's not EVEN skin deep, but it's all about first impression, and if your clothes say, "I don't care," that may be all a girl will ever see.  Same thing goes with hair, skin, nails, teeth, schoolwork, your locker, etc.  These are all things that might be sending a message that hurts you in the eyes of others.  Have this friend evaluate your conversation skills.  Are you a good listener or not?  Are you interesting?  Are there any little quirks you may not be aware of that, if you knew of them, you could easily fix them?  With my own son, it was his glasses.  He was always pushing them up, and girls found that annoying.  I took him to the eyeglass shop, and they made an adjustment.  For a while, it was hard to break the habit; he'd "fix" his glasses even when they weren't slipping, but then he finally stopped.  At that point, he could really focus on conversing, not the glasses. And ask your friend if there are any other things within your control that you might work on to improve your chances.  

Let me get something straight.  I'm not telling you to change.  I'm saying that we are ALL a work in progress, and we are all changing all the time.  Knowing that, if there was something you could change to make you a happier person, would you do it?  Yes.  We all would.  If you owned a business, you would constantly be making improvements.  You are simply working on self-improvements so that you are more socially marketable.  Sometimes that means focusing on  physical appearances, but ONLY because we recognize that people make 90% of their overall assessment of other people based on what they see in the split second it takes to make a first impression.  Imagine that.  You may know someone 20 years, but 90% of what they think about you comes and goes in a flash, and you never get to make that up again.

And, you are 16.  I know many, many men who had their first girlfriends much later than that.  So don't rush.  Work on making a good first impression, focus on being a girl's friend, and take your time.

Best to you!!

Suzi

Teen Dating Issues

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Suzi Zimmerman

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I am a teacher and I write books on teen dating, self-esteem, and values. I can answer questions on making healthy choices, self-improvement, liking yourself, relationships and friendships, goal-setting, values, and how to handle making difficult choices.

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Today 1 in 5 sexually active people has HPV (linked to cancer and genital warts) and 1 in 4 has Herpes. 90% of girls who do NOT use condoms become pregnant each year, and AIDS cases are on the rise. Those who do not have sex will not have to deal with these issues, nor will 99% of those who use condoms correctly and consistently. In short, abstain from sex or use condoms - and use them correctly. Parents of adolescent and teen girls should research Gardasil, a vaccine against many forms of HPV. You may not think your daughter will be sexually active, but this will also offer her certain health protection in the event of rape - or should she become sexually active.

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