Teen Dating Issues/Did I really have friends?
Recently, I've been having problems with my friends at school. Everything started to go wrong aft the beginning of this year, which is my senior year of high school.
As backstory, I've known my small group of friends for about 4 years. My best friend, on the other hand, I have known for around 6. Over the past few years, school has been really challenging, and neither of us ever really had time to hang out. We would go to school together in the morning, I would drive her home, and then we would do homework until around 1 am every night. Occasionally, we went to lunch, the movies, or club socials. However, the majority of our time together was spent bitching about the school, our classes, and all of our problems.
As for my other friends, I'll give them names. Mia is insanely wealthy, get mom did her homework for her, among she's extremely passive. She agrees with everyone, is never upset, and doesn't have a care in the world. Faye is.... someone I've kept as a "friend" only because she's in my "group". She's extremely sassy, snarky, and when she says something rude, she means it. And it happens often. I don't agree or like how she treats people at all, but I'm not one to like starting drama.
About a year ago, I met my current girlfrien in an AP physics class. And in April, she officially became my girlfriend and we started to hang out often, especially after exams ended and the school year came to a close. Now, I'm so close to her that we sleep together over Skype and go out with her several times a week.My friends have always been okay with my sexuality, as I've had a girlfriend before this one. However, that girlfriend went to a different school, and therefore they didn't see us hang out all the time and such. I kept the relationship very much to myself.
The problem is that first, my girlfriend tried to bond with my best friend by driving her to school in the morning, as I now drive my sister. She drove her for three weeks, and then suddenly, my best friend told her that she'd be driving with Faye for the rest of the school year. This really hurt my girlfriend's feelings.Then i noticed other changes... at lunch, if i said something, i would be acknowledged with only a short phase or answer. I stopped taking altogether, then, because i felt unwanted. No one even cared. They just went on without me. They got their nails done together last week, and they openly both planned it and showed off their nails in front of me the day after.i was never invited...
And then, as we have been planning on going together for homecoming for months, i went with their group. But everyone ignored me. They spoke to my girlfriend, just not me.i still sit with them at lunch. Yesterday, my dog does. I came to lunch with puffy, red eyes and had a few tears leak at the table. No one asked me what was wrong, they just went on laughing and talking together. No one has asked me why I haven't spoken at the table in weeks....
I've known these girls for years. I put in a lot of effort for them, from planning a surprise party for Faye to staying up all night to help Mia with a French oral report.
Did I ever matter to them? They just the me away, it seems... I thought we were friends.
My girlfriend is very supportive of me:), she's always there when i need her and helps me through all of this. In a lot of ways, i don't need friends anymore because i have her. Yet, i still want friends. I thought i had friends, even. How can my friendships of a few years just fade, and the people i used to consider my group just ignore me like i don't exist?
I've tried taking to my best friend on the car. She just said i was imagining it. Then, she was quiet for the rest of the way home.sometimes, she just puts in her headphones and doesn't even say goodbye when she gets out.
I'm in desperate need of advice.
What should I be doing?
Your friends are being very childish. Still, you can't let that become part of the conversation. Yet again, it always helps to hear that YOU, my dear, are NOT the problem. Your friends are just uptight about something.
I completely relate to what you are going through. While I'm 100% straight, I'm the gayest straight person you will ever meet. I mean that somewhat humorously. My husband says I'm "one of the guys." I don't get along well with women. Most of my best friends are men. Honestly, for all the reasons you just mentioned, I can't really stand being in women's company very long.
I'm a teacher, and a few years ago, a teacher whose room was 2 doors down from me stopped me in the hall and changed how I think about conflict resolution. She said, "Suzi, I'm not sure what I may have done to offend you, but clearly I have done something. I would love it if you would tell me what it is so that I may apologize. But if you aren't ready to talk, just know that I really care about you and never would have intentionally said something to hurt you."
Honestly, it blew me away. I was busy directing a play and had been in my own little world for weeks. I guess I was too busy to notice that I was ignoring my friends - or worst - that I was acting pissed at them. I was actually in a GREAT mood, but I was intense. She took it the wrong way, but it was how she handled it that was brilliant. She gave the most genuine blanket apology imaginable. She laid it out. She was sorry for whatever she had done and had not INTENDED to do anything. Talk or stay quiet, Suzi, but now the ball is in your court, and if you choose to be a bitch, then that's your problem.
I immediately apologized for having shut her out. And then I changed. I stopped letting my show take over my personality and went back to being me.
I'm not saying you have changed, but you probably have. Being in a relationship does change people. Your friends are probably jealous. They don't see Wonder Woman as a romantic interest. They see her as one of them: a friend...competition. Only, they can't relate to her, because she's sleeping with you in a way they don't get.
It sounds a bit like a step parent relationship with the kids. They want to get along. They want YOU to be happy. It's just not likely to happen naturally, because it's not THEIR normal. It's YOUR normal, but they didn't sign up for it.
I would say something the next time you are all together, maybe just before you are about to leave. I would say, "Look, guys. I know things have changed. I can tell you all are not happy with me. I'm not really sure what I've done to upset you, but it's clear you are upset. So, whatever I might have done, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt any of you. But I want you to know that I'm hurting inside. You guys are supposed to be my sisters, my family, but you are shutting me out. I'm not mad, but I am hurting. So it's time for you to either tell me what's up or walk away. But please, if you ever cared about me, don't continue to torture me. There. The ball's in your court. Let me know if you want to get past whatever is bugging you and get back to normal again. I miss you." And then walk away. It's important to not act mad. But it's also important to not let THEIR crappy, childish behavior influence your relationship with your girlfriend.
AND it's important that your GF understands your need for non-romantic female friends. The only part of your letter that alarmed me was her saying you don't need friends because you have her. Everyone needs friends....and if THOSE friends can't mature, you will probably want to find new friends. No one can survive on romance alone.
I hope my advice helps!! I wish you the VERY best!!