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Teen Dating Issues/Why did she say this?


QUESTION: Hi, so im very much in doubt, of why this girl told me, that she cannot be friends with me and focus on her boyfriend. basically she and i have been together, (not in a relationship, but kissing, cuddling, bf/gf stuff) and right now she has a boyfriend, and i got my girlfriend. we had a long talk, and she has some friends, and i asked her why can you be friends with them and not with me? she said to me that our friendship probably was a "little diffrent" than her friendship with them. and she said to me she couldnt be friends with me and focus on her boyfriend. and she told me to focus on my girlfriend, even though i said i easily can have my girlfriend and be friends with her.

Earlier we had a talk about that weīd be together if we both were single, but that we could be friends. she also said she got hurt alot but didnt have feelings for me anymore. i asked her how i hurt her, she said i never said anything to hurt her, or did anything, but she still got hurt. which frustrated me alot knowing i didnt do anything, but she still got hurt by drama etc.  

she had never been treated like i treated her when we were together (on a weekend), i treated her like a princess, and she always seemed in shock over it. and i know she is used to being hit and being yelled at, and has been doing selfharm. so i really just dont understand why she said she cannot be friends with me and focus on her boyfriend when she said she doesnt have feelings for me? i keep looking for answers but i dont see why not, do you have any idea why this is?

I also thought of sending her a letter to her, since i know that means alot to her, and she once send me a whole book with pictures and a letter about us.

She is only 15. And iīm 19. So i think she might be confused too, but i really dont understand why she said that, i really hope you can help me find answers to that.

And would it be a good idea to send the letter to her? And if i should send her a letter, would it be best to leave our past together out and just focus on her, and give her a speech about how wonderful she is, and i wish the best for her to like "end it" in a good way?

We havenīt had contact for 2 months since she cut me off and said she couldnīt do this being friends with me.

Kindly regards
The confused

ANSWER: Robi, I realize you are in Denmark and I am in the States, but here there are laws, STRICT laws, about men your age dating girls her age.  Aren't there laws in Denmark that prevent grown men from dating little girls?  15 is still little.  At that age, many girls have barely entered into puberty.  They are still very fresh to dating, very confused, and very innocent.  Honestly, whether there are laws or not, you have no reason to be dating a girl that much younger than yourself. The questions isn't why can't she date you; it is WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU FIND DATING HER APPROPRIATE?

Besides that, I am very confused as to why you cannot see that she doesn't want to date you because she is with someone else.  You admit to me that your friendship is physical AND that she has a boyfriend.  And YOU have a girlfriend.  When you call someone "boyfriend" or "girlfriend," that is like being in a phone booth.  There is only room for you and ONE other. Period.  It would be different if you were only casually dating these people, but the way you describe it, both of you are serious enough about the other person to identify them as bf and gf.  That is a monogamous title unless you are swingers, and I doubt you are at 15 and 19.

Plainly and simply, she doesn't want to date you because she wants to be loyal to her boyfriend and she doesn't respect you as a boyfriend because you are already cheating on your girlfriend.  She doesn't want to BE your girlfriend and have you cheat on her like you are doing the current, trusting girl you flippantly call girlfriend.

You need to get your priorities straight.  The girl you call girlfriend needs to be the ONLY girl you date.  She deserves to be treated like a princess, and that means giving her, not the 15 year old child, your special treatment.

Do not contact her. Let her be a child and you date someone closer to your own age.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello Suzi, I think you might have misunderstood me.

What I meant was, that she had contacted me and sheh ad a mental depression and had to go to the hospital. She even showed up on my doorstep. I had actually cut the contact with her. But she showed up right on my doorstep with her suitcase, and had travelled serveral hundred miles to see me. And i was only thinking of my girlfreind and it was very weird. She just needed to see me back then.

She is currently 15, and has a boyfriend from another country thats 22. And has forced her to illegal things like sex.

I do not want to be with her - when she and me was together, that was BEFORE i met my girlfriend. Ever since then i never wanted to date her. Even when she asked if i would.

What i just donīt want to happen, is her showing up on my doorstep again. And thats why, i was thinking of sending her a letter explaining her not to, and wishing her the best. NOT that i want to date her.

Since my girlfriend hates this girl, - when she showed up on my doorstep, she hugged me forever, and tried cuddling a bit, (maybe unintentionally) she said to me later on, the only reason she started wrapping her legs around me, was because she had been cutting herself and wanted to lay comfortably.  I am 100% honest to my girlfriend, so i right away told her this, and she was furious on the girl. She later on apologied to my girlfriend, saying she didnt know why she had been angry on my girlfreind and wanting me to breakup with her, and made the excuse that she only put her legs around me because of these wounds.

Thats why im confused, it seems like sheīs still in doubt. Personally i have moved on. But i thought it could be a good way of ending it by sending her a letter. I do know shes in an abusive relationship now with a grown 22 year old man now.

But contacting her and wishing her the best, being a friend would be wrong?
And i just do not get - when i cut the contact off with her - why she would have to go to the hospital, and then why she put her legs on me. That excuse, just didnīt seem right. I would never do it unless its my girlfriend, so im not sure why she did. Which is why i didnt want to see her in person, as i dont think it would be comfortable for none of us -- yet she did back then.

Kindly regards

Robi, that makes more sense. I apologize for being so blunt before.  

I would NOT write her a letter because I still do not know the laws there, and letters are evidence in legal cases.  Phone calls are, as well, but unless she records yours, it is the safest way to end the surprise visits.  Call her and tell her it is over between the two of you and that she needs to respect your decision and stay away. Period. Do not let the phone call go past that basic message.  If you do, you are engaging her, giving her hope, and possibly providing more evidence.

If she shows back up to your doorstep, simply do not answer the door.

If you are worried about her well-being, call the authorities. At her age, girls are better at manipulating than they are at making mature, responsible decisions.  I don't mean that callously, but as a girl myself, there is more instant gratification in getting what one wants by demanding it or twisting circumstances in one's favor than in possibly not getting it at all (obviously, but most adults have learned to forego certain things for the "greater good.").

I wish you the best.


Teen Dating Issues

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Suzi Zimmerman


I am a teacher and I write books on teen dating, self-esteem, and values. I can answer questions on making healthy choices, self-improvement, liking yourself, relationships and friendships, goal-setting, values, and how to handle making difficult choices.


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